http://www.ndtv.com/video/player/news/top-five-funny-things-about-india-by-i-make-chai-not-war-i/220441

http://www.ndtv.com/video/player/news/make-chai-not-war-stand-up-comics-challenge-political-correctness/220465

The first one is the State Department’s official take on our tour. The next couple are promotional videos the State Dept. had us record. The last one is an interview we did on a popular morning show with a lovely host.

MakeChaiNotWar.mov

“We are indeed sending an Indian-American comedy group. We are supporting a seven-city tour that they are making around India. They”re called Make Chai, Not War, and this is part of our regular global cultural exchange programme that we do around the world,” State Department spokesperson Victoria Nuland, told journalists at the U.S. State Department.

Make Chai Not War Promo

Rajiv Satyal, Azhar Usman and Hari Kondabolu bring Make Chai Not War, a stand-up comedy showcase, to India. They will be performing in Mumbai on January 18, 2012 at Y.B. Chavan Auditorium.

Make Chai Not War

Make Chai Not War comes to Kolkata

Video 1 – Making Chai Already

We made it to India! And on Day One, I found a Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf. Seriously, this is like coming across an In-N-Out Burger… Probably less likely here.

Video 2 – Indian Mario Kart

Somebody invent that.

Video 3 – Material

I can’t explain it.

Video 4 – 4 FAQs

Having just arrived in Chennai, the site of our first comedy show, I respond to four commonly asked questions, in this case by one of my all-time favorite news outlets. Sadly, an Indian clearly doesn’t know enough technology to shoot his hand in the frame so people will have to wait for me to display the actual hand map of India.

Video 5 – Gimme Shelter

We are so astounded to see our likenesses over a bus stop that we tape it – and ourselves. I crack yet another Indian pun.

Video 6 – Guns N’ Muslims

A Muslim. Guns. And not at all what you’d expect. I love Azhar Usman.

Video 7 – Does Patna Know the Pussycat Dolls?

We’re prepping for our show in Patna tomorrow night. We are way out in the sticks. And so we’re doing some pop culture research beforehand.

Video 8 – White Girl Speaking Hindi

Our State Dept. liaison, a white girl from Texas, speaks far better Hindi than Hari Kondabolu and me. Pwned.

Video 9 – Ganges

I finally have a quiet moment alone about 100 yards from the Ganges… as the crow flies.

Video 10 – White Girl Speaking Hindi Part II

Our State Dept. liaison, a white girl from Texas, speaks far better Hindi than Hari Kondabolu and I. Pwned.

Video 11 – A Series of Terrible Puns at the Airport

The three of us happen upon a cat and her kittens randomly posted up at the airport. Puns and jabs at an innocent kid ensue. Before you leave any negative comments, remember… “it was a video about kittens.”

Video 12 – Durgapur God Mic

Azhar Usman cracks up as he introduces me before the Durgapur show, with Hari Kondabolu egging him on.

Video 13 – Karachi Se Loag

Azhar grabs the mic at the end of our Durgapur show and goes to town.

Video 14 – Why the British Conquered the Planet

We exploit the British to ensure the sun doesn’t set – or rise – on us.

Video 15 – Ball So Hard

Rooftop of our Bombay hotel. Yeah, we deserve this. Heh.

Video 16 – Backstage @ Last Show

Dicking around before our Delhi show.

Video 17 – Last Day

I capture my immediate thoughts on the India trip right before catching my flight out of Bombay back to the States.

‘Make Chai Not War’ in TIMES NOW

Two popular Indian American stand-up comedians Rajiv Satyal and Hari Kondabolu is in India to promote their show “Make Chai Not War”. Both are in TIMES NOW’s ‘Morning Show’ as they tour India for better relations.

I’m gonna try eventually to make an online scrapbook or at least pull all the videos and photos into one place but, as I was good about releasing content as I made it, I’m at least gonna drop this post now so as not to lose any of the feelings associated with the expedition.

I’m structuring this as:

• 11 Observations about Ourselves as Comedians and People
• 11 Observations about India
• 4 Observations about the USA
• 5 Observations about Our Tour

11 Observations about Ourselves as Comedians and People

1. The most important thing that came out of the tour for me was the deep bond I forged with my fellow comics.  My former roommate, fellow comic, and good friend, Hasan Minhaj, made a compelling point when he said to me, ~“The TV credits and shows come and go.  What we really have is the relationships we build with each other in this game.”  Hari Kondabolu and I went from colleagues to great friends.  I don’t know what could be more important than making a friend.  The last night, in New Delhi, all three of us crashed in the same hotel room.  I had to bounce early and I don’t think I’ll forget the bear hug we gave each other as I left for the airport.  Azhar Usman and I were already great friends (clearly, as he didn’t even bother getting out of bed to say anything) but we became even closer.  We truly embody what Make Chai Not War is all about.  The message is for Hindus and Muslims (and everyone else) to coexist.  And we do.  We are remarkably similar.  We seem to agree on everything – except the final destination of our souls.  It reminds me of my friendship with Jon Langdon, a guy I’ve known since 5th grade.  He thinks I’m going to Hell.  Ha.  Well, he kinda does, since technically, I don’t accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior.  The point of this is that that should be the kind of thing that would tear any relationship apart.  But an issue, no matter how big it is, can only consume you if you choose to give it power.  Otherwise, live and let live.  We agree on movies and music and, above all else, we laugh at the same things.  And isn’t that what you have in common with all your friends?  You laugh at the same things.  That’s the power of laughter – it’s far more relevant than a lot of supposedly larger issues.
2. Many people asked us as comedians if we wanted to be taken seriously.  To me, that’s the kiss of death for a comedian.  Of course, we want people to listen – and we have a lot to say.  But it’s also audacious to simultaneously want the world to think we’re funny and then to turn around and ask everyone to take us seriously.  Gee whiz.  The first one is hard enough.  Let’s focus on that.
3. Our YouTube views are grossly inflated.  When I got to India, it reminded me that, because of the sheer number of people, we have a built-in audience.  I think we have to divide our YouTube views by ten.  I had a number of people say to me, “I’ve seen your YouTubes.”  That’s what they call YouTube Videos.  YouTubes.  Sounds a bit personal.  Where did you see my tubes?  Besides, I don’t have any tubes.  I’m a man.
4. A Brand Manager at P&G, Andy Gibson, and I started a program called Funny ’Cause It’s True, in which we use standup comedians to help marketers generate insights for their brands.  We’ve run it several times, with my hosting each gig, and it’s our job to find what makes consumers and employees laugh.  (Interestingly, Azhar has served as our VP of Business Development.)  Now that I’ve performed all over the world and even conducted workshops in India to teach and learn about standup, I’d honestly have to believe I’m one of the foremost experts on the field of humor – far more than a mere humorist who writes and studies this.  As a standup, I actually have to DO it.  That’s kinda cool.
5. I gave part of this response to several reporters when they asked us what our parents think of what we’re doing for careers:  In the States – and maybe even in India – everyone is on a track.  It’s very important that you get into med school and to do that you must graduate with honors from college and to do that you must be like valedictorian in your high school and to do that… you must take care to color in between the lines at age 3 in preschool.  Our parents, in their early 20s, left behind everything they knew and ventured to the other side of the planet to build a better life.  And when it comes to their children, they are amongst the most risk-averse in the world – we all should go to sure-shot schools and become doctors and engineers.  Yet what could possibly be riskier than what they did?  (Having said that, my kids – should I ever have them – are becoming doctors and engineers.)  Many in my generation – the second generation of immigrants – are proud of the fact that they are doctors and engineers.  That’s fine – there’s nothing wrong with pride.  (Actually, there is, but that’s beyond the scope of this post.)  But realize what you consider to be your accomplishments are largely your parents’.  They bought houses in the best neighborhoods, sent us to the best schools, made us study and not work hourly jobs, bought us cars, and instilled in us an amazing work ethic and adherence to the highest morals.  Before I became a full-time comedian, I worked in Brand Management at P&G, owned a house and a car, and had no debt.  And guess what.  That’s no surprise.  Had I NOT accomplished these things, it would have been rather pathetic.  But this – my leaping off the track and establishing a career in entertainment – is my own accomplishment.  I’m both proud of it and humbled by it.  The former because I took the initiative to grab the proverbial bull by the horns.  And the latter due to the fact that I would not where I am if it weren’t for those very same attributes that are a part of me because my parents reared me the way they did.  So, it’s still their doing.  I’ve just shifted the fulcrum somewhat so I can claim partial credit.  = )
6. Similarly to the States, the smaller the town, the harder it is to kill.  My performance in Durgapur was much tougher than the one in Bombay.  The ease of the show is inversely proportional to the number of Zoom clicks on Google Maps.
7. My biggest challenge was slowing down enough so that people whose first language is not English could not only understand what I was saying but also enjoy it – just like in Alabama.  Obviously, there’s a difference between comprehension and appreciation.  Speaking the language is only a component of it.  I get 80% of what people are saying in Hindi – enough that if you try to talk about me behind my back, you won’t be able to.  Moreover, being conversant is different from being able to manipulate Hindi or Punjabi or English as a tool to evince you’re funny.  If it were as simple as being proficient in a dialect, then I could hand my act over to you and you could deliver it.  It’s not just the words – it’s the inflection, the timing, and all the other intangibles that make a person funny.  So, I pulled it off, but it was tough for two reasons – first, the general and second, the specific.  It’s just hard to slow down without sounding condescending.  Kinda like how, when I’d talk to my 98-year-old Grampa on the phone, I’d have to raise my voice without seeming like I’m yelling.  Also, it’s particularly difficult for me,  because I have a naturally fast rhythm.  My brain moves much faster than my body.  So, I’m good at anything that requires quickness – like pingpong.  I suck at anything that requires slowness – ironing, polishing, or handwriting.  Luckily, I spent 2011 doing two things – slowing down onstage and doing a set of material instead of just cutting up and being self-deprecating or talking to the crowd.  Nowhere was this more evident than during my weekend at Gotham Comedy Club in NYC.   I felt the audience could see the writing but could still appreciate the brilliance coming from the man delivering it.  Ha.
8. My Dad came with us, which was a lot of fun.  But it was also challenging because I think we’re all different with our Mom and/or Dad around.  Thomas Harris wrote a book in the 1970s called I’m OK/You’re OK.  He purported that each of us has an Adult, Parent, and a Child within us.  He tries to get you to think with the Adult, the rational part of your being.  The Parent is the voice in you that believes whatever your parents told you, even irrational things like the fact that you’ll catch pneumonia out in the rain.  The Child is the emotional part of you that cries and runs for shelter… “you wounded my Inner Child.”  Coming to think of it, I’m not sure how closely these are related to Self 1 and Self 2 from The Inner Game of Tennis but my guess is that Self 1 is the Parent that constantly berates Self 2, the Child.  And I’m not enough of a psychology maven to know the relation to the Id, Ego, and Superego.  But net/net, when I travel alone, I’m an Adult.  Having my Dad there turned me into a Child who whines and complains.  I have anger issues that would be scary if I were a normal-sized human being.  But because I’m fun-sized, I don’t really have a temper so much as I throw tantrums until I get my way.  Azhar and Hari did the best impression of me and I wish we’d taped it.  “No!  No!  I want to go first!”  Then one time when it didn’t go so well, “Hari, fix it!”  Hari killed.  “I wanna go on now!  Put me on!”  (I did much better.)  I’m a kid and I play the part immaculately well.  Or poorly, depending upon one’s perspective.  “No, Dad!  I don’t wanna go back to the hotel!  I wanna go out!”  That was an interesting balance – spending enough time with Pops but yet going out to hang with ladies after the show.  Azhar said, “Hey, he’ll understand.  If he didn’t do the same, you wouldn’t be here.”
9. Perhaps the best illustration of my character came at the airport.  We were rushing to catch a domestic flight and barely, barely made it.  Here’s my reaction to the gate agent:  “Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, I cannot believe we made it.  Thank you SO MUCH for allowing us to board this flight.  I thought we were toast.  We would’ve lost thousands of dollars.  I am so, so grateful to the heavens, to God, to this airport, and you for allowing us to even be here.  Seriously, I’d sit on the wing just to be able to get there.  What an amazing stoke of luck.  THANK YOU.  Wait.   What is this – 6E?  Is this a middle seat?  Are you effing kidding me with this?  F*cking piece of sh*t airline.”
10. Because we stayed at such nice places with tons of food, I put on some weight.  There’s something ironic about an American getting fat in India.
11. This could be because I have Americanized tastebuds, having grown up in Ohio, but the Indian food in India isn’t any better than what I can get in the States.   I know a place down on Pioneer Blvd. in Orange County where I’d put their masala dosa up against any I found in Tamil Nadu or Andra Pradesh.

11 Observations about India

1. India is shaped like a hand.  Stretch your left arm out in front of you and point your fingers down with your thumb to the right.  That’s India.  It works way better than the hand map of Michigan.  That doesn’t capture the Upper Peninsula.  I think I knew this tour was going to go well when, during our first show in Chennai, I asked if anyone was here from the States and a girl from Michigan was actually in the crowd.  That allowed me to set up this joke.  Amazing stroke of luck.
2. India is free in a way the States isn’t.  This occurred to me when I saw a truck flying down the highway, carrying huge bales of hay and about ten people sitting atop said pile of hay.  That truck would make it about 50 yards in the US before being pulled over and cited for about 50 health and safety violations.  True, people live within inches of death on a daily basis in India, but at least they’re free.  Americans are amazingly isolated.  In India, the slums at times use a mansion as their fourth wall.  In America, if you have money, you can avoid seeing poverty if you so choose.  In Cincinnati, you can live in affluent Indian Hill, drive your Benz down I-71, park in a garage, work at P&G, and turn around and come home without seeing the ghetto, which is blocks away (and where my house is).  And due to technology such as iPhones and iPods and iPads that allow us to connect to the people with whom we want to connect, I’d submit that we’re using technology to further isolate ourselves.  No wonder those all start with an “I.”
3. America is far less racist than most of the rest of the world.  (Maybe Canada is the exception – those folks are super-nice.)  Americans are very generous with our time, for example, in helping people who are new to this country with everything from directions to welcoming them into the fold.  We could never get away with some of the things that other countries pull.  In just about every single cab or auto-rickshaw, I was told a much higher price than the quote.  And it’s because I’m an American.  They try to take advantage of you in ways that folks in the States wouldn’t dream.  At the Taj Mahal, there are actually different prices for citizens and foreigners.  That’s nuts.  Granted, some of it harkens back to what I just mentioned above in #2 – that in the States, we have so many rules and regulations that it forces people to obey the law.  Sure, that’s the cynical point-of-view.  But realize that laws reflect the values of a society.  So, we can credit society or blame the lawyers.  And you know who the lawyers are.  The Jews.
4. Kingfisher is a brand of airline and beer.  Not very confidence-inspiring when you’re 30,000 feet in the air.
5. I understand, and even support, Occupy Wall Street.  But given the perspective of standing in India, you realize… the rest of the world is the 99%.
6. We pulled over on the side of the road on our way back from Durgapur to Kolkata to get chai.  Whilst there, we decided to use the bathroom.  The women’s washroom was indoors and the men’s outdoors.  I can’t believe they even refer to it as a washroom.  Basically, you stand on cinder blocks and pee into a hole.  The “stalls” are separated by concrete walls barely three feet tall.  The best part?  The sign that reads, “Gentlemen.”  Yeah, you know, when I’ve got my dick out, pissing into a hole on the side of the road where everyone can see me… that’s when I feel like a gentleman.  I don’t think that sign is appropriate unless we’re peeing into a top hat.  I remember going into a Chinese restaurant in New York.  The sign on the bathroom read, “Man.”  I was dying laughing at these poor folks’ English.  “Man” and not “Men.”  Then I went inside and it was for use by only one person at a time.  So, “Man” is actually far more appropriate.  Damn the Chinese – they’re always right!
7. India is alive in a way that the US isn’t.  Every city is just humming.  I can’t speak for the villages but there’s an energy that you can just feel.  That’s only true in very specific places in the States, like New York and parts of San Francisco, LA, Miami, Chicago, et al. – but only parts.
8. Indians are connected to each other in ways that Americans aren’t.  Everything in the States is more formal and systemized.  Need directions?  Punch it into Google Maps, or God forbid, unfold an actual map.  In India, people actually still talk to each other.  Need directions?  “Drive down the road and make a right and then ask somebody there.”  OK, we’re here.  “Alright, make a left and then ask somebody there.”  Cool.  “Nice, now go straight and drive about 3 kilometers and then ask somebody there.”  You feel like Tarzan swinging on vines through the jungle.
9. One night, we stayed in a hotel that was supposedly haunted.  (Indians are very superstitious.)  Before I went to bed, I prayed that I would be OK.  It was wild because God told me, “Don’t be ridiculous.  There’s no such thing as ghosts.”
10. At all of our five-star hotels, the staff would salute us.  I have no idea what the correct response is.  I usually just say, “as you were” or “at ease” as a joke when people do it in the States.  But in this case, it’s just weird.  Do I salute back?  I mean, comedians refer to non-comedians as “civilians.”  Do you salute civilians?  I don’t know.
11. Extending the military terminology, Indians love to post up.  (We use “post up” in the vernacular to describe just hanging out.)  You drive down the street and it’s just mad Desi peeps posted the hell up for hours on end.  What are they DOING?  Nothing.  Just posting up.  And staring.  Lots of staring.

4 Observations about the USA

1.  Americans are isolated.  That’s well-established.  But are we ignorant?  I heard the best answer to this question at a cafe in Switzerland in 2008, whilst I was hosting a show for my alma mater company, P&G… as one does.  My contact replied, “Yes, Americans are ignorant but it’s not your fault.”  He went on to list three reasons:  a.)  You get two weeks of vacation.  You have no time to really travel anywhere.  b.)  Your country is so large and geographical sequestered that you can drive for 14 hours and still be in the same area of the country.  Europeans drive for 14 hours and they’ve covered half the continent.  And because of six weeks’ vacation time, everyone has been to most other nations as well as Cairo, Beirut, Bombay, et al.  And we have to speak multiple languages because the people three towns over do.  c.)  Let’s face it.  You’re the newsmakers.  You really do have so much going on over there that you don’t have to pay attention to the rest of the planet.  So, there you have it.  Americans are ignorant but it’s not our fault.  Love it.
2. What did I miss about the USA?  Well, lots – it’s home.  I miss things about India… see above.  But I did miss the fact that America is largely flat when it comes to hierarchy.  Sure, there are legacies and there’s corruption and all that jazz, but it’s not a way of life like it is in many other nations.  I missed our acceptance.  And the pizza.
3. Whilst we were strolling through a market in Kolkata, we happened upon this amazing little bookstore where we spent almost two hours.  I bought a book for my tailor… as one does.  He had told me about Sri Aurobindo, and since he was from Kolkata, I found a souvenir for him.  I also came across a book, Addicted to War.  I read half of it and want to buy it and finish it.  It has made me reconsider a lot of the conceptions I have about our country.  I was already fairly moderate but this might change my paradigm.  This reminds me of the scene in American History X when the white supremacist said to Ed Norton’s character:  “You made the fat kid a little nervous.  He thinks the joint messed with your mind.”  I’ll never forget Norton’s two-word response:  “It did.”
4. On a lighter note, I’m surprised Indians don’t grasp the fundamental concept of the American military’s approach to the world:  “Might Is Right.”  Do they pay any attention to their own roads?  A chicken moves out of the way of a goat which moves out of the way of a scooter which moves out of the way of an auto-rickshaw which moves out of the way of a car which moves out of the way of a bus…

5 Observations about Our Tour

1.  We often received the question, “Why are you doing this tour?”  We want to make people laugh.  That’s our job.  My mission in life is “to make as many people laugh (and think) as I can.”  This was a manifestation of this.  Our goal isn’t to change people’s minds onstage or preach in any way.  I want to make people laugh while they’re there and think on the way home.  So, hopefully, we started or continued the conversation about life, war, peace, religious harmony, and coexistence.  And if not, I know we amused ’em.
2. The State of Maharashtra (which contains Bombay) had initially asked for our scripts so it could approve our program.  That presented an issue before we left America.  First of all, comedians don’t really have scripts.  Second of all, even if we do, we resent sharing them because it implies that you don’t trust us to do a good job.  So, we came up with what we thought was an ingenious and fair compromise.  “We’ll send you links to our videos and you can have someone transcribe our words… and voila!  You’ll have scripts.”  The State Department’s response?  “We don’t have the people to pull this off.”  Really?  That was the excuse?  In India, they didn’t have the people?  Eight different people checked my passport when I landed in Bombay.  One guy didn’t even have a uniform or a stamp – just a queue of people.  He was just opening them, glancing at them, nodding his head, and handing them back to us.  What purpose did he serve?  Hire that guy to write out our jokes.  His job is a joke.
3. We are the court jesters.  That was really the part we were playing.  The court jester was the one who would whisper messages of truth in the king’s ear with immunity.  Every comedian alive loves that role.  And we could convey the observations above to both India and America.
4. The US State Department did not censor us at all.  This showcased the greatness of America – that it’s paying us to promote a good image abroad but won’t tell us what to say and what not to say.  That’s really walking the talk.  We evinced what true democracy was by dissenting and disagreeing.  And India gets it – it’s the world’s largest democracy.  I’m proud to say that I do the same act in New York, in Alabama, in Switzerland, in Oman, and in India.  I don’t change up my point-of-view.  I don’t “Dixie Chicks” it.  Hey, if you’re gonna criticize your country, do it at home, too.  And that’s what I’ll keep doing.  I love the USA but it’s a lot like family.  I love it but it ain’t perfect.  And I’ll say that loudly.  But if you’re not a citizen – watch it.  It ain’t 100%, but it’s mine.
5. One of my favorite quotes is by an Anglican Bishop:

“When I was young and free and my imagination had no limits, I dreamed of changing the world.

As I grew older and wiser I discovered the world would not change –
So I shortened my sights somewhat and decided to change only my country, but it too seemed immovable.

As I grew into my twilight years, in one last desperate attempt, I settled for changing only my family, those closest to me, but alas, they would have none of it.

And now I realize as I lie on my deathbed, if I had only changed myself first, then by example I might have changed my family. From their inspiration and encouragement I would then have been able to better my country,

And who knows, I might have even changed the world.”

Once again, you can’t begin anything thinking you’re going to change the world.  But it’s a good way to end a blog post.

The official – and it’s official, considering it’s a State Dept. official who said it – reason is as follows:

“The reason we decided to support this tour is because, among the things that they are known for is their talk about religious tolerance, about the importance of breaking down prejudices and about the positive experiences they had growing up as Indian-Americans in the United States.  In addition to doing shows, they’ll also be holding audience discussions on these issues of religious tolerance, and doing workshops and having some interviews with the press.  I believe the full tour costs about a hundred thousand dollars.  The US Embassy in New Delhi is supporting them with a grant of about eighty-eight thousand dollars.”

Here’s the video:

http://youtu.be/7gkBc7R89TY

“What I need is a hundred thousand dollars.” – Corky, Waiting for Guffman

• I am writing this halfway through the 7-city tour.  Well, not exactly halfway, as that would be smack in the middle of the 4th show.  But close enough.  I wanted to be sure to capture some thoughts as these trips tend to pass by as whirlwinds if we don’t make a concerted effort to stop and smell the roses.
• I’m going to do this as a series of bullet points, as I find them easier to read than paragraphs, and despite the fact that bullets are often used in war.
• What’s my stance on war?  I’d describe myself as antiwar at my core, at my most philosophical.  I think the fact that we still solve problems (or do we?) thru war in the year 2012 is perhaps man’s greatest failure.  As Gandhi said, “An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind.”  It leads nowhere.  Or to something worse.  Recall Einstein:  “I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”  Whoa.  Having said that, I understand that the US often has to go to war.  And I do believe in American exceptionalism (although WordPress doesn’t since it just red-lined that word) in the sense that, since we won World War II and the Cold War, to the victor go the spoils.  I just wish the US government would be more transparent about what it does – we support freedom and democracy but every now and then we prop up dictatorships and terrible leaders around the world to raid its resources for our own benefit.  And guess what.  So did every other superpower that has ever lived.  It’s a sad reality.  I’d still say, in the grand scheme of things, the US is a benevolent ruler.  Things would not be any better if we put the British or the Soviets back in-charge – and would likely be worse.  As I said in the Q&A session after our show in Hyderabad, “Whoever is #1 tends to dump #2 on the rest of the world.”
• I make a distinction between the US and the USA.  To me, the latter represents Americans at our most ideal – supporting freedom and democracy and individualism and the journey of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.  The former is the entity that allows that to be true within the borders of the USA… and the means in which it does this may not necessarily align with the values of what America intended – and still claims – to be.  I do think things are getting better in that at least there is more awareness of how governments work (or don’t) – and hopefully with more power flowing to the people (Internet, Arab Spring, Occupy Wall Street, Tea Party, WikiLeaks), we can indeed improve as people.  It’s just that governments represent people and the one thing that seems to be consistent around the world is that people are essentially pieces of sh*t.
• This tour is necessary.  The animosity against the US is palpable here in India.  And that’s sad, because India is an old ally of ours.  And it’s the world’s largest democracy.  And it’s reasonable.  Standup comedians speak the truth.  And for us to get up onstage and just tell it like it is must be refreshing for people.  Standup comedy is the last bastion of honesty in society.  And I am honored to be somebody who just lays it out there for what it’s worth.  True, the US does wage war around the world, but not all Americans are a-holes.  In fact, we are some of the most welcoming and generous people anywhere.  Are Americans racist?  Yes, but not as much as pretty much everyone else.  Except Canadians.  Those folks are super-nice.  Maybe a superpower can’t be super-nice?  I don’t know.  But we digress… The main point here is that Americans are good people and don’t always support everything our government does.  And even within that, the US government is not a monolith.  It employs different tactics to achieve its means.  Sometimes it’s bullets.  Sometimes it’s laughs.  Sometimes those bullets are necessary.  [Cue Jack Nicholson's speech in A Few Good Men.]  And it’s just good to be part of the initiative that involves laughs.
• We’ve encountered very little of the sentiment that spending $100 K on comedy is a waste of taxpayer money – and that, too, only on the far right.  It’s ironic that those against Make Chai Not War likely belong to the Tea Party.  Obviously, it’s self-serving, but I believe it’s a great use of money.  First of all, it’s a drop in the bucket.  So any uproar is just a tempest in a pot of tea.  And connecting two nations via laughter is priceless.  If you don’t like it, maybe it’s not your cup of tea.
• The amount of press we’ve received is surreal.  It’s been an honor to be featured on NPR and in The Wall Street Journal and in many, many local and national media in India.
• How are we different from Russell Peters?  This has to be our favorite question.  I think Hari had the best answer when he replied to a reporter, “Well, I have a different brain.”  Love it.  We love Russell.  In fact, I once introduced him in Minneapolis as “the man who has introduced the idea of standup comedy to more people than anyone in history.”  Wow.  But yes, it’s possible to have more than one Indian comedian.  First of all, there’s a billion of us.  Second of all, when was one of anything enough?  Is there one Indian doctor?  One Indian lawyer?  One major Indian movie director?  Well, yes, in that case – and that’s enough.  No other minority seems to get this question… I doubt they asked Chris Rock, “But you know Bill Cosby already exists, right?”
• Azhar Usman is an amazing human being.  We agree on everything except for the final destination of our souls.  But that’s not why he’s incredible.  He just has this energy that radiates everywhere he goes.  Everyone loves the guy.  And for good reason.  He has a huge heart, he’s always smiling and laughing, and he spreads joy to everybody.  He gives freely to beggars, knows volumes and volumes about world history and religion, speaks five languages, and can rap every Public Enemy song.  If it sounds like I’m in awe, it’s because I am.  I can’t believe he’s toured over thirty countries while supporting a wife and four boys.  Unreal.  Comedy has allowed me to meet special people like him and I’m eternally grateful for this.
• Last night, we performed in Patna.  It’s in Bihar, which is sadly India’s poorest state.  The audience of 1000+ collectively did not speak much English at all.  And the fact that we went over well proves to me once again that 90% of communication is nonverbal – even a verbal medium like standup.  The crowd can sense our energy, see our smiles, and tell that we’re not mean-spirited but good-natured.
• What’s my take on religion?  First off… To Each His Own.  And here’s why… I think the answer is that it’s the elephant and the blind men.  There’s a huge elephant (Is there another kind?) and four blind men are feeling it and describing it.  “It’s like a big wall.”  “No, it’s thick and tall.”  “No, it swings and is kind of wet on the end.”  “No, it swings but it’s furry at the end.”  They’re obviously feeling different parts of the elephant – they’re all 100% correct.  In Hyperspace, Michio Kaku purports that there are 24 dimensions.  So, in 4D world here, it looks like some people are wrong.  But in 24 dimensions, far more things are possible.  And I think it’s possible – and probable – that we’re all right.   Accept Jesus Christ and you really do go to heaven.  Believe in God and how He manifests himself in many forms and improve yourself to an acceptable point and you attain Nirvana.  Etc.  Etc.  (Azhar could give more examples.)  The most intellectually honest POV is agnosticism.  I don’t know.  You don’t know.  Nobody knows.  And we’re not gonna know.  But I get why people fight over it.  Why not?  It’s a big topic.  Humans fight by definition.  (Although my friend, Meena Dimian, disagrees that it’s our nature.)  And would it be better if we fought over something more trivial, like our favorite flavor of ice cream?  Hey, it’s like America.  Your status is measured by how much money you have.  Fine.  Better than the color of your skin or, well, your religion.
• Does going to India give you material?  No, because it’s too difficult to explain to people how crossing the street is an accomplishment.  But then, somebody pointed out that I need to put on my Indian lenses and see it that way.  Great advice.  So that’s what I’m doing.
• India is SO different from the US that it’s very difficult to explain.  One thing that stands out about Incredible India is how ALIVE it is.  Your really do see everything walking down the street… people, cows, monkeys, goats… The driving is insane.  You have 5 people on a scooter being cut off by a giant bus.  And that’s routine.  It’s amazing how close to death people live every single day of their lives.
• Well, we just ordered room service.  Gotta love the juxtaposition.  (More on that in the next post.)  My masala dosa is getting cold.  I need to meet back up with Azhar and Hari now.  And my Dad is here, waiting to have chai with me.

Rajiv Satyal is half of the founding members of Make Chai Not War.  He is currently touring India, sponsored by the US State Dept.  He resides in Los Angeles.  In theory. 

3 Comics Walk into a Bhar-at...

We’ve been very fortunate to have gained some media coverage already.  The online Wall Street Journal did a piece.  I was also recently featured heavily in The Telegraph of Calcutta, specifically in a piece discussing the landscape of South Asian American standup comics.

Here’s one of our promotional posters… this’ll be the look/tone/feel for all of ‘em:

Poster for Patna (As Opposed to "Porno for Pyros")

Here’s our tour schedule:

1. Thu, 5 Jan – 7:00 – 8:30 pm – Chennai, Tamil Nadu – Museum Theatre, Pantheon Road, Egmore
2. Fri, 6 Jan – 7:00 – 8:30 pm – Bangalore, Karnataka – Vijayanagara Hall, Vivanta by Taj – M.G. Road
3. Sat, 7 Jan – 7:00 – 8:30 pm – Hyderabad, Andhra Pradesh – Ravindra Bharathi, Opposite Legislative Assembly, Saifabad
4. Wed, 11 Jan – 6:00 – 7:30 pm – Patna, Bihar – Rabindra Bhawan, Beerchand Patel Path
5. Sat, 14 Jan – 6:30 – 8:00 pm – Kolkata, West Bengal – Kala Mandir, 48, Shakespeare Sarani
6. Sun, 15 Jan – 5:00 – 6:30 pm – Durgapur, West Bengal – Srijoni Auditorium, City Centre
7. Wed, 18 Jan – 8:00 – 9:30 pm – Mumbai, Maharashtra – Y.B. Chavan Center, Main Auditorium, Gen. Jagannath Bhosale Marg, Opp. Mantralaya

If you want to come to the shows, please email rajiv [at] funnyindian.com.  Place “Tickets for Show” in the subject.  I SHOULD be able to get you in.

Thanks for your support!

Whereas I wrote a similar statement at the beginning of the year and,

Whereas it is important to bear in mind that things are unfolding as they are supposed to and,

Whereas it is further necessary to keep in view that some of these are not wholly within my sphere of control,

Therefore let it be resolved that these are my goals for 2012:

1. Get at least one standup set on TV.
2. Stage my one-person show.
3. Book at least one theatrical (film/TV) role and one commercial job.
4. Write and deliver at least five very good standup bits.
5. Write at least 30 more minutes of standup.
6. Top 2011 financially.
7. Book at least two programs for Funny ‘Cause It’s True.
8. Deliver 50 more episodes (weekly) for my podcast, increase the subscribers to over 1,000, and book at least two high-profile guests.
9. Deliver 12 more monthly newsletters.
10. Do at least two more feature weeks at major comedy clubs like Gotham and the Parlor.
11. Get featured in at least two major publications.
12. Record a new DVD.
13. Get at least one blog post to go viral, even though “viral” went out-of-style like two years ago.
14. Headline an LA-area comedy club.

At P&G, we used Start-Stop-Continue to figure out what we should, well, Start doing, Stop doing, and Continue doing.  The idea is that if you want 2012 to look different and have all these goals, then the time has to come from somewhere.  Here’s where.  Guess you could call it an extension of my F*ck It List.

STOP (I’ve either earned it, or… it isn’t working for me)

• Doing gigs for too little dough
• Blogging weekly
• Recording weekly videos

Less travel and less online content should free up enough time to accomplish those 14 things.  Or at least 8 of them.  Which would match my percentages the last two years.

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year… soon!  I love New Year’s Eve.  Everyone gets a chance to get in on it because it’s nondenominational.  I in fact dislike people who don’t get into it.  Here’s something I’ve always wondered:  You know how you always have that one person at a New Year’s Eve party who keeps insisting the occasion is no big deal?  Well, then why is he at the party?

It doesn’t matter where in the world you are – if you’re in the first time zone, you get to say you’re first.  If you’re last, people are envious because you’re the last ones partying.  As Chris Farley once said, “everybody parks, everybody wins.”  For us partiers, New Year’s Eve is the one night where tomorrow doesn’t happen till next year.

And it’s fairly universal to do a “Ten… One” countdown in the waning moments of the outgoing year and and exclaim, “Happy New Year!” in the incoming one.  So, every year, we all start Happy and end as One.  There’s something universal about that.  And that’s the feeling on which I believe we should all focus.

I kind of wish it were also “non-demon-ational… a way for us to let our demons out with immunity.  Let me explain.  I’m always looking for a loophole somewhere for my New Year’s Resolutions.  I keep thinking there should be a free day in there somewhere between Dec 31 and Jan 1 that allows you to just do whatever it is you said you weren’t going to do or not do whatever it is you said you were going to do but that wouldn’t fall in either calendar year so you’re perfect in 2011 AND 2012.  Kind of like how you go on vacation and think, “Well, I won’t have more than 5 drinks… in the United States.”  So that the streak is perfect.  After much searching, I finally found said loophole.  I’ve been trying to eat healthier and save the environment in 2011 and so what I’m going to do is buy a bunch of junk food on Dec 31, 2011, so when I finally eat it in 2012, it’s not because I want to, but rather because I can’t let it all go to waste.  I mean, there are starving kids in India.

(That’s what we were always told so that we’d finish our vegetables.  I usually got out of eating them because I’d argue back, “Well, how will eating food HERE help them THERE?  Besides, if I eat it, isn’t there just less food in the world for anyone to eat?”  I think my parents just let me get up from the table because they were sick of me.)

Actually, at the beginning of the year, I made not a Bucket List but a F*ck It List – things I was throwing the towel in on.

And if you don’t get your resolutions going right away in 2012, this is the one good thing if the Chinese really do take over the world.  Their New Year isn’t till January 23.  I think I’m going to use that as my out.  It’s the Year of The Dragon again… and that’s my birth year.

Of course, the Indian New Year was technically during Diwali, so you’re already behind if you’re going by that.  Indians have become quite Westernized in our celebrations.  Some say too much.  I say just enough – we love to celebrate.  So, we can ring in the New Year twice.  We give gifts on Diwali and Christmas.  Heck, because of immigration recording reasons, my Mom even has two birthdays.  In that case, though, it works to her supreme disadvantage:  On October 2, we tell her, “We’ll take you out on October 29.”  When October 29 rolls around, we hit her with, “We got you on October 2, didn’t we?”

Well, didn’t the Mayans say it’s all over in 2012, anyway?  If this is indeed the last New Year’s Eve, let’s go out with a bang.  This will be the first one for which I won’t be in the States.  Normally, I have the option of doing a standup show on NYE.  And I love doing them – comedy can certainly bring everyone together, too.  But thanks to my upcoming 7-city Make Chai Not War tour in India, I’ll be in Bombay on Dec 31.  Out of the country… New Year’s Eve… and maybe the last year ever?  Yeah, I’ll have more than 5 drinks.

Not just one.

1. General Interest:  I’d say the first set is timeless.  These are blog posts I’d submit to another blog, be it comedy/humor or politics or whatever.  I feel they’re worthy of syndication.
2. Current Events:  The next grouping is more timely.  I came up with stuff on the fly and posted it for the world to see.  Hopefully, they demonstrated my interest in the zeitgeist and some ability to capture it.
3. Personal:  The final cluster contains entries that help you get to know me.

General Interest

• Why NY Rules & LA Sucks / Why LA Rules & NY Sucks – I wrote a double column on the pros/cons of each city.  The comments will show you how personally people took it – but also luckily how fair & balanced I was.
• Isn’t It Ironic?  Don’t You Think? – I tackled the demystification of the notion of irony.
• Defining Greatness – I laid out the elements of greatness.
• Who Are The 26 Actors Who Have Appeared in at least 3 Feature Films of at least 2 Sets of Trilogies Released in The United States? – I asked and answered one of the best trivia questions I’ve ever heard.
• Is Alt Comedy Funny? – I drafted an uncharacteristically short post.
• Standup Comedy Devices:  The Biggest Traps in Writing & Performing Standup Comedy – I tried to help aspiring and even established fellow comics avoid the pitfalls of the field.
• The 9 Humor Styles – I broke down the types of comedy.
• Comedy:  If You’re Not Good At It, You’re Only Kidding Yourself – I satirized the Laugh Factory’s decision to offer free therapy to comedians.
• Things People Say – I did my best aspiring-to-be-George-Carlin impression, asking why we use the English language the way we do.
• The State of South Asian American Standup Comedy in 2011 – I wrote a review of where we are.

Current Events

•  The Grouch Returns – On 2/28, I reviewed the Oscars broadcast.
• Go Fo(u)rth and Multiply… or Divide? – On 7/4, I reflected upon our allegiance to the flag.
• Are You Really Gettin’ It? – On 7/15, I fretted about Carmageddon.
• Quick Jokes & Thoughts on the Debt Ceiling – On 8/2, I wrote about… well, the debt ceiling.
• Barack Talks History with George, Abe, & Harry – On 8/15, I wrote a sketch about these Presidents.
• “If That Thing Had 9 Lives, He Just Spent ‘Em All” – On 9/13, I partially defended Katt Williams’ meltdown.
• It’s The End of R.E.M. As We Know It – On 9/26, I lamented a band’s dissolution – and got a mention on NPR.
• Joking About Steve Jobs’ Passing Just Isn’t PC – On 10/10, I expressed grief at the passing of the tech giant.
• No Journey Is Too Great When One Finds What He… Sikhs – On 10/18, I celebrated a centenarian.

 Personal

• Rajiv Answers His Own Questions:  #1 – “What are your 3 or 4 favorite comedy flicks?  What’s the scariest movie you’ve seen?  What’s a movie you haven’t seen that you think everybody else has?”
• Rajiv Answers His Own Questions: #2 – “What kind of music do you like?  Which artist or album speaks to you?  What’s your ‘ish’?”
• Rajiv Answers His Own Questions:  #3 – “What could you give up most easily – books, TV, music, or movies?”
• The Answers – I provided my own responses to the questions asked during Talking Funny, the Ricky Gervais special on HBO, featuring Jerry Seinfeld, Chris Rock, and Louis CK.
• What 35 Feels Like – I was a bit taken aback by my own age… and that’s not necessarily a bad thing.
• F*ck It List – I provided a litany of things I wasn’t going to do in 2011… and I delivered.

On 3 Jan 2011, I did one for 2010 and laid out goals for 2011.

That same day, I wrote an overall statement for 2010:  “Achieved the feeling that I’m gonna be OK.  This closed out 8 years in the game for me.  Very cool things happen around Year 9 and Year 10 so, as long as I can keep playing for 2 years, I’m not gonna sweat what does or doesn’t come thru for 2011.  I have a career in entertainment and am grateful everyday for this.  I’m happy with my current lifestyle and can do this for a while still… dwelling in LA and traveling for shows.  I get to see my family often and have reconnected with friends from so many past lives.  Unbelievable.”

And I still feel that way.  Unbelievable.  I wanted to get a standup set on TV in 2011 but I also slacked pretty hard on making it happen.  Read on for what was accomplished in that realm and beyond…

These were my goals for 2011.  Just as last year, I’ll award myself a 0 for nothing accomplished, 0.5 for something significant accomplished, and a 1 for fully accomplished.

1. Top 2010, financially.  1.  I haven’t done the final tally but I’m pretty sure 2011 is my most lucrative year.
2. Perform one-person show.  0.5.  This has been so much more of an undertaking than I ever projected.  I did perform a reading and found another director and feel that 2012 is finally the year for it – after thinking I was gonna stage it in 2010.
3. Create and distribute continuous online content… blog posts, pictures, videos, podcasts, newsletters, and more.  1.  I cannot believe that I actually did this.  I indeed dropped a blog post every Monday.  I released something new every Tuesday, be that a newsletter (monthly), picture, or joke.  I posted a movie quote every Wednesday on Facebook and had people guess ‘em, further establishing myself as “the king of the world” when it comes to film references.  I interviewed somebody and released a podcast every Thursday.  I dropped a video every Friday.  Whew.
4. Land some high-profile and compelling guests for the podcast.  1.  I interviewed Comedian/Actor Kevin Nealon, UCB Co-Founder Matt Walsh, Comedian Godfrey, Whitney Lead Actor Chris D’Elia, Playwright Rajiv Joseph, Comedian Maz Jobrani, Actress Sheetal Sheth, Actress Reshma Shetty, and Comedian Sebastian Maniscalco.
5. Perform and record live talk show.  0.  It’s simply too early to accomplish this.  I want to convert the podcast into both audio and video and use that for the talk show.
6. Book acting gigs in TV/Film.  0.  I auditioned a fair amount but hopefully the law of averages will kick in for pilot season this winter/spring.
7. Book standup gigs on TV.  0.  I did get the booker of Conan to like me.  That’s no small thing.  But I owe him a followup tape.
8. Get a few blog posts to go viral, even though “viral” apparently went out of style in 2010.  0.5.  I did write several blog posts that I liked a lot and one that got a fair amount of attention.  Still, I am looking for syndication on a site like Cracked.com or HuffPo.
9. Release more merchandise for store.  0.  I didn’t even try.  Nothing has sold but I’m glad it’s there – makes FI.com more of an enterprise.
10. Land some programs for Funny ‘Cause It’s True.  1.  We conducted a very successful program for a large CPG company in New York at Gotham Comedy Club.
11. Continue building relationships with headliners, comedy clubs, corporations, and fans/friends online.   1.  I did 2 shows for P&G and 6 for GE.  I continued to work with Kevin Nealon.  Stayed in close touch with Russell Peters.  Sebastian Maniscalco took me to the Hollywood Improv and earned me “paid regular” status at Gotham Comedy Club.  I did two guest spots at the Parlor in Seattle and the booker wants me back.  I remained Tim Allen’s favorite host at Laugh Factory.  And UCB Co-Founder Matt Walsh got me to be a monologist at UCB.  Pretty cool.

As I stated last year… as the Les Brown quote goes, “Shoot for the moon and if you miss you will still be among the stars.”  And if you’ve seen my one-liners, you know I tear it apart by wondering whether he understands astronomy.

But the idea is a good one.  I think goals should just be slightly out of reach.  And out of the 11, I got a 6. 54% is a failing grade, but given that these are strategies to achieve the greater objective of “to make as many people laugh – and think – as I can” – and because I obtained that, 2011 was still a big success.  And it’s higher than last year’s 50%.

I’m proud to say that 2011 has been my best year ever.  Here’s the list of accomplishments:

1. Maintained the feeling of well-being that I “earned” at the end of last year – I don’t think anything is more valuable than this as it’s the extension of my proudest (and most humble) accomplishment/blessing in life… the amazing relationships I have with my family and friends.
2. Had my best financial year.
3. Booked a 7-city tour in India, scheduled for next month, hosted by the US State Dept.
4. Became a paid regular at Gotham Comedy Club in NY, featuring all wknd for Sebastian Maniscalco.
5. Booked NACA Nationals.
6. Conducted 4th Funny ‘Cause It’s True program for large CPG company in NY.
7. Performed 75-min standup show in Muscat, Oman.
8. Continued to build relationships w/ Kevin Nealon, Sebastian Maniscalco, Russell Peters, Tim Allen, and Matt Walsh.
9. Interviewed some amazing guests on my podcast, including Comedians Kevin Nealon,  Godfrey, Chris D’Elia, Maz Jobrani, & Sebastian Maniscalco; Actors Matt Walsh, Sheetal Sheth, & Reshma Shetty, and Playwright Rajiv Joseph.
10. Released continuous content all year – Blog Mondays, New Stuff Tuesdays, Quote Wednesdays, Podcast Thursdays, and Video Fridays.
11. Featured for a weekend at Las Vegas Improv, booked personally by founder Budd Friedman.
12. Performed standup for 90 minutes at Boston College.
13. Got the booker at Conan interested in me… professionally, that is.
14. Did a 5-hour reading of the one-person show in (obviously) draft form to a close-knit group of friends at my apartment and landed a great director to help bring it home.
15. Got material featured on Pandora’s new comedy channel (without trying).
16. Completed improv and sketch writing training at UCB.
17. Developed and delivered thrice a 75-min presentation on Personal Branding.
18. Featured on NPR and in GQ India and Telegraph.
19. Increased fan base… numbers:  Facebook friends (from 4,128 to 4,765); FB Fan Page fans (from 774 to 1,123); Newsletter recipients (from undisclosed to undisclosed… so pretentious); YouTube subscribers (115 to 187); Twitter followers (from 1,354 to 1,846); and now have a Klout score of 54… whatever that means.

Last year, I had 20.  I’ve focused.

And the year isn’t over.  Boss.

I’ve made no secret out of the fact that I, as a rule, detest investment bankers. I think they’re worse than useless, not only adding no value but actually subtracting it.

Well, Mr. Bass explains in plain English the debt problems of the world, focusing on Japan, Europe, and the US.

The last video is very long. But I took 5 big points out of it:

- We’ve been raised to believe that all things are cyclical. This time it’s secular (meaning a structural problem) and so things won’t just bounce back.

- All jobs created recently are either in government or in government-supported industries: education, health care, and defense.

- Debt – if you count all of it including Social Security, Medicaid/-Care, corporate, and household – is actually at 540% of GDP. And it’s worse than that… GDP isn’t really the denominator to use. It’s government revenue, which is 16% of GDP.

- Bass not only avoids getting political but generally doesn’t get passionate, either – he’s quite logical and calm. So, he doesn’t call out George W. Bush by name, but Medicare-D, which is the prescription drug bill, is actually $18 Trillion in the hole vs. the $16 T that Social Security is.

- It all comes crashing down in 18 months.

If you have a few minutes, watch this video:

If you have longer, watch this one:

If you have an hour – which I apparently did – watch this one… and if the link doesn’t work, you can try this one on the site: http://vimeo.com/18920437:

AmeriCatalyst 2010: Confessions of a Dangerous Mind – A Conversation with Kyle Bass from SYJackson on Vimeo.

Bass schools us well. Pun intended.

Here’s a million-dollar idea – and possibly one They are already working on.

I don’t need to own anything any more.  I think most of us already regret our home purchases.  But to take it down to the entertainment level… I’d be very happy to not have any songs on my hard drive or movies on tape or even on my DVR.

I know subscription models have been tried before – Rhapsody vs. iTunes, for example.  And Netflix is sort of doing this in a way – you can stream an increasing number of titles.  And with YouTube, a lot of songs are available for listening/viewing.  Indeed, I like VOD (on-demand) way better than DVR… I just wish On-Demand had ANY FUNCTIONALITY WHATSOEVER.  It sucks.  So, fix that.

But how about a subscription model in which I pay a fixed amount per month to access – in my home, car, and office – every single TV show, song, movie, game, and book ever created?

How much would that be worth to you?

I say $150/month.

Somebody make it happen.