FunnyIndian.com: Indian Comedian / Desi Comedian Rajiv Satyal

Tax Rant

April 14th, 2009

Alright, y’all, so I’m creating content for this new site called The Gloomers. Here’s the text of my tax rant. Enjoy!

So, I’m wrapping up my taxes w/ my accountant. I have an accountant just so I can tell people I have one. It’s a great term to drop into a sentence. “No need to worry - my accountant handles that.” I think that was Biggie Smalls. I’m not sure how Obama being President affects us - I know he talked about giving us a tax break… boy’s gonna make it rain. We voted for change and we’re supposed to get bills.

He, like all politicians, loves talking about what’s fair to the American taxpayer. Specifically Republicans like to say: These bailouts are being financed by the American taxpayer. We can’t tax the hell out of Americans. They need to keep more of their money so they can invest in ideas, start new enterprises, and save some more. Don’t give it to the government - it’ll just be wasted. For this economy to recover, the American taxpayer needs to keep more of his money.

Politicians also love to talk about the American worker. He is working harder than ever. He is putting in more hours AND being more productive. However, rising costs, including those of health care, prevent the American worker from raising his standard of living. For this economy to recover, the American worker needs to keep more of his money.

Finally, politicians love to talk about the American consumer. 2/3 of the US economy is consumer spending. Consumer confidence needs to return. For this economy to recover, the American consumer needs to spend more of his money.

But wait a minute - aren’t the American taxpayer, worker, and consumer all the same person? So what do we do? We can’t help ‘em and screw ‘em at the same time.

We can tax more of their income but what’ll be the outcome?

And where’s OUR bailout? A lot of banks collapsed last year and the only one they really let go down in flames was Lehman Brothers. The reason is that the government thought its name was Layman, as in layman’s terms. It was too close to the common man so they figured, “The hell w/ it.” I only recently understood that term - layman’s terms. It’s a lay man - someone who doesn’t know much and I guess lays around the house. The only thing w/ that is the right term for lounging around your pad would be lying. You lie around your house. Or… the government lies to us. You can’t lay around the house unless you’ve having sex. But taxpayers aren’t getting laid - they’re getting screwed.

Well, the Beatles sang in Taxman, “If you drive a car, I’ll tax the street. If you try to sit, I’ll tax your seat. If you get too cold, I’ll tax the heat. If you take a walk, I’ll tax your feet.” It’s not quite that bad but darned near.

I hate all these taxes on our phone bills - excise tax, recovery fee… just once, I’d love for the companies to just state ‘em as a Screw You fee, a We Do This Because We Can fee, and a You Say You’re Going to Leave But We Both Know You Never Will fee.

The only kind of tax you can really avoid is sales tax - and that, too, only if you get your fast food orders to go. My Dad would do that. We’d go thru KFC and eat in the parking lot - we’d save 37 cents and he’d call it a picnic.

He and I tried to save a lot of money on our taxes by claiming we’re Indian but we’re not the kind that is exempt from paying taxes. We just get to drive taxis. Boy, that was the worst pun of all time. I’m running out of jokes… OK, maybe a few more…

I’d like to save some more on my taxes. I wrote off a lot of people last year and am wondering where the tax form is for that.

The one aspect that might make this fun is this: You should be able to write off dates on your taxes each year. It should be based on… the base system. Get to 2nd base - that’s a break-even. But if it’s your 4th date and she doesn’t even make out w/ you, you totally get to expense dinner. So, this way, if you don’t get laid, at least you don’t get screwed.

Alright, y’all, I gotta bail. I’m out.

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