My friend Catherine sent me this article about people giving up their cell phones…
… ironically, from her iPhone.
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yeah, i applaud this. this stupid, effin’, asinine idea.
it’s awesome when you tell everyone you’re on a retreat. it’s dickhead if you’re moving in your day-to-day life.
it’s like how i respect people who can drink in moderation. you don’t have to be a douchebag and abstain from it (unless it’s your religious belief). just learn to have some effin’ self-control. it isn’t hard. i answer the phone all the time when i’m with people but i absolutely will not if we’re having a moment. people need to be able to make the call, no pun intended. if we’re dicking around and walking in a mall and just shooting the shiz, then i’m gonna pick up the phone. if you’re crying and telling me that you’re life is falling apart, then guess what. i won’t pick up the phone and i prolly also clandestinely turned it on silent when i felt the convo going in that direction.
people who don’t pick up the phone are RUDE. you are telling everyone that when THEY call is no good for YOU. what’s more selfish than that? yes, if you’re playing with your kid or talking to your Mom, totally cool – don’t answer. but if you’re like most of the rest of the world and what you’re doing at that moment isn’t of utmost important, then get to it.
look at the people in this article. they’re either billionaires who CAN tell the world to F off. or they’re pathetic little losers who’ll ask me to borrow my cell phone when THEY need it. that’s like moving next door to someone who has a pool and just asking him when you can come over and swim. no, you can’t. F off.
After a couple of years, my podcast is back. Actually, what happened is I got my own weekly 1-hr talk show in the New York metro area (read: New Jersey).
It’s called The Funny Indian Show, although I think I’m gonna change the name to The TanGent show. The format is not that of a potpourri. It’s just a conversation piece. I have a list of 22 questions that I ask my guests. Stuff that I want to know about the world. The point isn’t to rush thru all the questions but rather finds those topics about which we can just banter. It goes in different directions for each guest. Hence the name “TanGent.” And I’m a… tan gent. Get it? Wow. Genius.
So far, I’ve had three people on… Neelu Sodhi (1st guest), Melanie Kannokada, and MONROK. So, really, it’s just an excuse for me to talk to hot women.
I’ll be posting the podcasts soon so you don’t necessarily have to tune in live. For now, there are several ways you can catch us live… the show airs on Eastern Time Thursdays 5 – 6 pm and re-airs on Saturdays 1 – 2 pm.
1.) Tune in to 96.3 FM (SCA) in the New York metro area.
2.) Click the “Listen Live” button on RadioDil.com.
3.) Dial 408 418 5000 number from your regular phone. Obviously, that’ll use minutes but you get free weekends, right?
4.) Download the “Mainstream Radio” app on the iPhone (not available for other phones yet) and search for “Radio Dil.”
My friend just asked me if it bothers me when I hear of old girlfriends or crushes (a far greater # sadly) getting married. Like do I feel like the guys in the movies when they’re like, “I gotta stop her!”?
I told him, “Let’s put it this way: If my parents called and said they were moving boxes in the basement (which they’ve done about as often as I’ve dated someone) and said they accidentally broke Optimus Prime, I’d be far more devastated.”
I just showed my friend Brooke around New York City last week, as you prolly could see from our videos.
As I did with LA, I made a list of things to do if you’re in NY for the 1st time.
If you’re by yourself, I’d recommend just doing one of those city tours and getting it over with. “But that’s so touristy!” my friends whine. Right. And when you’re in a city for the 1st time, guess what. You’re a tourist. Suck it up.
But if you have me as a tour guide, this is likely what we’d do… and yes, this is Manhattan-heavy because that’s still “the City.” I’d explore the other 4 boroughs on subsequent trips. Well, you can skip Staten Island… not sure what’s there besides a garbage dump. (I did set foot on it for the 1st time on this visit as we took the Staten Island Ferry. That checks the box on the last area of town for me… after – no joke – something like 120 trips to the Big Apple.
I guess I could give you an order of how to hit these things but it would depend how many you did each day… hit me up if you want an itinerary.
Here’s the list…
- Staten Island Ferry – especially on a very nice day, it’s awesome… it’s free… you get a great view of the Statue of Liberty (which you can always take another tour to go see)
- Empire State Building – yes, it’s $35 to go to the 86th floor… don’t pay the extra $15 to go to the 102nd as it’s enclosed and you can’t even spit off of it… ha… don’t do that as you could really hurt somebody… anyway, the view is amazing… totally worth it… go visit Macy’s (world’s largest store) and Herald Square while you’re in the area.
- Central Park – from 59th to 110th Streets and 5th to 8th Avenues… you can get lost in here like Holden Caulfield did but no matter what it’s awesome… bring a frisbee if you can.
- Museums (the Met (Metropolitan Museum of Art), the MOMA (Museum of Modern Art), the Guggenheim… pick one and spend a couple of hours looking around.
- High Line Park – this just opened in June 2009 and is built on an old railroad line along the Hudson River (western side)… an elevated, long strip that’s nice to walk on.
- Broadway Show – of all things NY, this is prolly the quintessential thing to do… get tix at the ~half-price TKTS booth in Times Square.
- Times Square – an advertiser’s dream… so many lighted billboards it looks like day in the night… even tho it’s so played, I never feel like I’ve been to NYC without a trip here… you feel like you’re standing in the Capital of The World, which you are.
- Pizza – that isn’t a place, I realize… and I won’t get into which chain you should hit but I think the greatest thing about NY is the easy access to a slice of pizza… you just don’t get that anywhere else… in Entourage, they say it’s the water but that’s almost definitely not it… it’s the ovens… I don’t think they’re allowed to make/use them in California… besides, we have pretty darned good water in LA… stop into any of the joints like Ray’s Pizza or wherever and enjoy… you can also hit up any of the food carts on the side of the street for gyros, etc.
- Union Square – just a cool area near the lower west side… even tho it’s not called that… bars, restaurants… hit up a place called Coffee Shop for good, well, coffee and food and drinks.
- 5th Ave. – the stores from 34th to 59th street are worth poking your head into… one of the most expensive streets in the world depending upon the US Dollar… NY’s Rodeo Drive.
- West Village/SoHo/Lower East Side – yeah, these are all distinct areas but I’d ask someone which spots to hit… a good one in the West Village is Caffe Del Mare… just happened upon it and liked it… thing is if a place has been open in NYC for more than 5 years, it’s bound to be good… competition is so fierce it wouldn’t survive otherwise…
- Comedy Clubs – it’s really the best place in the world for standup (well, at least country – never been to London “but I kinda like the Beatles”)… more so than LA, despite my previous post to the contrary… you could try the Cellar, Gotham, Caroline’s on Broadway, or Comix.
- Clubs – they turn over a lot but if you like going clubbin’, you gotta hit the Meatpacking District.
So, I’ve been meaning to post this for a while but have been crazy busy with travel. Luckily, the friend who’s responsible for this whole thing happening already wrote a blog about it. Her name is Samia Khan and her blog is www.Khanversations.com, although I think she should create another one called Prose & Khans. So as to not reinvent the wheel, here’s her entry…
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A comic, a journalist, a professional basketball player, and a “Housewife” all walk into a comedy club….
The journalist says to the comic, “I love the Spurs! I have to talk to Tony.”
The comic says to the journalist, “OK, go take a picture.”
The housewife says to the comic taking a photo with the journalist’s iPhone, “iPhone’s suck! They have no flash!”
The journalist says to the housewife, “I used to stuff your press kits in 2004!”
The basketball player stays silent.
The housewife says to the comic, “You were SO funny! I want a picture with you!”
OK okay…as you can see, this “joke” format isn’t going anywhere (clearly, I’m not the comic.) However that aforementioned last line? Not a punchline. An actual FACT.
Let me spell out the players in this scene:
Housewife: Eva Longoria. Actress. ABC’s “Desperate Housewives.”
Basketball player: Tony Parker. San Antonio Spurs.
Comic: Rajiv Satyal. AKA. Funny Indian.
Journalist: Yours truly, Samia Khan.
Ok so maybe my attempt at a “joke” failed when describing this story, so I’ll just keep it real and spell it out.
I stopped by the Laugh Factory on Sunset recently to go say hi to my friend, FI (his name is actually Rajiv Satyal. But his website is http://www.funnyindian.com. I like to abbreviate. He is now ‘FI.’)
Lesson 1: being a good friend is a rewarding. What I mean, do you ask? Well…had I not stopped in to say hi, this interaction would have never happened, and thus, I would have nothing to blog about.
Anyway. Eva Longoria is just like…there. Hanging out. Just another Tuesday? Maybe. Or maybe she wanted to support her comedian friend Eric Rivera. (Whatever. I like to believe that me and Eva hang out at the same places. It’s why I frequented her restaurant Beso once.)
Next, she tells a group of friends, “I have to go get my husband” and she walks inside.
Wait, did she say husband?! OK for those of you lacking both pop culture or sports knowledge, Eva Longoria is married to NBA player Tony Parker. He plays for the Spurs.
Note: I love this game. As Kanye says, its “Amazing.” (Yes, I’m talking about basketball.) Anyway, I’m legitimately a Spurs fan (I’m sure some Laker fan is gonna tell me they’re boring and I need to find another team to support) and I wanted to tell Tony this. So, I do.
(Note: I’m a Spurs fan because Bruce Bowen played for that team, and he went to my high school, Edison High – Fresno, CA. My friend Mo also works for them in the video department.)
I tell Tony that I’m a fan and that I’d like a picture. He says thanks or something like that, and we pose for the iPhoto. Eva is watching, and tells me and FI that the iPhone sucks because it has no flash for photos (Blackberry users, please don’t start.) Not gonna lie, the photo turned out crappy. Luckily…I carry two digital cameras at all times (blame the blogger in me.)
Me and TP
After the photo, Eva turns to FI, who had just done a set. She tells him he’s SO funny, that she wants a picture together, and yes… they pose. Then….FI takes it further. He tells Eva that he’s always wanted to take a photo with a hot chick who’s trying to talk to him as he’s busy on the phone… Eva complies. (If only all his interactions with women were that easy.)
Funny Texan. Funny Indian.
"Can't you see I'm busy, Eva?"
Fun fact: I used to stuff Eva Longoria’s press kits in 2004 when I was intern for entertainment PR firm Warren Cowan and Associates, under publicist Liza Anderson. Obviously, I tell her this. She makes some jokes about how there must have been hardly any clippings etc (yes, she’s super personable. Super humble. Super fun. All the while, Tony is kinda laying low.)
Conclusion? Eva desperately likes to talk. Tony…probably does, but it’s more of a spur of the moment thing.
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The only thing I’d add is the background to the “Can’t You See I’m Busy, Eva?” picture:
Story: Four years ago, I was at a tennis tournament in LA with 4 girls who all went to the bathroom. They came out and asked me, ~”Did you see her?” “Who?” “Don’t tell me you missed Mandy Moore walking right by you just because you were on your cell phone. You miss everything because you’re on that thing.” “Yep.” So, someday I figured it’d be hilarious for me to snap a pic with a beautiful celebrity trying to get my attention as I’m on my phone. Cue to 2 weeks ago at the Laugh Factory. Eva Longoria came up to me and said, “You were so funny!” and then said to my friend, Samia, who had just gotten a picture with her husband Tony Parker, “Take a picture of us!” I then pitched her my idea. She laughed and posed. She’s awesome. = ) So, here’s the prototype for a future album cover:
My friend Brooke Lenzi and I are in the midst of a trip to NY. We just started making these little videos (average of 30 sec each) over the course of the last couple of days. Enjoy.
I’m sitting at JFK and thought I’d capture my 1st thoughts on the sad news that the Jesus statue near Cincinnati, Ohio, was struck by lightning and burnt. I’m typing on an iPhone so let’s see what I get off before I board for Minneapolis. (I’m with former Cincy comic Greg Warren at ACME tonite and with Russell Peters at the Pantages tomorrow and Thu.) I wanted to write my reaction before reading any articles besides the quick one I read this am. (It had no jokes.:) That’s appropriate, I guess – I’m actually kind of sad!
Some lessons to learn:
- Build your vice shops close to a religious symbol and hide under it for protection. The Hustler store and strip club are unscathed.
- I think maybe Jesus’ Dad was frustrated with His lack of work ethic. He was there for years and years with all that water around Him and it still wasn’t wine.
- We can’t predict anything. I worried for years that Jesus would drown in the Water of that lake in front of Him. But He caught Fire during a Wind storm and burned to the Earth. Maybe they should resurrect Him near Elements Center.
- Perhaps we should stop calling natural disasters “Acts of God.” Maybe He’s mad about that. I would be if I were He. Anytime anything is created, man gets the credit. Whenever anything is destroyed (lightning, earthquake, hurricane, etc.), that’s God’s fault. Not cool.
- Don’t build a Jesus statue on I-75. That freeway sucks. And now it’s really the Highway to Hell.
- We didn’t need a Touchdown Jesus now that the Bengals made the playoffs.
- We cannot determine the time and place of the Second Coming. One thing I could’ve told you is He was going to do anything to get out of Monroe.
And now I gotta go. Hope my flight is OK. Guess I’ll find out if I blasphemed. All in good fun.
Goodbye, Big Butter Jesus. Sad to see you get sautéed.
When I was at Case Western Reserve University, I knew a guy who kicked a hole in the wall on the floor of our dorm. When he was interviewed by the authorities, he had the audacity to blame it on the Insane Clown Posse, a horrendous hip-hop group that was on campus for a concert (and whose members had handed me a demo tape at 7 am that morning – yes, a tape… this was a while ago). They rolled out of their van full in their makeup – a terrifying scenario indeed.
The authorities bought the story, which was, well, INSANE. I don’t think as poorly as their “career” was going that they’d be inclined to pull up to the 3rd floor of a residence hall, kick one small hole in a wall, and drive away just to relieve their angst.
I cannot believe the band is still (again?) together. They put out this awful single last month that my friend Eric showed me at his party on Saturday.
The spoofs abound, the two best I’ve found being one from Saturday Night Live and one from Jim and Them.
In fairness, I’ll show you the original first…
[CONTAINS PROFANITY]
My favorite review had to be…
“Hearing this song makes you wish ICP would stick to serial killing.” – Adam Graham, The Detroit News
