May 5, 2012

Y, MCA???

The passing of Adam Yauch, a.k.a. MCA, has hit me harder than the heaviest beats on The Beastie Boys’ debut album, Licensed to Ill.

Perhaps more than any other band, I grew up with the BBs.  Sure, my favorites remain The Beatles (a group sharing the first six letters) and Led Zeppelin, but they were much before my time (and the Beasties’, too… though they did sample both of them).

In a previous post entitled The Record of Records, I had detailed every single album that influenced me up until the year 2000 (a fine cutoff point for anything).

About Ill (not to be confused with III by Led Zep), I wrote:

This album was huge. I remember learning all the lyrics to “Paul Revere.” (I still know them.) As they’ve progressed through various genres of music, I consider them to be one of the most significant bands of all time. And this album was synonymous with fun. Amazing.

Among the several commented, a bloke named CJ replied:

Wish I had kept that clip taken from a mosh-pit during a pro neo-nazi/KKK rally where it showed the participants slam dancing to the Beastie Boys.

I replied:

CJ – It just goes to prove my point that everybody loves the Beasties. I don’t think there’s a musical act in history that endears you to a more eclectic collection of people, even if some of them give straight-arm salutes and likely distort the lyrics to Fight for your Reich.

In fact, “Revere” may have been the first song to which I knew all the words.

Furthermore, I stand by the “broadly appealing” sentiment, perhaps because the BBs moved from punk to hip-hop to modern rock.  (I resent the term “alternative.”  Alternative to what?) Recently, I started asking comics, “If you were a musical act, who would you be?”  I’m no doubt the BBs… an evolving mosaic of pop culture, sampling everything from movies to other music.

Ill dropped in 1986, smack in the middle of fifth grade. We all loved it. I even recall John, Jon, Matt, Gabe (and I’m sure I’m missing a couple) dressing up as the Beachie Boys, replete with beach balls and jams, which were all the rage.  The band largely went quiet until 1989, with Paul’s Boutique.  I like the album in retrospect, but at the time, I think I was expecting more Revere and less Boutique.  I may also have been too young to appreciate the transition… my modern rock phase was just beginning as I started to listen to R.E.M., Depeche Mode, The Cure, et al.

Check Your Head dropped my junior year in high school and everybody was asking each other loudly, “So Whatcha Want?”

Cue to 1994… and anyone who knows me knows that this is my favorite year.  No one helped define it better than the Beasties.  From high school through that summer into freshman year of college, we rocked these fools at the top of our stereos.  I’ll never forget spending (wasting) all my time down the hall in Allspach & Dreyer’s room, kicking “Sure Shot,” “Root Down,” “Sabotage,” “Flute Loop,” and then toning it down with “Get It Together” on the late-night tip.  (Or I guess, the Q-Tip.)

Such relatable lyrics, too.  “I got a Grandma Hazel and a Grandma Tilly.”  I mean, I have a Grandma Shakuntala and another Grandma Shakuntala, but close.

Actually, “Sabotage” helped me win my 4th straight Class Presidency term since I appropriated the lyrics for a campaign poster… LISTEN ALL Y’ALL, IT’S A SATYAL.  All in all, I felt like they were with me as I grew up.

I’m in Denver, Colorado, for the weekend (fresh off of hearing the sad news yesterday from on-air personality, SK), on my way to visit my friend from 4th grade, Kyle, with whom I’ll surely reminisce.  But as soon as I can get back East, I’ll pull a Kumar (that is my middle name, after all) and head to White Castle in honor of MCA. I may even do some long-form improv and pull a Harold & Kumar.

(Boy, that quip is as esoteric as the Beasties were not.  But my Upright Citizens Brigade friends should get that.  In fact, my favorite warmup game was Beastie Boys-inspired:  you had to do a rap in BB form… Start with something like, “I was walking down the street and I saw a ___.”  Then somebody would say a word and give it to the next person, who’d then have to make it rhyme.  And so on and so on, we’d “Pass The Mic.”)

Yes, I realize this post is as convoluted as one of the BBs’ tracks (though not as good).  I’m just a little scattered.. a little “Slow and Low.”  Perhaps I’ll add to it… I’ve already thought of a few jokes, but for me, it’s too early.  For now, I’ll close with this…

Adam, you were too young.  You were always licensed to ill, but you were much too young to die.

#RIPMCA

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May 1, 2012

Let’s Dwell on This

Or in it.

Looking to rent* a house near downtown Cincinnati?

Deets pasted below and attached as PDF.

*Or buy… if so, let’s talk about that.

West End Property for Rent

937 Mound St.
Cincinnati, OH 45203

The Best of Urban and Suburban Living in One House!

Rent*: $1500/Month or $1800/Month (fully furnished)

*plus utilities

  • New Construction (built – not refurbished) in 2001
  • Available for Immediate Occupancy
  • 2 Large Bedrooms and 2.5 Baths – Ideal for Roommates or Families
  • 1600 Square Feet
  • 2-Car Garage & Also Plenty of Street Parking
  • Master Suite w/ Large Bathroom w/ Hot Tub
  • Media Room
  • Plenty of Storage – Basement, Garage, Attic, & Large Bedroom Closets
  • Hardwood Floors
  • Backyard Great for Entertaining Guests
  • Large Living/Dining Room Area
  • Large Eat-In Kitchen w/ Corian Countertop Island, Fridge & Many Cabinets
  • On a Street that Looks like a Movie Set
  • Walkable to Downtown
  • Rented as Furnished or Unfurnished
  • Friendly Neighbors make up a Strong & Supportive Housing Association
  • Owned by almost-famous comedian, the Funny Indian himself, Rajiv Satyal

Please contact Lalita Satyal: lalita.satyal@gmail.com

West End Property for Rent

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April 29, 2012

Talking Head

I couldn’t believe the response.  I posted a picture taken during one of my latest head shot sessions.  This one I had done for fun… even though I’m not smiling.  I wasn’t (and am still not) sure what purpose this picture is to serve but I was intrigued by doing a closeup of my face.

I dropped it on FB and, counting the initial replies of 7 likes, 6 comments, and 1 share, I got 24 likes and 116 comments.  Clearly, my instincts were right – such a photo invokes some kind of feeling in people.

I had posted:  “i thought of a caption but let’s see what you come up with.”

The comments fell into several categories… and I won’t correct folks’ grammar or I’ll be up all night:

Something People Thought I Was Saying

  • Serious Indian
  • I too, suffer from Erectile Dysfunction
  • Help is waiting. Call now.
  • Be Honest with Yourself
  • REALLY!?!
  • Hi, I’m Abed’s Brother
  • Im lookin at You… you lookin at ME?
  • I said a SOY latte with NO whip jerkwad!
  • Yes! I am wearing my superman costume under this suit! How did you know???
  • Look, not all of us can look this Irish…
  • Sure, I can hold your purse while you try that on…
  • My eyeballs were exactly this big when I was born.
  • Huh? My story? Okay. It was never easy for me. I was born a poor black child.
  • No, for the 3rd time, my family doesn’t do anything for Cinco de Mayo.
  • Ma’am, if you just have a few minutes I’d like to show you this new way to clean your floors…
  • OK, I’m just gonna be honest, that Chelsea Handler sitcom is total crapola…
  • What? You’re what? I thought we used protection!
  • How fascinating.
  • Look Dane Cook would never steal MY material…c’mon…
  • Really? You’re going to argue with eyebrows *this* well manicured?
  • But Captain…that is not logical…
  • My thoughts are much more interesting than your words.
  • Venereal Disease is a serious issue. I can help you.
  • OOOOO….I’m just practicing my sexy face again…
  • ….and why did I decide to wear man thongs under a suit?
  • What do you mean you “fake it” with me…?
  • ok…where’s my dildo?
  • “Oh please, go on.”
  • and I’ll take one of “those” please…(mind can wonder what “those” is!)
  • “Yes, the original dog in Lassie was a male…don’t believe me?Wiki it…”
  • all eyes on me
  • ugghhhhhh…..of all times…I have to pee? Really?
  • lets see who blinks first.
  • Huh??? Did I just see J-Lo’s nip??
  • woah… is tht kim kardashian walkin away frm me.
  • ?”Let’s face it ~ You’re really not good enough for me.”
  • pfft! I hope nobody smelled that.
  • dont u walk away frm me young man.. look at me when im talkin to u
  • what would ben kingsley do?
  • Do not f*** with me.
  • i could tell u. but im gonna have to kill u after tht.
  • wow.. is who’s the boss on tv again..
  • …and then he realized that he forgot his pants.
  • thank god, no one can see whr my hands are.
  • “I just sharted”
  • ?”Thanks to Depends, I’m peeing right now.”
  • But i’ve already been through the metal detector…..
  • i knw wht u did last summer.
  • Don’t ignore ED; Seek help.
  • “Look, this is opener money…I’m not taking anything less than half of what Nealon is making”…
  • Please pay before you pump!
  • Baby Pleassssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssse
  • Matrix 4 releases its most sinister “Mr. Smith” type villain EVER… Mr. Patel.
  • Intellectual Surprise
  • I really, really love you.
  • ?”Does this suit make me look fat?”
  • Wtf?
  • Let’s have a staring contest, ready, go.
  • Really.
  • yes, i did thread them the indian way. no waxing for this brown.
  • Do you really think we at Google give a crap about your privacy?
  • So you think you’re funny?
  • After photo of Uni-brow procedure…
  • No, I didn’t have too much coffee today.
  • …and THIS is why CBS was advocating a colonoscopy???
  • Look maaw, no unibrow!
  • Yes sir it is necessary for you to touch your toes and cough.
  • touch your toes and cough? this isn’t our catholic school gym class..
  • Oops.  I farted.
  • Forget Obama….I will be your next President of the United States of America.
  • I will try hard not to giggle when my friend, Karen performs her head to toe assessment on me!!
  • “But I thought you were into that kind of stuff…”
  • ?”you want fries with that?”
  • And now u tell me that….
  • ?”Children.. No running in the hallways!”
  • “so when am in on?”
  • “I’m sober…are u?”
  • No ma’am, your prescription is not ready!
  • Seriously??? Come back and visit us on Delta!!!!!
  • “And you thought perfection will never stare you in the face…Shush now, you can thank me later!”
  • It puts the lotion on its skin…
  • Look into my eyes, look into my eyes, the eyes, the eyes, not around the eyes, don’t look around my eyes, look into my eyes, you’re under. I have not been taking your underwear home, putting it on in my bedroom and then parading up and down in front of the mirror going (running his hands over his body) ‘Oh, oh, oh, oh’. Three, two, one… You’re back in the room. (Kenny the Hypnotist from Little Britain)
  • It wasn’t me!
  • Constipation affects 1 out of 3 Americans everyday
  • Another one: Seriously? Is that the best you can do?
  • Pee Wee Herman’s Comedy Adventure, starring Rajiv Satyal.
  • Now for the Botox
  • Caption “Ladies…. you know you want me.”
  • …your not gonna believe this sh*t!
  • i just saved 15% on my car insurance.
  • You hear that Mr. Anderson?… That is the sound of inevitability… It is the sound of your death… Goodbye, Mr. Anderson.
  • … Make u laugh? What? Like its hard?
  • Somebody gonna get hurt REAL bad!!!!!
  • Sorry, today is your last day at work
  • The man is not as scary as he looks !!
  • “It was really funny ….you can laugh damn it”

People’s Reactions to the Picture Itself

  • RAJYAL
  • miss you part time roommate
  • Indian Mr. Rogers
  • Handsome!
  • i feel like you’re judging me
  • The awkward moment when someone says….”Your fly is down”.
  • (not the caption yet, but said in a fred willard voice, “this is too much fun,” so I have to do another which would be), Rajiv as the Indian Sam Jackson in the Bollywood Pulp Fiction, whose voice does not boom, but speaks soft and deadly, “Say what one more time, muthafu!$a.”
  • Hmmm, you look like Michele Bachmann. You know the male, intelligent and not accidentally comic desi version.
  • New profile pic material for sure!
  • Dr. Zhivago
  • Scary comes to mind.
  • my my, what big eyes you have grandpa
  • This is you in 25 years: http://ia.media-imdb.com/images/M/MV5BMTIwNDY2OTgwMl5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTYwNzA0OTg1._V1_SX260.jpg
  • Your dripping nose boogers are freaking me out!!!
  • Beady Eyes :)

People’s Replies to Others’ Responses
[Mostly “ha ha”s]

Which was my favorite?  Well, first of all, I’m appreciative people took the time to write in, especially now that (unless you change the notifications settings), your inbox can get inundated with people’s replies.  It’s the price you pay for talking… you then have to listen.  It appeared a lot of the replies were either sexual or alluded to some kind of Indian stereotype or made fun of my eyebrows.  It’s cool that people thought I could be saying a variety of things and that some found it funny, some serious, some scary… I think the picture conveys a deeper “version” of me than just a smile does.  I’m a happy person at my core but there is this layer of “don’t F with me” that I’m happy translates.  I know it scared a few people that I showed and that somehow pleased me.

5.  Intellectual Surprise.

4.  My thoughts are much more interesting than your words.

3.  Be Honest with Yourself.

2.  Rajiv as the Indian Sam Jackson in the Bollywood Pulp Fiction, whose voice does not boom, but speaks soft and deadly, “Say what one more time, muthafu!$a.”

1.  Serious Indian.

Incidentally, #1 was the very first comment.

And what was I originally going to write?  “Rajiv Joins The Talking Heads.”  But after such an impressive list, I feel like that’s a bit anticlimactic.

In any case, I’m glad it started a conversation.  I guess… “No one knows what it means but it’s provocative… it gets the people going.”

 

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Hashya Ki Desi Dawa

I was featured in this article that I can’t read.

 

Hashya Ki Desi Dawa

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India Abroad Spread

Make Chai Not War was featured on the homepage of the India Abroad website.  Because it takes a subscription to read it, I am attaching the PDFs here.  Enjoy.

India Abroad Cover

Spread 1 of 2

Spread 2 of 2

 

 

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March 5, 2012

Right Down Through The Wire, Even Through The Fire

“Many a tear have to fall, but it’s all in the game.” – Tommy Edwards, 1958

Anyone want to discuss The Wire? If you haven’t seen it, this post contains a few spoilers but you’d probably have to read between the lines to get them, as opposed to “Can’t believe ___ got shot in the end.”

For an entertainer living in LA and as a political junkie, I’m quite behind the times on this one.  The thing is that I have sort of a policy against watching non-comedies on television.  I grew up on sitcoms so that’s what I know.  It’s impressive/embarrassing how many episodes of comedic TV I’ve watched – and how many times I’ve seen these episodes.

I’ve answered one of my podcast questions in a previous post: What could you give up most easily – books, TV, music, or movies?

It’s TV. Even though it’s better than it’s ever been (along with advertising, as opposed to music and movies, which continue their steady decline), it remains the medium with which I could most expeditiously dispense.

  • Dramas especially are just such a time commitment. Furthermore, my OCD ways force me to watch a show in its entirety and in chronological order.  Plus, I’m easy to amuse; hard to impress.  So, I could fall in love with a sitcom within four or five episodes.  Doesn’t work that way with me for drama/action… I’ve watched about ten episodes of Mad Men.  I love period pieces.  I worked in advertising.  And I just won’t get past the fact that I feel this is a chick show.  Can’t get into it.
  • Perhaps I love complex shows because I’m willing to work… LOST and The West Wing were thinkers.  So, it’s a paradox.  I am down to dive in but I need to find the time to do so.  The cool thing about TV-seasons-on-DVD is that it feels like they’ve converted play to work.  “What’d you do last night?”  “I stayed in and watched the last five episodes of The Wire.”   “Nice.  You got a lot done.”
  • You can’t help the way you’re… wired.  TV is character-based; movies are event-based.  I think in terms of events.  They happen and then they’re done.  As such, I have two screenplay ideas I want to develop.  While I have TV ideas, I can’t fathom thinking of myriad different situations (the “sit” of “sitcoms”) in which to place the characters.  As difficult as it is, I can imagine writing a book, making a movie, and producing a song.  How one conceives of and actually creates a TV show blows my mind.

As such, I’ve only ever seen The West Wing, LOST, and now, The Wire.  I watched all of TWW on DVD.  LOST, I did the first two seasons on DVD, the third on iTunes, and then caught up with it in Season 4 and watched it live with its dwindling but committed audience thru the bitter(sweet) end of 6.

So… The Wire.  At the urging of my brothers and my friend, Raman Sehgal, I watched the first two seasons on DVD… and in fact, I had seen the first season two years ago but never got around to the second.  I started over.  Time Warner Cable finally got HBO GO, so I cashed the rest of the series online.  HBO GO is the most amazing invention ever and – not to jinx it – I can’t believe it’s free with an HBO subscription.  They have a ton of HBO shows all ready to stream online.  Incredible.  I’ll always prefer the “lean-back” experience of TV on a big screen vs. the “lean-forward” of a laptop but the show is so gripping that I just had to bust the whole thing out as efficiently as possible. And I kept it so much on the down-low that I thought I myself was committing a crime. I didn’t want to tell people I was watching it lest somebody give away the ending.

Is The Wire the greatest TV show ever?  It’s definitely up there.  I can see how people make that claim.  I’ve made a lot of fuss over the differences between Best and Favorite, even going as far as attempting to define greatness.  In short, Best refers to an objective, step-back-and-try-to-evaluate-without-passion POV, whereas Favorite feels more personal and dependent upon one’s tastes.  As such, since I’m so into politics, it’s difficult for me to place any show above The West Wing.  Aaron Sorkin is a genius.  It’s also hard to top LOST in terms of the emotions it made you feel.  So, it may be a three-way tie for Favorite.

For Best… It’s definitely a better show than LOST.  And I figured out why; it occurred to me once I came to this realization:  The Wire had no flashbacks.  That’s amazing.  It told the story in a purely linear way.  How in the world do you evince character development like that?  By amazingly compelling story lines and depicting those moments that would truly convey what the characters were thinking and feeling.  It employed very few devices at all.  LOST was full of emo music, slow motion montages, and all that jazz.  Wire, on the other hand, felt real and, to use the word everyone did to describe it, gritty.

Favorite Season:

It’s hard to say, but right now I’m thinking I’d go… 5, 3, 1, 4, 2. But I loved 2, too.

Favorite Characters:

  • Omar – An unoriginal top pick, I realize, but the man is the Joker.
  • Cutty – I usually like to watch characters descend into darkness but he was one of the few that rose; the empathy he engendered was unmatched given how little screen time he got, relatively speaking.
  • McNulty – The main character was unbelievably likable, despite (or because of) all his flaws.
  • D’Angelo – I go for the conflicted ones and no one depicted the Good/Evil struggle better.
  • Daniels – He was the best boss you could hope for in the messed-up world in which they (and maybe we) live.
  • Sobotka – What a turnaround… you go from hating the guy to truly rooting for him by the end.

The Wire contained so much wisdom and wit.  My favorite quotes:

Pajiba.com ran a very good blog post that also linked to two 100 Greatest Quotes from the show…

 

My personal favorites:

  • “No one wins.  One side just loses more slowly.” – Prez
  • “Girl, you can’t even think of calling this sh*t a war…. Wars end.” – Carver
  • “I got the shotgun. You got the briefcase. It’s all in the game, though, right?” – Omar to Levy the defense attorney
  • “Come at the king, you best not miss.” – Omar
  • “Kill an everyday workin’ man and all. I mean, I do some dirt, too, but I ain’t never put my gun on nobody that wasn’t in the game.” – Omar to Bunk
  • “A man must have a code.” – Bunk to Omar
  • “A wise man does not burn his bridges until he first knows he can part the waters.” – Norman
  • “See, that’s why we can’t win…. They f*ck up, they get beat. We f*ck up, they give us pensions.” – Herc to Carver
  • “You cannot lose if you do not play.” – Marla Daniels
  • “Ain’t no shame in holdin’ on to grief, as long as you make room for other things too.” – Bubbles
  • “I can’t wait to go to jail.” – Bernard after his girl said, “You’ve got to be the stupidest motherf*cker I’ve ever dated.”
  • “The world goin’ one way; people another, yo.” – Poot after Bodie said, “Thought you said it was getting warmer.”
  • “Don’t matter who did what to who at this point. Fact is, we went to war and there ain’t no turnin’ back. I mean, sh*t, it’s what war is, you know? Once you in it, you in it. If it’s a lie, then we fight on that lie. But we gotta fight.” – Slim Charles
  • “There’s games beyond the f*cking game.” – Stringer Bell to Avon Barksdale
  • “Worryin’ about you be like wonderin’ if the sun gonna come up.” – Omar to Brother Mouzone
  • “You start to tell the story, you think you’re the hero, and then when you get done talking…” – McNulty
  • “That will teach you to give a f*ck when it ain’t your turn to give a f*ck.” – Bunk to McNulty
  • “All the guys at the bar, Jimmy, all the girls; they don’t show up at your wake.  Not because they don’t like you.  But because, they never knew your last name.  Then a month later, someone tells them, ‘Oh, Jimmy died.’ ‘Jimmy who?’  ‘Jimmy the Cop.’  ‘Ohhh,’ they say, ‘him.’  And all the people on the job, all those people you spent all the hours in the radio cars with, the guys with their feet up on the desk, tellin’ stories, who shorted you on your food runs, who signed your overtime slips.  In the end, they’re not gonna be there either.  Family, that’s it.  Family, and if you’re lucky, one or two friends who are the same as family.  That’s all the best of us get.  Everything else is just…” – Beadie
  • “The king stay the king.” – D’Angelo Barksdale
  • My name is my name.” – Marlo
  • “Shame is some tricky sh*t, ain’t it? Makes you feel like you want to change, and then beats you back down when you think you can’t.” – Walon
  • “Look the part, be the part, mothaf*cka.” – Prop Joe to Avon Barksdale
  • “You know what the trouble is, Brucey? We used to make sh*t in this country, build sh*t. Now we just put our hand in the next guy’s pocket.” – Sobotka
  • “All in the game, yo.  All in the game.” – Omar
  • “A life, Jimmy. You know what that is? It’s the sh*t that happens while you’re waiting for moments that never come.” – Freamon to McNulty
  • “The bigger the lie, the more they believe.” – Bunk
  • “You follow drugs, you get drug addicts and drug dealers. But you start to follow the money and you don’t know where the f*ck it’s gonna take you.” – Freamon
  • “I’m doing like one of them marriage counselors.  Charge by the hour to tell some fool he need to bring some flowers home.  Then charge another hour telling the bitch she oughta suck some cock every little once in a while.  You know, keep a marriage strong like that.” – Prop Joe
  • “They can chew you up, but they gotta spit you out.” – McNulty
  • “If I hear the music, I’m gonna dance.” – Greggs
  • “I’ll swallow a lie when I have to; I’ve swallowed a few big ones lately. But the stat games? That lie? It’s what ruined this department. Shining up sh*t and calling it gold so majors become colonels and mayors become governors.” – Daniels
  • “Marlo’s an as*hole. He does not get to win. WE get to win.” – McNulty to Bunk
  • “You don’t think I’m gonna send any of my people up against Brother? Sh*t, that nigga got more bodies on him than a Chinese cemetery.” – Prop Joe
  • “Business.  Always business.” – The Greek
  • “Not at home, I imagine.” – Gus after Templeton asks, “Where am I going to find homeless people?”
  • “Like… how do you get from here to the rest of the world?” – Dukie to Cutty
  • “You’d rather live in sh*t than let the world see you work a shovel.” – Daniels to Burrell
  • “Look, forgiveness from other folks is good, but ain’t nothin’ but words comin’ at you from outside.  You want to kick this sh*t, you got to forgive your own self.  Love yourself some, brother.  And then drag your sorry ass to some meetings…. What the f*ck do you wanna hear?  That you’re strong enough to do this by yourself?  Gettin’ clean’s the easy part.  And then comes life.” – Walon to Bubbles
  • “They’re dead where it doesn’t count.” – Fletcher
  • “Man, money ain’t got no owners. Only spenders.” – Omar, after Marlo said, “That’s my money.”
  • “I like that ring too. [pause] Boy, you got me confused with a man who repeat himself.” – Omar to Marlo
  • “A lie ain’t a side of a story.  It’s just a lie.” – Terry Hanning
  • “We got our thing, but it’s just part of the big thing.” – Zenobia
  • “Game’s the same – just got more fierce.” – Slim Charles to Cutty
  • “Let’s be clear, Det. Freamon. When I f*ck you over, you’ll know it. You’ll be so g*ddamn certain, you won’t need to ask that question.” – Rawls to Freamon
  • “Conscience do cost.” – Butchie
  • “‘Deserve’ got nothin’ to do with it.” – Snoop to Michael
  • “Middle management means that you got just enough responsibility to listen when people talk, but not so much you can’t tell anybody to go f*ck themselves.” – Bunny Colvin
  • “Couple weeks from now, you’re gonna be in some district somewhere with 11 or 12 uniforms looking to you for everything. And some of them are gonna be good police. Some of them are gonna be young and stupid. A few are gonna be pieces of sh*t. But all of them will take their cue from you. You show loyalty, they learn loyalty. You show them it’s about the work, it’ll be about the work. You show them some other kinda game, then that’s the game they’ll play. I came on in the Eastern, and there was a piece-of-sh*t lieutenant hoping to be a captain, piece-of-sh*t sergeants hoping to be lieutenants. Pretty soon we had piece-of-sh*t patrolmen trying to figure the job for themselves. And some of what happens then is hard as hell to live down. Comes a day you’re gonna have to decide whether it’s about you or about the work.” – Daniels to Carver
  • “Yeah, now, well, the thing about the old days: they the old days.” – Slim Charles
  • “Somewhere back in the beginning of time, this district had itself a civic dilemma of epic proportions. The city council had just passed a law that forbade alcoholic consumption in public areas; on the streets and on the corners. But the corner is, it was and it always will be the poorman’s lounge. It’s where a man wants to be on a hot summer’s night. It’s cheaper than a bar. Catch a nice breeze and watch the girls go on by. But the law is the law so what are the western cops gonna do? They arrest every dude for tipping back a High Life, there’d be no time for any other kind of police work. And if they look the other way, they open themselves up to all kinds of flaunting, all kinds of disrespect. Now, this is before my time but somewhere back in the 50′s or the 60′s, there was a moment of goddamn genius by some nameless smokehound who comes out the Cut-Rate one day and on his way to the corner he slips that just bought pint of elderberry into a paper bag. A great moment of civic compromise. That small wrinkled ass paper bag allowed the corner boys to have their drink in peace and gave us permission to go and do police work. The kind of police work that’s actually worth the effort, that’s actually worth taking a bullet for. Dozerman got shot last night buying three vials. Three. There has never been a paper bag for drugs. Until now.” – Bunny Colvin
  • “Mm-hmm, a grown-up.” – Bunk after McNulty asks him, “You know what they call a guy who pays that much attention to his clothes, don’t you?”
  • “Sheeeeeeet.” – Clay Davis
  • “Let’s go home.” – McNulty (series’ last line)

So, which show is next?  I only watch something once enough people whose opinions I respect have suggested it.  I should make a Survey Monkey to figure out what it should be… The Sopranos, Breaking Bad, Battlestar Galactica… anything else?

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February 28, 2012

Let’s Put Our Heads Together

I got my head shots redone because I have a new head.  I started shaving my hair off last year – finally threw in the towel.

Here’s the history of how we got here:

I’d love to find digitally my original one from circa 2002 – I’ll keep looking.  It was black & white and photographed in Cincinnati by Pat Brown.

I got another set done when I moved to LA.  I selected three – one for press/publicity (media), one for comedy clubs (standup), and one for commercial/theatrical auditions, portraying the best friend/neighbor (acting)… or mailman, as was the role I played in that Walgreens ad.

Primary Media Head Shot

 

Primary Standup Head Shot

 

Primary Acting Head Shot

 

Last year, I had these done, narrowing it down to two…

Primary Standup Head Shot

 

Primary Acting Head Shot

And now, I’d ideally like to select one shot to use for both, although I’m OK with using two again.  I think an ideal head shot conveys your “look”… something that shows some personality.  So, which of the 52 in this deck conveys The Rajiv Look?

http://www.flickr.com/photos/funnyindian/sets/72157629441364687/with/6924882429/

Thanks for your help!

I’ll also release two more… one to replace my dot-pic and a closeup… but those I’ll do separately.

The Infamous Dot Pic

I’ll probably link to this post from Facebook.  I mean, we are picking a face to book, right?  Let’s face it.  Alright, I gotta book.

 

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February 7, 2012

And In No Way Is That Depressing

The most bizarre thing happened to me last week.  I ended up in the exact same spot in Los Angeles four days in a row.  And I don’t mean my house in my neighborhood – there’d be very little bizarre about that.  (Although given my travel schedule, perhaps that would be somewhat exceptional.)  I’m talking about precisely the same block in Brentwood, CA.  Here’s how it happened.

Wednesday
I received an audition for a TV pilot.  My friend, Manish Goyal, a.k.a., Manish 1, is a producer/director/actor, all of which is relevant, but the last slash being particularly so – he’s an excellent acting coach.  How does the old saying go?  “Those who can, do.  Those who can’t, teach.  Those who can’t do either, coach.”  Something like that.  Well, he can – and he does – and he did.

I met him at his office, located at San Vicente and Wilshire.  We ran the scene myriad times, prepping me for my audition on Thursday.  Whilst leaving, instead of following my GPS to the nearest gas station as I was just about bone-dry, I circumvented it and made a right off of San Vicente, placing me on the 11800 block of Wilshire.

 

Isn't That a Woody Allen Quote?

Thursday
The night before, I get a text from a girl I went out with a few times in NY.  OK, so we met on the Indian dating site (Sorry – Indian matrimonial site… there’s no (truly approved) dating in our culture), Shaadi.com.  She’s the one who gave me a joke by calling it, “Shady.com.”

Anyway, after my audition, which went well, she flew in and I picked her up at LAX.  We were originally going to head back to my nabe, Studio City, but she was running behind so we had to do something on the West Side so I could drop her off at her friend’s.  I decided to take her to The Wilshire in Santa Monica.  However, due to construction, the exit to Wilshire West was closed, so we had to take Montana in Brentwood.  As I turned on Wilshire, I asked her if she’d rather just go to Cabo Cantina, which is quick and easy… like her.  Ha.  J/K.  We pulled in, valeted, and shared an enormous margarita and some apps.  I dropped her off at her friend’s and headed back to SC, clueless about what the day had meant.

That's Not Us But It Could Be

 

Friday
The day before, two more TV pilot auditions had come in so I rehearsed and went to bed.  I awoke on Friday morning and drove to Hollywood for the first one, which went decently well.  I then headed to Burbank for the second one, which went very well, mostly because the casting director was actually nice.

(I wish more people in the auditioning process were kinder.  They’d get better work out of us and it’d be less work for them.  But they make you feel so insecure that it’s much tougher than it needs to be.  Many have wondered whether that’s intentional.  “Maybe they’re preparing you for the set.”  But no.  Acting is easier than auditioning.  It’s actually kind of odd that I’m better at acting than auditioning.  I’m generally a very good BSer, meaning I can fake it for a bit.  I’m amazingly good at first dates but then get bored in the relationship.  I can rock an interview but then don’t really feel like doing the job.  This is the opposite.  So, they’re not really preparing us for anything.  It’s analogous to my high school, where they told us they were preparing us for the world by starting our first bell at 7:00 am, meaning we had to get up at 5:30 am.  Seriously?  I have never had a job in my life that necessitated my waking up that early.)

For a fortnight, my ex-girlfriend’s sister had been in-town.  Well, there are two now.  Not two sisters.  Two exes.  (“No elephant books.” – Fletch)  I dated a girl for most of 2011, so I’ve only been single for about six weeks now.  But mentally, I still refer to this other girl as my ex… or my “super-ex,” as my one-person show director, Molly, calls such an individual.  Yes, dating someone for nearly four years when your next longest relationship is one makes that girl your super-ex.  So, Super-Ex-Girlfriend’s Sister and I were to have lunch serendipitously, if not surreptitiously, in Burbank, as she had a meeting at NBC.  But then she dropped the news that the SEG herself was in-town.  This came as a bit of a shock, considering our last meeting was at least three years ago?  Four?  I can’t recall.  At any rate, we moved lunch to dinner and I drove down to meet them at the Viceroy hotel in Santa Monica.  It was amazingly fun to see them both.  I had made dinner reservations at Ma’Kai so we had sushi near the ocean – the most appropriate place to have sushi.  Well, perhaps besides in the ocean.  I then got a text from my friend Manish – Manish 2 – that he was going to Bruhaus in Brentwood, where Manish 1 has his office and residence.  Q’s, the bar adjacent to it, was more jumping so we went there instead and met up with my friends, SK and Monrok.  I’ll bet you can guess which bar is next to these.  That’s right – Cabo Cantina.

Since SEG was traveling for business, most of my night was… well, financed.  We had a riot there and then some of us followed it up with a late night bite at Swingers Deli.  Well, a late night sip.  I had water.  Maybe tea.  But not food – it’s how I maintain my womanly figure.  I took off in the middle of it all to go try to obtain my car, which made no sense since it was past closing time.  I cabbed it there, noticed it was closed, and cabbed it back.  $25 later, I ended up right back in the same spot at Swingers, sat down, didn’t eat, and headed out.  Oh, during that time, I texted Shady.com girl to see if she wanted to meet up.  She seemed down but was all the way up in the deep Valley.  I told her I’d come pick her up, which would’ve been quite the feat considering I had no car.  So… didn’t happen.

As such, SK dropped Monrok and me off at Monrok’s.  SK would’ve taken me straight home, considering we live 0.9 miles apart, but only Monrok could take me to get my car the next day.  So I got dropped off at Monrok’s, cried myself to sleep, and cashed for five hours.

Elephant Book

Saturday
The night before, as you recall, I left my car valeted at Q’s.  So, after rising at 9 am, Monrok and I went back to the 11800 block of Wilshire Blvd.  Sadly, the valet guys weren’t there.  Monrok goes, “You didn’t call to see if it was possible to pick up?”  No, I did and came, anyway.  Of course I didn’t call.  I’m a moron.  Actually, I think normally that’s the kind of thing I’m quite good at, but the idea slipped my mind.  She was wearing her PJs so she couldn’t hang with me.  I told her just to drop me off, even though it was noon and the valet guys wouldn’t be there till 4 pm.  It was a beautiful day – again – so I figured that, with a charged iPhone, I could just hang around and maybe walk down Wilshire or just post up at a coffee shop.  It’d be an adventure… always an adventure.

Then, my normal genius self returning, I remembered that I was supposed to have a call with this guy, Marc, who has hired me to host a series of brand summits, the first of which was in NY in the fall and the second of which I just did in Chicago and the next of which is in a week in NY.  He lives in Brentwood!  So, I called him up and he informed me that he was at the Starbucks ten minutes away.  Well, “a” Starbucks ten minutes away.  This is LA.  There are probably eight of them.

So, I hoofed it the ten short walkable minutes (When does that ever happen in LA?) to the Starbucks at Barrington and San Vicente.  We had a great meeting.  I left twice to get Cokes at the same gas station at which I filled up my car on Wednesday because I drink Coke only once a week as I’m insane.  Then Eric, my college friend who dwells in Silverlake, said he was looking for something to do since his girlfriend just headed back to Korea after ten months and he really needed to get out of the house.  He scooped me… we went to Q’s, next door to Bruhaus, next door to Cabo Cantina… shot pool… and played some shooting video game.  I walked over to the valet guys’ stand, got my car, dropped the actually small amount of $20 to get my car back, and drove home.

Just Kick It Like Cabo

What does this all mean?  I don’t know but I think the significance of it is perhaps the fact that my life is a microcosm of LA.  People say that, due to the weather, it’s difficult to measure the passage of time.  There are no thunderstorms or blizzards that often serve as memorial time markers.  It can feel like the same day over and over.  It also served as a reminder that my life is amazing.  During this series of coincidences, this 96-hour period contained three Hollywood auditions, a date, a rendezvous, a business meeting, and time very well spent with friends, both old and new.  Oh, I did leave one thing out.  Over one of the games of pool, Eric reminded me that Thursday was Groundhog Day.  Now that’s bizarre.

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February 1, 2012

India Videos

Creative title for this blog post, I realize.  Well, I wanted to get to the point.  Here’s the repository of all of our India videos… in one place. I list the title and description and then embed the video. Except for these two appearances we did for NDTV, which are apparently not embeddable:

http://www.ndtv.com/video/player/news/top-five-funny-things-about-india-by-i-make-chai-not-war-i/220441

http://www.ndtv.com/video/player/news/make-chai-not-war-stand-up-comics-challenge-political-correctness/220465

The first one is the State Department’s official take on our tour. The next couple are promotional videos the State Dept. had us record. The last one is an interview we did on a popular morning show with a lovely host.

MakeChaiNotWar.mov

“We are indeed sending an Indian-American comedy group. We are supporting a seven-city tour that they are making around India. They”re called Make Chai, Not War, and this is part of our regular global cultural exchange programme that we do around the world,” State Department spokesperson Victoria Nuland, told journalists at the U.S. State Department.

Make Chai Not War Promo

Rajiv Satyal, Azhar Usman and Hari Kondabolu bring Make Chai Not War, a stand-up comedy showcase, to India. They will be performing in Mumbai on January 18, 2012 at Y.B. Chavan Auditorium.

Make Chai Not War

Make Chai Not War comes to Kolkata

Video 1 – Making Chai Already

We made it to India! And on Day One, I found a Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf. Seriously, this is like coming across an In-N-Out Burger… Probably less likely here.

Video 2 – Indian Mario Kart

Somebody invent that.

Video 3 – Material

I can’t explain it.

Video 4 – 4 FAQs

Having just arrived in Chennai, the site of our first comedy show, I respond to four commonly asked questions, in this case by one of my all-time favorite news outlets. Sadly, an Indian clearly doesn’t know enough technology to shoot his hand in the frame so people will have to wait for me to display the actual hand map of India.

Video 5 – Gimme Shelter

We are so astounded to see our likenesses over a bus stop that we tape it – and ourselves. I crack yet another Indian pun.

Video 6 – Guns N’ Muslims

A Muslim. Guns. And not at all what you’d expect. I love Azhar Usman.

Video 7 – Does Patna Know the Pussycat Dolls?

We’re prepping for our show in Patna tomorrow night. We are way out in the sticks. And so we’re doing some pop culture research beforehand.

Video 8 – White Girl Speaking Hindi

Our State Dept. liaison, a white girl from Texas, speaks far better Hindi than Hari Kondabolu and me. Pwned.

Video 9 – Ganges

I finally have a quiet moment alone about 100 yards from the Ganges… as the crow flies.

Video 10 – White Girl Speaking Hindi Part II

Our State Dept. liaison, a white girl from Texas, speaks far better Hindi than Hari Kondabolu and I. Pwned.

Video 11 – A Series of Terrible Puns at the Airport

The three of us happen upon a cat and her kittens randomly posted up at the airport. Puns and jabs at an innocent kid ensue. Before you leave any negative comments, remember… “it was a video about kittens.”

Video 12 – Durgapur God Mic

Azhar Usman cracks up as he introduces me before the Durgapur show, with Hari Kondabolu egging him on.

Video 13 – Karachi Se Loag

Azhar grabs the mic at the end of our Durgapur show and goes to town.

Video 14 – Why the British Conquered the Planet

We exploit the British to ensure the sun doesn’t set – or rise – on us.

Video 15 – Ball So Hard

Rooftop of our Bombay hotel. Yeah, we deserve this. Heh.

Video 16 – Backstage @ Last Show

Dicking around before our Delhi show.

Video 17 – Last Day

I capture my immediate thoughts on the India trip right before catching my flight out of Bombay back to the States.

‘Make Chai Not War’ in TIMES NOW

Two popular Indian American stand-up comedians Rajiv Satyal and Hari Kondabolu is in India to promote their show “Make Chai Not War”. Both are in TIMES NOW’s ‘Morning Show’ as they tour India for better relations.

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January 31, 2012

… And Have 31 Things to Say About It

I’m back in the States and, as promised, here is the second of two blog posts about our 8-city tour thru India, sponsored by the US State Dept.  Yes, it expanded to eight instead of seven cities as we tacked on New Delhi in an unofficial capacity at the end of the tour.

I’m gonna try eventually to make an online scrapbook or at least pull all the videos and photos into one place but, as I was good about releasing content as I made it, I’m at least gonna drop this post now so as not to lose any of the feelings associated with the expedition.

I’m structuring this as:

  • 11 Observations about Ourselves as Comedians and People
  • 11 Observations about India
  • 4 Observations about the USA
  • 5 Observations about Our Tour

11 Observations about Ourselves as Comedians and People

  1. The most important thing that came out of the tour for me was the deep bond I forged with my fellow comics.  My former roommate, fellow comic, and good friend, Hasan Minhaj, made a compelling point when he said to me, ~“The TV credits and shows come and go.  What we really have is the relationships we build with each other in this game.”  Hari Kondabolu and I went from colleagues to great friends.  I don’t know what could be more important than making a friend.  The last night, in New Delhi, all three of us crashed in the same hotel room.  I had to bounce early and I don’t think I’ll forget the bear hug we gave each other as I left for the airport.  Azhar Usman and I were already great friends (clearly, as he didn’t even bother getting out of bed to say anything) but we became even closer.  We truly embody what Make Chai Not War is all about.  The message is for Hindus and Muslims (and everyone else) to coexist.  And we do.  We are remarkably similar.  We seem to agree on everything – except the final destination of our souls.  It reminds me of my friendship with Jon Langdon, a guy I’ve known since 5th grade.  He thinks I’m going to Hell.  Ha.  Well, he kinda does, since technically, I don’t accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior.  The point of this is that that should be the kind of thing that would tear any relationship apart.  But an issue, no matter how big it is, can only consume you if you choose to give it power.  Otherwise, live and let live.  We agree on movies and music and, above all else, we laugh at the same things.  And isn’t that what you have in common with all your friends?  You laugh at the same things.  That’s the power of laughter – it’s far more relevant than a lot of supposedly larger issues.
  2. Many people asked us as comedians if we wanted to be taken seriously.  To me, that’s the kiss of death for a comedian.  Of course, we want people to listen – and we have a lot to say.  But it’s also audacious to simultaneously want the world to think we’re funny and then to turn around and ask everyone to take us seriously.  Gee whiz.  The first one is hard enough.  Let’s focus on that.
  3. Our YouTube views are grossly inflated.  When I got to India, it reminded me that, because of the sheer number of people, we have a built-in audience.  I think we have to divide our YouTube views by ten.  I had a number of people say to me, “I’ve seen your YouTubes.”  That’s what they call YouTube Videos.  YouTubes.  Sounds a bit personal.  Where did you see my tubes?  Besides, I don’t have any tubes.  I’m a man.
  4. A Brand Manager at P&G, Andy Gibson, and I started a program called Funny ’Cause It’s True, in which we use standup comedians to help marketers generate insights for their brands.  We’ve run it several times, with my hosting each gig, and it’s our job to find what makes consumers and employees laugh.  (Interestingly, Azhar has served as our VP of Business Development.)  Now that I’ve performed all over the world and even conducted workshops in India to teach and learn about standup, I’d honestly have to believe I’m one of the foremost experts on the field of humor – far more than a mere humorist who writes and studies this.  As a standup, I actually have to DO it.  That’s kinda cool.
  5. I gave part of this response to several reporters when they asked us what our parents think of what we’re doing for careers:  In the States – and maybe even in India – everyone is on a track.  It’s very important that you get into med school and to do that you must graduate with honors from college and to do that you must be like valedictorian in your high school and to do that… you must take care to color in between the lines at age 3 in preschool.  Our parents, in their early 20s, left behind everything they knew and ventured to the other side of the planet to build a better life.  And when it comes to their children, they are amongst the most risk-averse in the world – we all should go to sure-shot schools and become doctors and engineers.  Yet what could possibly be riskier than what they did?  (Having said that, my kids – should I ever have them – are becoming doctors and engineers.)  Many in my generation – the second generation of immigrants – are proud of the fact that they are doctors and engineers.  That’s fine – there’s nothing wrong with pride.  (Actually, there is, but that’s beyond the scope of this post.)  But realize what you consider to be your accomplishments are largely your parents’.  They bought houses in the best neighborhoods, sent us to the best schools, made us study and not work hourly jobs, bought us cars, and instilled in us an amazing work ethic and adherence to the highest morals.  Before I became a full-time comedian, I worked in Brand Management at P&G, owned a house and a car, and had no debt.  And guess what.  That’s no surprise.  Had I NOT accomplished these things, it would have been rather pathetic.  But this – my leaping off the track and establishing a career in entertainment – is my own accomplishment.  I’m both proud of it and humbled by it.  The former because I took the initiative to grab the proverbial bull by the horns.  And the latter due to the fact that I would not where I am if it weren’t for those very same attributes that are a part of me because my parents reared me the way they did.  So, it’s still their doing.  I’ve just shifted the fulcrum somewhat so I can claim partial credit.  = )
  6. Similarly to the States, the smaller the town, the harder it is to kill.  My performance in Durgapur was much tougher than the one in Bombay.  The ease of the show is inversely proportional to the number of Zoom clicks on Google Maps.
  7. My biggest challenge was slowing down enough so that people whose first language is not English could not only understand what I was saying but also enjoy it – just like in Alabama.  Obviously, there’s a difference between comprehension and appreciation.  Speaking the language is only a component of it.  I get 80% of what people are saying in Hindi – enough that if you try to talk about me behind my back, you won’t be able to.  Moreover, being conversant is different from being able to manipulate Hindi or Punjabi or English as a tool to evince you’re funny.  If it were as simple as being proficient in a dialect, then I could hand my act over to you and you could deliver it.  It’s not just the words – it’s the inflection, the timing, and all the other intangibles that make a person funny.  So, I pulled it off, but it was tough for two reasons – first, the general and second, the specific.  It’s just hard to slow down without sounding condescending.  Kinda like how, when I’d talk to my 98-year-old Grampa on the phone, I’d have to raise my voice without seeming like I’m yelling.  Also, it’s particularly difficult for me,  because I have a naturally fast rhythm.  My brain moves much faster than my body.  So, I’m good at anything that requires quickness – like pingpong.  I suck at anything that requires slowness – ironing, polishing, or handwriting.  Luckily, I spent 2011 doing two things – slowing down onstage and doing a set of material instead of just cutting up and being self-deprecating or talking to the crowd.  Nowhere was this more evident than during my weekend at Gotham Comedy Club in NYC.   I felt the audience could see the writing but could still appreciate the brilliance coming from the man delivering it.  Ha.
  8. My Dad came with us, which was a lot of fun.  But it was also challenging because I think we’re all different with our Mom and/or Dad around.  Thomas Harris wrote a book in the 1970s called I’m OK/You’re OK.  He purported that each of us has an Adult, Parent, and a Child within us.  He tries to get you to think with the Adult, the rational part of your being.  The Parent is the voice in you that believes whatever your parents told you, even irrational things like the fact that you’ll catch pneumonia out in the rain.  The Child is the emotional part of you that cries and runs for shelter… “you wounded my Inner Child.”  Coming to think of it, I’m not sure how closely these are related to Self 1 and Self 2 from The Inner Game of Tennis but my guess is that Self 1 is the Parent that constantly berates Self 2, the Child.  And I’m not enough of a psychology maven to know the relation to the Id, Ego, and Superego.  But net/net, when I travel alone, I’m an Adult.  Having my Dad there turned me into a Child who whines and complains.  I have anger issues that would be scary if I were a normal-sized human being.  But because I’m fun-sized, I don’t really have a temper so much as I throw tantrums until I get my way.  Azhar and Hari did the best impression of me and I wish we’d taped it.  “No!  No!  I want to go first!”  Then one time when it didn’t go so well, “Hari, fix it!”  Hari killed.  “I wanna go on now!  Put me on!”  (I did much better.)  I’m a kid and I play the part immaculately well.  Or poorly, depending upon one’s perspective.  “No, Dad!  I don’t wanna go back to the hotel!  I wanna go out!”  That was an interesting balance – spending enough time with Pops but yet going out to hang with ladies after the show.  Azhar said, “Hey, he’ll understand.  If he didn’t do the same, you wouldn’t be here.”
  9. Perhaps the best illustration of my character came at the airport.  We were rushing to catch a domestic flight and barely, barely made it.  Here’s my reaction to the gate agent:  “Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, I cannot believe we made it.  Thank you SO MUCH for allowing us to board this flight.  I thought we were toast.  We would’ve lost thousands of dollars.  I am so, so grateful to the heavens, to God, to this airport, and you for allowing us to even be here.  Seriously, I’d sit on the wing just to be able to get there.  What an amazing stoke of luck.  THANK YOU.  Wait.   What is this – 6E?  Is this a middle seat?  Are you effing kidding me with this?  F*cking piece of sh*t airline.”
  10. Because we stayed at such nice places with tons of food, I put on some weight.  There’s something ironic about an American getting fat in India.
  11. This could be because I have Americanized tastebuds, having grown up in Ohio, but the Indian food in India isn’t any better than what I can get in the States.   I know a place down on Pioneer Blvd. in Orange County where I’d put their masala dosa up against any I found in Tamil Nadu or Andra Pradesh.

11 Observations about India

  1. India is shaped like a hand.  Stretch your left arm out in front of you and point your fingers down with your thumb to the right.  That’s India.  It works way better than the hand map of Michigan.  That doesn’t capture the Upper Peninsula.  I think I knew this tour was going to go well when, during our first show in Chennai, I asked if anyone was here from the States and a girl from Michigan was actually in the crowd.  That allowed me to set up this joke.  Amazing stroke of luck.
  2. India is free in a way the States isn’t.  This occurred to me when I saw a truck flying down the highway, carrying huge bales of hay and about ten people sitting atop said pile of hay.  That truck would make it about 50 yards in the US before being pulled over and cited for about 50 health and safety violations.  True, people live within inches of death on a daily basis in India, but at least they’re free.  Americans are amazingly isolated.  In India, the slums at times use a mansion as their fourth wall.  In America, if you have money, you can avoid seeing poverty if you so choose.  In Cincinnati, you can live in affluent Indian Hill, drive your Benz down I-71, park in a garage, work at P&G, and turn around and come home without seeing the ghetto, which is blocks away (and where my house is).  And due to technology such as iPhones and iPods and iPads that allow us to connect to the people with whom we want to connect, I’d submit that we’re using technology to further isolate ourselves.  No wonder those all start with an “I.”
  3. America is far less racist than most of the rest of the world.  (Maybe Canada is the exception – those folks are super-nice.)  Americans are very generous with our time, for example, in helping people who are new to this country with everything from directions to welcoming them into the fold.  We could never get away with some of the things that other countries pull.  In just about every single cab or auto-rickshaw, I was told a much higher price than the quote.  And it’s because I’m an American.  They try to take advantage of you in ways that folks in the States wouldn’t dream.  At the Taj Mahal, there are actually different prices for citizens and foreigners.  That’s nuts.  Granted, some of it harkens back to what I just mentioned above in #2 – that in the States, we have so many rules and regulations that it forces people to obey the law.  Sure, that’s the cynical point-of-view.  But realize that laws reflect the values of a society.  So, we can credit society or blame the lawyers.  And you know who the lawyers are.  The Jews.
  4. Kingfisher is a brand of airline and beer.  Not very confidence-inspiring when you’re 30,000 feet in the air.
  5. I understand, and even support, Occupy Wall Street.  But given the perspective of standing in India, you realize… the rest of the world is the 99%.
  6. We pulled over on the side of the road on our way back from Durgapur to Kolkata to get chai.  Whilst there, we decided to use the bathroom.  The women’s washroom was indoors and the men’s outdoors.  I can’t believe they even refer to it as a washroom.  Basically, you stand on cinder blocks and pee into a hole.  The “stalls” are separated by concrete walls barely three feet tall.  The best part?  The sign that reads, “Gentlemen.”  Yeah, you know, when I’ve got my dick out, pissing into a hole on the side of the road where everyone can see me… that’s when I feel like a gentleman.  I don’t think that sign is appropriate unless we’re peeing into a top hat.  I remember going into a Chinese restaurant in New York.  The sign on the bathroom read, “Man.”  I was dying laughing at these poor folks’ English.  “Man” and not “Men.”  Then I went inside and it was for use by only one person at a time.  So, “Man” is actually far more appropriate.  Damn the Chinese – they’re always right!
  7. India is alive in a way that the US isn’t.  Every city is just humming.  I can’t speak for the villages but there’s an energy that you can just feel.  That’s only true in very specific places in the States, like New York and parts of San Francisco, LA, Miami, Chicago, et al. – but only parts.
  8. Indians are connected to each other in ways that Americans aren’t.  Everything in the States is more formal and systemized.  Need directions?  Punch it into Google Maps, or God forbid, unfold an actual map.  In India, people actually still talk to each other.  Need directions?  “Drive down the road and make a right and then ask somebody there.”  OK, we’re here.  “Alright, make a left and then ask somebody there.”  Cool.  “Nice, now go straight and drive about 3 kilometers and then ask somebody there.”  You feel like Tarzan swinging on vines through the jungle.
  9. One night, we stayed in a hotel that was supposedly haunted.  (Indians are very superstitious.)  Before I went to bed, I prayed that I would be OK.  It was wild because God told me, “Don’t be ridiculous.  There’s no such thing as ghosts.”
  10. At all of our five-star hotels, the staff would salute us.  I have no idea what the correct response is.  I usually just say, “as you were” or “at ease” as a joke when people do it in the States.  But in this case, it’s just weird.  Do I salute back?  I mean, comedians refer to non-comedians as “civilians.”  Do you salute civilians?  I don’t know.
  11. Extending the military terminology, Indians love to post up.  (We use “post up” in the vernacular to describe just hanging out.)  You drive down the street and it’s just mad Desi peeps posted the hell up for hours on end.  What are they DOING?  Nothing.  Just posting up.  And staring.  Lots of staring.

4 Observations about the USA

  1.  Americans are isolated.  That’s well-established.  But are we ignorant?  I heard the best answer to this question at a cafe in Switzerland in 2008, whilst I was hosting a show for my alma mater company, P&G… as one does.  My contact replied, “Yes, Americans are ignorant but it’s not your fault.”  He went on to list three reasons:  a.)  You get two weeks of vacation.  You have no time to really travel anywhere.  b.)  Your country is so large and geographical sequestered that you can drive for 14 hours and still be in the same area of the country.  Europeans drive for 14 hours and they’ve covered half the continent.  And because of six weeks’ vacation time, everyone has been to most other nations as well as Cairo, Beirut, Bombay, et al.  And we have to speak multiple languages because the people three towns over do.  c.)  Let’s face it.  You’re the newsmakers.  You really do have so much going on over there that you don’t have to pay attention to the rest of the planet.  So, there you have it.  Americans are ignorant but it’s not our fault.  Love it.
  2. What did I miss about the USA?  Well, lots – it’s home.  I miss things about India… see above.  But I did miss the fact that America is largely flat when it comes to hierarchy.  Sure, there are legacies and there’s corruption and all that jazz, but it’s not a way of life like it is in many other nations.  I missed our acceptance.  And the pizza.
  3. Whilst we were strolling through a market in Kolkata, we happened upon this amazing little bookstore where we spent almost two hours.  I bought a book for my tailor… as one does.  He had told me about Sri Aurobindo, and since he was from Kolkata, I found a souvenir for him.  I also came across a book, Addicted to War.  I read half of it and want to buy it and finish it.  It has made me reconsider a lot of the conceptions I have about our country.  I was already fairly moderate but this might change my paradigm.  This reminds me of the scene in American History X when the white supremacist said to Ed Norton’s character:  “You made the fat kid a little nervous.  He thinks the joint messed with your mind.”  I’ll never forget Norton’s two-word response:  “It did.”  Having said that, while US foreign policy may be roundly criticized, realize that the Arab Spring came about due to inventions created in the USA… YouTube, Twitter, Google, Apple, Facebook… these are American innovations and the rest of the world can thank us (US) for ‘em.
  4. On a lighter note, I’m surprised Indians don’t grasp the fundamental concept of the American military’s approach to the world:  “Might Is Right.”  Do they pay any attention to their own roads?  A chicken moves out of the way of a goat which moves out of the way of a scooter which moves out of the way of an auto-rickshaw which moves out of the way of a car which moves out of the way of a bus…

5 Observations about Our Tour

  1.  We often received the question, “Why are you doing this tour?”  We want to make people laugh.  That’s our job.  My mission in life is “to make as many people laugh (and think) as I can.”  This was a manifestation of this.  Our goal isn’t to change people’s minds onstage or preach in any way.  I want to make people laugh while they’re there and think on the way home.  So, hopefully, we started or continued the conversation about life, war, peace, religious harmony, and coexistence.  And if not, I know we amused ’em.
  2. The State of Maharashtra (which contains Bombay) had initially asked for our scripts so it could approve our program.  That presented an issue before we left America.  First of all, comedians don’t really have scripts.  Second of all, even if we do, we resent sharing them because it implies that you don’t trust us to do a good job.  So, we came up with what we thought was an ingenious and fair compromise.  “We’ll send you links to our videos and you can have someone transcribe our words… and voila!  You’ll have scripts.”  The State Department’s response?  “We don’t have the people to pull this off.”  Really?  That was the excuse?  In India, they didn’t have the people?  Eight different people checked my passport when I landed in Bombay.  One guy didn’t even have a uniform or a stamp – just a queue of people.  He was just opening them, glancing at them, nodding his head, and handing them back to us.  What purpose did he serve?  Hire that guy to write out our jokes.  His job is a joke.
  3. We are the court jesters.  That was really the part we were playing.  The court jester was the one who would whisper messages of truth in the king’s ear with immunity.  Every comedian alive loves that role.  And we could convey the observations above to both India and America.
  4. The US State Department did not censor us at all.  This showcased the greatness of America – that it’s paying us to promote a good image abroad but won’t tell us what to say and what not to say.  That’s really walking the talk.  We evinced what true democracy was by dissenting and disagreeing.  And India gets it – it’s the world’s largest democracy.  I’m proud to say that I do the same act in New York, in Alabama, in Switzerland, in Oman, and in India.  I don’t change up my point-of-view.  I don’t “Dixie Chicks” it.  Hey, if you’re gonna criticize your country, do it at home, too.  And that’s what I’ll keep doing.  I love the USA but it’s a lot like family.  I love it but it ain’t perfect.  And I’ll say that loudly.  But if you’re not a citizen – watch it.  It ain’t 100%, but it’s mine.
  5. One of my favorite quotes is by an Anglican Bishop:

“When I was young and free and my imagination had no limits, I dreamed of changing the world.

As I grew older and wiser I discovered the world would not change –
So I shortened my sights somewhat and decided to change only my country, but it too seemed immovable.

As I grew into my twilight years, in one last desperate attempt, I settled for changing only my family, those closest to me, but alas, they would have none of it.

And now I realize as I lie on my deathbed, if I had only changed myself first, then by example I might have changed my family. From their inspiration and encouragement I would then have been able to better my country,

And who knows, I might have even changed the world.”

Once again, you can’t begin anything thinking you’re going to change the world.  But it’s a good way to end a blog post.

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January 12, 2012

3 Comedians Walk into a Bhar-at…

Talk about Homeland Security.  The State Dept. has sent three comedians to India on a goodwill tour (details).  Those three comedians are Azhar Usman, Hari Kondabolu, and me (Rajiv Satyal, although you probably guessed that, considering this is my blog).  It’s kind of cool that we’re repping the three largest cities in America – Chicago, New York, and Los Angeles, respectively (in order of comedians listed, not size or importance of cities – previously covered).

The official – and it’s official, considering it’s a State Dept. official who said it – reason is as follows:

“The reason we decided to support this tour is because, among the things that they are known for is their talk about religious tolerance, about the importance of breaking down prejudices and about the positive experiences they had growing up as Indian-Americans in the United States.  In addition to doing shows, they’ll also be holding audience discussions on these issues of religious tolerance, and doing workshops and having some interviews with the press.  I believe the full tour costs about a hundred thousand dollars.  The US Embassy in New Delhi is supporting them with a grant of about eighty-eight thousand dollars.”

Here’s the video:

http://youtu.be/7gkBc7R89TY

“What I need is a hundred thousand dollars.” – Corky, Waiting for Guffman

  • I am writing this halfway through the 7-city tour.  Well, not exactly halfway, as that would be smack in the middle of the 4th show.  But close enough.  I wanted to be sure to capture some thoughts as these trips tend to pass by as whirlwinds if we don’t make a concerted effort to stop and smell the roses.
  • I’m going to do this as a series of bullet points, as I find them easier to read than paragraphs, and despite the fact that bullets are often used in war.
  • What’s my stance on war?  I’d describe myself as antiwar at my core, at my most philosophical.  I think the fact that we still solve problems (or do we?) thru war in the year 2012 is perhaps man’s greatest failure.  As Gandhi said, “An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind.”  It leads nowhere.  Or to something worse.  Recall Einstein:  “I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”  Whoa.  Having said that, I understand that the US often has to go to war.  And I do believe in American exceptionalism (although WordPress doesn’t since it just red-lined that word) in the sense that, since we won World War II and the Cold War, to the victor go the spoils.  I just wish the US government would be more transparent about what it does – we support freedom and democracy but every now and then we prop up dictatorships and terrible leaders around the world to raid its resources for our own benefit.  And guess what.  So did every other superpower that has ever lived.  It’s a sad reality.  I’d still say, in the grand scheme of things, the US is a benevolent ruler.  Things would not be any better if we put the British or the Soviets back in-charge – and would likely be worse.  As I said in the Q&A session after our show in Hyderabad, “Whoever is #1 tends to dump #2 on the rest of the world.”
  • I make a distinction between the US and the USA.  To me, the latter represents Americans at our most ideal – supporting freedom and democracy and individualism and the journey of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.  The former is the entity that allows that to be true within the borders of the USA… and the means in which it does this may not necessarily align with the values of what America intended – and still claims – to be.  I do think things are getting better in that at least there is more awareness of how governments work (or don’t) – and hopefully with more power flowing to the people (Internet, Arab Spring, Occupy Wall Street, Tea Party, WikiLeaks), we can indeed improve as people.  It’s just that governments represent people and the one thing that seems to be consistent around the world is that people are essentially pieces of sh*t.
  • This tour is necessary.  The animosity against the US is palpable here in India.  And that’s sad, because India is an old ally of ours.  And it’s the world’s largest democracy.  And it’s reasonable.  Standup comedians speak the truth.  And for us to get up onstage and just tell it like it is must be refreshing for people.  Standup comedy is the last bastion of honesty in society.  And I am honored to be somebody who just lays it out there for what it’s worth.  True, the US does wage war around the world, but not all Americans are a-holes.  In fact, we are some of the most welcoming and generous people anywhere.  Are Americans racist?  Yes, but not as much as pretty much everyone else.  Except Canadians.  Those folks are super-nice.  Maybe a superpower can’t be super-nice?  I don’t know.  But we digress… The main point here is that Americans are good people and don’t always support everything our government does.  And even within that, the US government is not a monolith.  It employs different tactics to achieve its means.  Sometimes it’s bullets.  Sometimes it’s laughs.  Sometimes those bullets are necessary.  [Cue Jack Nicholson's speech in A Few Good Men.]  And it’s just good to be part of the initiative that involves laughs.
  • We’ve encountered very little of the sentiment that spending $100 K on comedy is a waste of taxpayer money – and that, too, only on the far right.  It’s ironic that those against Make Chai Not War likely belong to the Tea Party.  Obviously, it’s self-serving, but I believe it’s a great use of money.  First of all, it’s a drop in the bucket.  So any uproar is just a tempest in a pot of tea.  And connecting two nations via laughter is priceless.  If you don’t like it, maybe it’s not your cup of tea.
  • The amount of press we’ve received is surreal.  It’s been an honor to be featured on NPR and in The Wall Street Journal and in many, many local and national media in India.
  • How are we different from Russell Peters?  This has to be our favorite question.  I think Hari had the best answer when he replied to a reporter, “Well, I have a different brain.”  Love it.  We love Russell.  In fact, I once introduced him in Minneapolis as “the man who has introduced the idea of standup comedy to more people than anyone in history.”  Wow.  But yes, it’s possible to have more than one Indian comedian.  First of all, there’s a billion of us.  Second of all, when was one of anything enough?  Is there one Indian doctor?  One Indian lawyer?  One major Indian movie director?  Well, yes, in that case – and that’s enough.  No other minority seems to get this question… I doubt they asked Chris Rock, “But you know Bill Cosby already exists, right?”
  • Azhar Usman is an amazing human being.  We agree on everything except for the final destination of our souls.  But that’s not why he’s incredible.  He just has this energy that radiates everywhere he goes.  Everyone loves the guy.  And for good reason.  He has a huge heart, he’s always smiling and laughing, and he spreads joy to everybody.  He gives freely to beggars, knows volumes and volumes about world history and religion, speaks five languages, and can rap every Public Enemy song.  If it sounds like I’m in awe, it’s because I am.  I can’t believe he’s toured over thirty countries while supporting a wife and four boys.  Unreal.  Comedy has allowed me to meet special people like him and I’m eternally grateful for this.
  • Last night, we performed in Patna.  It’s in Bihar, which is sadly India’s poorest state.  The audience of 1000+ collectively did not speak much English at all.  And the fact that we went over well proves to me once again that 90% of communication is nonverbal – even a verbal medium like standup.  The crowd can sense our energy, see our smiles, and tell that we’re not mean-spirited but good-natured.
  • What’s my take on religion?  First off… To Each His Own.  And here’s why… I think the answer is that it’s the elephant and the blind men.  There’s a huge elephant (Is there another kind?) and four blind men are feeling it and describing it.  “It’s like a big wall.”  “No, it’s thick and tall.”  “No, it swings and is kind of wet on the end.”  “No, it swings but it’s furry at the end.”  They’re obviously feeling different parts of the elephant – they’re all 100% correct.  In Hyperspace, Michio Kaku purports that there are 24 dimensions.  So, in 4D world here, it looks like some people are wrong.  But in 24 dimensions, far more things are possible.  And I think it’s possible – and probable – that we’re all right.   Accept Jesus Christ and you really do go to heaven.  Believe in God and how He manifests himself in many forms and improve yourself to an acceptable point and you attain Nirvana.  Etc.  Etc.  (Azhar could give more examples.)  The most intellectually honest POV is agnosticism.  I don’t know.  You don’t know.  Nobody knows.  And we’re not gonna know.  But I get why people fight over it.  Why not?  It’s a big topic.  Humans fight by definition.  (Although my friend, Meena Dimian, disagrees that it’s our nature.)  And would it be better if we fought over something more trivial, like our favorite flavor of ice cream?  Hey, it’s like America.  Your status is measured by how much money you have.  Fine.  Better than the color of your skin or, well, your religion.
  • Does going to India give you material?  No, because it’s too difficult to explain to people how crossing the street is an accomplishment.  But then, somebody pointed out that I need to put on my Indian lenses and see it that way.  Great advice.  So that’s what I’m doing.
  • India is SO different from the US that it’s very difficult to explain.  One thing that stands out about Incredible India is how ALIVE it is.  Your really do see everything walking down the street… people, cows, monkeys, goats… The driving is insane.  You have 5 people on a scooter being cut off by a giant bus.  And that’s routine.  It’s amazing how close to death people live every single day of their lives.
  • Well, we just ordered room service.  Gotta love the juxtaposition.  (More on that in the next post.)  My masala dosa is getting cold.  I need to meet back up with Azhar and Hari now.  And my Dad is here, waiting to have chai with me.

Rajiv Satyal is half of the founding members of Make Chai Not War.  He is currently touring India, sponsored by the US State Dept.  He resides in Los Angeles.  In theory. 

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December 28, 2011

January 2012 India Tour Info

The US State Department is sponsoring Make Chai, Not War to go to India.  MCNW is a Hindu-Muslim Comedy Showcase, co-developed and -produced by Azhar Usman and me.  Hari Kondabolu is joining us.

 

3 Comics Walk into a Bhar-at...

We’ve been very fortunate to have gained some media coverage already.  The online Wall Street Journal did a piece.  I was also recently featured heavily in The Telegraph of Calcutta, specifically in a piece discussing the landscape of South Asian American standup comics.

Here’s one of our promotional posters… this’ll be the look/tone/feel for all of ‘em:

Poster for Patna (As Opposed to "Porno for Pyros")

 

Here’s our tour schedule:

  1. Thu, 5 Jan – 7:00 – 8:30 pm – Chennai, Tamil Nadu – Museum Theatre, Pantheon Road, Egmore
  2. Fri, 6 Jan – 7:00 – 8:30 pm – Bangalore, Karnataka – Vijayanagara Hall, Vivanta by Taj – M.G. Road
  3. Sat, 7 Jan – 7:00 – 8:30 pm – Hyderabad, Andhra Pradesh – Ravindra Bharathi, Opposite Legislative Assembly, Saifabad
  4. Wed, 11 Jan – 6:00 – 7:30 pm – Patna, Bihar – Rabindra Bhawan, Beerchand Patel Path
  5. Sat, 14 Jan – 6:30 – 8:00 pm – Kolkata, West Bengal – Kala Mandir, 48, Shakespeare Sarani
  6. Sun, 15 Jan – 5:00 – 6:30 pm – Durgapur, West Bengal – Srijoni Auditorium, City Centre
  7. Wed, 18 Jan – 8:00 – 9:30 pm – Mumbai, Maharashtra – Y.B. Chavan Center, Main Auditorium, Gen. Jagannath Bhosale Marg, Opp. Mantralaya

If you want to come to the shows, please email rajiv [at] funnyindian.com.  Place “Tickets for Show” in the subject.  I SHOULD be able to get you in.

Thanks for your support!

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December 26, 2011

2012 Goals

Whereas I have just written out my 2011 Accomplishments and,

Whereas I wrote a similar statement at the beginning of the year and,

Whereas it is important to bear in mind that things are unfolding as they are supposed to and,

Whereas it is further necessary to keep in view that some of these are not wholly within my sphere of control,

Therefore let it be resolved that these are my goals for 2012:

  1. Get at least one standup set on TV.
  2. Stage my one-person show.
  3. Book at least one theatrical (film/TV) role and one commercial job.
  4. Write and deliver at least five very good standup bits.
  5. Write at least 30 more minutes of standup.
  6. Top 2011 financially.
  7. Book at least two programs for Funny ‘Cause It’s True.
  8. Deliver 50 more episodes (weekly) for my podcast, increase the subscribers to over 1,000, and book at least two high-profile guests.
  9. Deliver 12 more monthly newsletters.
  10. Do at least two more feature weeks at major comedy clubs like Gotham and the Parlor.
  11. Get featured in at least two major publications.
  12. Record a new DVD.
  13. Get at least one blog post to go viral, even though “viral” went out-of-style like two years ago.
  14. Headline an LA-area comedy club.

At P&G, we used Start-Stop-Continue to figure out what we should, well, Start doing, Stop doing, and Continue doing.  The idea is that if you want 2012 to look different and have all these goals, then the time has to come from somewhere.  Here’s where.  Guess you could call it an extension of my F*ck It List.

STOP (I’ve either earned it, or… it isn’t working for me)

  • Doing gigs for too little dough
  • Blogging weekly
  • Recording weekly videos

 

Less travel and less online content should free up enough time to accomplish those 14 things.  Or at least 8 of them.  Which would match my percentages the last two years.

Happy New Year!

 

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December 19, 2011

New Year’s Leave

Happy New Year… soon!  I love New Year’s Eve.  Everyone gets a chance to get in on it because it’s nondenominational.  I in fact dislike people who don’t get into it.  Here’s something I’ve always wondered:  You know how you always have that one person at a New Year’s Eve party who keeps insisting the occasion is no big deal?  Well, then why is he at the party?

It doesn’t matter where in the world you are – if you’re in the first time zone, you get to say you’re first.  If you’re last, people are envious because you’re the last ones partying.  As Chris Farley once said, “everybody parks, everybody wins.”  For us partiers, New Year’s Eve is the one night where tomorrow doesn’t happen till next year.

And it’s fairly universal to do a “Ten… One” countdown in the waning moments of the outgoing year and and exclaim, “Happy New Year!” in the incoming one.  So, every year, we all start Happy and end as One.  There’s something universal about that.  And that’s the feeling on which I believe we should all focus.

I kind of wish it were also “non-demon-ational… a way for us to let our demons out with immunity.  Let me explain.  I’m always looking for a loophole somewhere for my New Year’s Resolutions.  I keep thinking there should be a free day in there somewhere between Dec 31 and Jan 1 that allows you to just do whatever it is you said you weren’t going to do or not do whatever it is you said you were going to do but that wouldn’t fall in either calendar year so you’re perfect in 2011 AND 2012.  Kind of like how you go on vacation and think, “Well, I won’t have more than 5 drinks… in the United States.”  So that the streak is perfect.  After much searching, I finally found said loophole.  I’ve been trying to eat healthier and save the environment in 2011 and so what I’m going to do is buy a bunch of junk food on Dec 31, 2011, so when I finally eat it in 2012, it’s not because I want to, but rather because I can’t let it all go to waste.  I mean, there are starving kids in India.

(That’s what we were always told so that we’d finish our vegetables.  I usually got out of eating them because I’d argue back, “Well, how will eating food HERE help them THERE?  Besides, if I eat it, isn’t there just less food in the world for anyone to eat?”  I think my parents just let me get up from the table because they were sick of me.)

Actually, at the beginning of the year, I made not a Bucket List but a F*ck It List – things I was throwing the towel in on.

And if you don’t get your resolutions going right away in 2012, this is the one good thing if the Chinese really do take over the world.  Their New Year isn’t till January 23.  I think I’m going to use that as my out.  It’s the Year of The Dragon again… and that’s my birth year.

Of course, the Indian New Year was technically during Diwali, so you’re already behind if you’re going by that.  Indians have become quite Westernized in our celebrations.  Some say too much.  I say just enough – we love to celebrate.  So, we can ring in the New Year twice.  We give gifts on Diwali and Christmas.  Heck, because of immigration recording reasons, my Mom even has two birthdays.  In that case, though, it works to her supreme disadvantage:  On October 2, we tell her, “We’ll take you out on October 29.”  When October 29 rolls around, we hit her with, “We got you on October 2, didn’t we?”

Well, didn’t the Mayans say it’s all over in 2012, anyway?  If this is indeed the last New Year’s Eve, let’s go out with a bang.  This will be the first one for which I won’t be in the States.  Normally, I have the option of doing a standup show on NYE.  And I love doing them – comedy can certainly bring everyone together, too.  But thanks to my upcoming 7-city Make Chai Not War tour in India, I’ll be in Bombay on Dec 31.  Out of the country… New Year’s Eve… and maybe the last year ever?  Yeah, I’ll have more than 5 drinks.

Not just one.

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December 7, 2011

My Best Blog Posts of 2011

Of course, not all of my blog posts are amazing.  In fact, many are not.  But these are the ones that stood out for me over the course of 2011.  I’ll place them in three categories:  general interest, current events, and personal.  And though some cover serious topics, I wrote in my natural voice, which is alternating between wit and philosophy – and when I get lucky – combining them.

  1. General Interest:  I’d say the first set is timeless.  These are blog posts I’d submit to another blog, be it comedy/humor or politics or whatever.  I feel they’re worthy of syndication.
  2. Current Events:  The next grouping is more timely.  I came up with stuff on the fly and posted it for the world to see.  Hopefully, they demonstrated my interest in the zeitgeist and some ability to capture it.
  3. Personal:  The final cluster contains entries that help you get to know me.

General Interest

Current Events

 Personal

  • Rajiv Answers His Own Questions:  #1 – “What are your 3 or 4 favorite comedy flicks?  What’s the scariest movie you’ve seen?  What’s a movie you haven’t seen that you think everybody else has?”
  • Rajiv Answers His Own Questions: #2 – “What kind of music do you like?  Which artist or album speaks to you?  What’s your ‘ish’?”
  • Rajiv Answers His Own Questions:  #3 – “What could you give up most easily – books, TV, music, or movies?”
  • The Answers – I provided my own responses to the questions asked during Talking Funny, the Ricky Gervais special on HBO, featuring Jerry Seinfeld, Chris Rock, and Louis CK.
  • What 35 Feels Like – I was a bit taken aback by my own age… and that’s not necessarily a bad thing.
  • F*ck It List – I provided a litany of things I wasn’t going to do in 2011… and I delivered.

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December 6, 2011

2011 Accomplishments

Because you can take the boy out of Corporate America but you can’t take Corporate America out of the boy, I still do a year-end business review.

On 3 Jan 2011, I did one for 2010 and laid out goals for 2011.

That same day, I wrote an overall statement for 2010:  “Achieved the feeling that I’m gonna be OK.  This closed out 8 years in the game for me.  Very cool things happen around Year 9 and Year 10 so, as long as I can keep playing for 2 years, I’m not gonna sweat what does or doesn’t come thru for 2011.  I have a career in entertainment and am grateful everyday for this.  I’m happy with my current lifestyle and can do this for a while still… dwelling in LA and traveling for shows.  I get to see my family often and have reconnected with friends from so many past lives.  Unbelievable.”

And I still feel that way.  Unbelievable.  I wanted to get a standup set on TV in 2011 but I also slacked pretty hard on making it happen.  Read on for what was accomplished in that realm and beyond…

These were my goals for 2011.  Just as last year, I’ll award myself a 0 for nothing accomplished, 0.5 for something significant accomplished, and a 1 for fully accomplished.

  1. Top 2010, financially.  1.  I haven’t done the final tally but I’m pretty sure 2011 is my most lucrative year.
  2. Perform one-person show.  0.5.  This has been so much more of an undertaking than I ever projected.  I did perform a reading and found another director and feel that 2012 is finally the year for it – after thinking I was gonna stage it in 2010.
  3. Create and distribute continuous online content… blog posts, pictures, videos, podcasts, newsletters, and more.  1.  I cannot believe that I actually did this.  I indeed dropped a blog post every Monday.  I released something new every Tuesday, be that a newsletter (monthly), picture, or joke.  I posted a movie quote every Wednesday on Facebook and had people guess ‘em, further establishing myself as “the king of the world” when it comes to film references.  I interviewed somebody and released a podcast every Thursday.  I dropped a video every Friday.  Whew.
  4. Land some high-profile and compelling guests for the podcast.  1.  I interviewed Comedian/Actor Kevin Nealon, UCB Co-Founder Matt Walsh, Comedian Godfrey, Whitney Lead Actor Chris D’Elia, Playwright Rajiv Joseph, Comedian Maz Jobrani, Actress Sheetal Sheth, Actress Reshma Shetty, and Comedian Sebastian Maniscalco.
  5. Perform and record live talk show.  0.  It’s simply too early to accomplish this.  I want to convert the podcast into both audio and video and use that for the talk show.
  6. Book acting gigs in TV/Film.  0.  I auditioned a fair amount but hopefully the law of averages will kick in for pilot season this winter/spring.
  7. Book standup gigs on TV.  0.  I did get the booker of Conan to like me.  That’s no small thing.  But I owe him a followup tape.
  8. Get a few blog posts to go viral, even though “viral” apparently went out of style in 2010.  0.5.  I did write several blog posts that I liked a lot and one that got a fair amount of attention.  Still, I am looking for syndication on a site like Cracked.com or HuffPo.
  9. Release more merchandise for store.  0.  I didn’t even try.  Nothing has sold but I’m glad it’s there – makes FI.com more of an enterprise.
  10. Land some programs for Funny ‘Cause It’s True 1.  We conducted a very successful program for a large CPG company in New York at Gotham Comedy Club.
  11. Continue building relationships with headliners, comedy clubs, corporations, and fans/friends online.   1.  I did 2 shows for P&G and 6 for GE.  I continued to work with Kevin Nealon.  Stayed in close touch with Russell Peters.  Sebastian Maniscalco took me to the Hollywood Improv and earned me “paid regular” status at Gotham Comedy Club.  I did two guest spots at the Parlor in Seattle and the booker wants me back.  I remained Tim Allen’s favorite host at Laugh Factory.  And UCB Co-Founder Matt Walsh got me to be a monologist at UCB.  Pretty cool.

As I stated last year… as the Les Brown quote goes, “Shoot for the moon and if you miss you will still be among the stars.”  And if you’ve seen my one-liners, you know I tear it apart by wondering whether he understands astronomy.

But the idea is a good one.  I think goals should just be slightly out of reach.  And out of the 11, I got a 6. 54% is a failing grade, but given that these are strategies to achieve the greater objective of “to make as many people laugh – and think – as I can” – and because I obtained that, 2011 was still a big success.  And it’s higher than last year’s 50%.

I’m proud to say that 2011 has been my best year ever.  Here’s the list of accomplishments:

  1. Maintained the feeling of well-being that I “earned” at the end of last year – I don’t think anything is more valuable than this as it’s the extension of my proudest (and most humble) accomplishment/blessing in life… the amazing relationships I have with my family and friends.
  2. Had my best financial year.
  3. Booked a 7-city tour in India, scheduled for next month, hosted by the US State Dept.
  4. Became a paid regular at Gotham Comedy Club in NY, featuring all wknd for Sebastian Maniscalco.
  5. Booked NACA Nationals.
  6. Conducted 4th Funny ‘Cause It’s True program for large CPG company in NY.
  7. Performed 75-min standup show in Muscat, Oman.
  8. Continued to build relationships w/ Kevin Nealon, Sebastian Maniscalco, Russell Peters, Tim Allen, and Matt Walsh.
  9. Interviewed some amazing guests on my podcast, including Comedians Kevin Nealon,  Godfrey, Chris D’Elia, Maz Jobrani, & Sebastian Maniscalco; Actors Matt Walsh, Sheetal Sheth, & Reshma Shetty, and Playwright Rajiv Joseph.
  10. Released continuous content all year – Blog Mondays, New Stuff Tuesdays, Quote Wednesdays, Podcast Thursdays, and Video Fridays.
  11. Featured for a weekend at Las Vegas Improv, booked personally by founder Budd Friedman.
  12. Performed standup for 90 minutes at Boston College.
  13. Got the booker at Conan interested in me… professionally, that is.
  14. Did a 5-hour reading of the one-person show in (obviously) draft form to a close-knit group of friends at my apartment and landed a great director to help bring it home.
  15. Got material featured on Pandora’s new comedy channel (without trying).
  16. Completed improv and sketch writing training at UCB.
  17. Developed and delivered thrice a 75-min presentation on Personal Branding.
  18. Featured on NPR and in GQ India and Telegraph.
  19. Increased fan base… numbers:  Facebook friends (from 4,128 to 4,765); FB Fan Page fans (from 774 to 1,123); Newsletter recipients (from undisclosed to undisclosed… so pretentious); YouTube subscribers (115 to 187); Twitter followers (from 1,354 to 1,846); and now have a Klout score of 54… whatever that means.

Last year, I had 20.  I’ve focused.

And the year isn’t over.  Boss.

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I’m Obsessed with Kyle Bass

My friend who has his own financial blog sent out a video featuring this genius investor, Kyle Bass. So, I’ve been Googling and YouTubing the heck out of this guy.

I’ve made no secret out of the fact that I, as a rule, detest investment bankers. I think they’re worse than useless, not only adding no value but actually subtracting it.

Well, Mr. Bass explains in plain English the debt problems of the world, focusing on Japan, Europe, and the US.

The last video is very long. But I took 5 big points out of it:

- We’ve been raised to believe that all things are cyclical. This time it’s secular (meaning a structural problem) and so things won’t just bounce back.

- All jobs created recently are either in government or in government-supported industries: education, health care, and defense.

- Debt – if you count all of it including Social Security, Medicaid/-Care, corporate, and household – is actually at 540% of GDP. And it’s worse than that… GDP isn’t really the denominator to use. It’s government revenue, which is 16% of GDP.

- Bass not only avoids getting political but generally doesn’t get passionate, either – he’s quite logical and calm. So, he doesn’t call out George W. Bush by name, but Medicare-D, which is the prescription drug bill, is actually $18 Trillion in the hole vs. the $16 T that Social Security is.

- It all comes crashing down in 18 months.

If you have a few minutes, watch this video:

If you have longer, watch this one:

If you have an hour – which I apparently did – watch this one… and if the link doesn’t work, you can try this one on the site: http://vimeo.com/18920437:

AmeriCatalyst 2010: Confessions of a Dangerous Mind – A Conversation with Kyle Bass from SYJackson on Vimeo.

Bass schools us well. Pun intended.

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November 29, 2011

Hundred-Dollar Idea

“Money can’t buy happiness but it can sure rent it.”  So goes the old saying.

Here’s a million-dollar idea – and possibly one They are already working on.

I don’t need to own anything any more.  I think most of us already regret our home purchases.  But to take it down to the entertainment level… I’d be very happy to not have any songs on my hard drive or movies on tape or even on my DVR.

I know subscription models have been tried before – Rhapsody vs. iTunes, for example.  And Netflix is sort of doing this in a way – you can stream an increasing number of titles.  And with YouTube, a lot of songs are available for listening/viewing.  Indeed, I like VOD (on-demand) way better than DVR… I just wish On-Demand had ANY FUNCTIONALITY WHATSOEVER.  It sucks.  So, fix that.

But how about a subscription model in which I pay a fixed amount per month to access – in my home, car, and office – every single TV show, song, movie, game, and book ever created?

How much would that be worth to you?

I say $150/month.

Somebody make it happen.

 

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November 21, 2011

RA-Lost

OK, so for all of you on Facebook who want me to quote more from Bollywood movies, this review’s for you.

I went to see RA-One a couple of weeks ago in Cincinnati.

Wish It Were "Gone"

I’m still not sure how to spell the title.  RA-One?  R.A.-One?  RA.  One?  RA-Won?  Well, who lost?  The ticket buyers.

I happen to enjoy Shahrukh Khan’s acting – hey, our initials are similar… SRK and RKS.

And I normally like the B-wood fillums, but this certainly was not one of them.  It was quite possibly the worst movie I’ve seen this millennium.  I found no redeeming qualities about it – except the fact that Priyanka was in it for a few minutes.

PC's the Mac

Not that the lead actress, Kareena Kapoor, is unattractive by any stretch.

KA-2

SRK’s acting somehow appeared more robot-like than a robot’s.  The only clever part was the fact that RA-One was a play-on-words referring to the evil demon, Ravana.  (It makes more sense if you’re South Asian and you also mix up your Vs and Ws in pronunciation thanks to the Devanagari-to-English translation.)

But they blew it.  The movie would’ve been a bit better had they revealed that pun towards the middle or end and not in the same scene in which the idea is introduced.

We opted for the 3-D version and, after 15 minutes, I was hoping the producers would pop out of the screen so we could slap them.

It is an outright embarrassment for India to claim this is the most expensive movie ever to come out of Bollywood.  I think we need to spend less money on $2 B homes and more on bringing movies up to, um, 1992 standards.

Slumdog Billionaire

The movie was sort of a T2 meets True Lies.  And it felt longer than both combined.

Granted, Terminator 2, on which RA-One is partially based, has that inimitable quality in that, even if you catch it on TBS on a Sunday afternoon in 2011, it still appears futuristic.  But I simply couldn’t believe how behind-the-times this effort felt.  My favorite parts had to be when sometimes they didn’t even show the special effects of how the characters’ faces changed – there was a sound and we assumed a metamorphosis had occurred.

And it’s not acceptable for any to claim that India is somehow on some kind of lesser footing than the USA.  Desi audiences consume more global content than just about any on the planet.  They are familiar with Hollywood movies and need to be provided with better fare than this.  Indians are much more sophisticated than the studios’ perception.

The only thing I learned is how silly Ravana looked with ten heads.  He’s so unsymmetrical with 5 heads to his right and 4 to the left.  That bothered me.

I'm Gonna Head Out

In this 3D sci-fi movie, I found myself wishing a time machine would’ve jumped out so we could’ve taken it back three hours and not bought our tickets.

Still More Advanced than RA-One

All I can say is that RA-Jiv hated it.

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November 14, 2011

Penn State Jokes (They’re Bad… & Why That’s Good)

Every Monday, I receive TIME‘s Top 10 stories.  Among them was an op/ed by one of my favorite comedians, Ricky Gervais, discussing the differences between American and British humo(u)r.

What we laugh at – and don’t – as a people helps define who we are.  Indeed, that’s the basis for my most successful consulting program, Funny ‘Cause It’s True.  OK, my only consulting program, but it’s still successful, so that’s alright to say, right?  Anyway, the idea is that we can gain insight into consumers’ hearts and minds based on what makes them laugh.

Gervais, as usual, does a masterful job of dichotomizing the differences across the pond. What I drew from it is that Americans are optimistic and Brits are pessimistic.  Again, as he writes, it’s “dangerous to generalize,” but cutting to the chase, that’s one of the key disparities.

Standup is society’s last bastion of honesty.  And in any community, it is our role to call people on their BS.  And as Jon Stewart pointed out years ago, if no other estate is going to do so, then maybe we should.

In America, you are innocent until proven guilty.  But I’m going to take the liberty of assuming that at least some of the folks implicated in the Jerry Sandusky Child Sexual Abuse Scandal have some blood on their hands, whether literal or figurative.  Beyond a reasonable doubt, already we can assume that there’s something there.  And that’s good enough for a comic.

  • Jerry Sandusky – for a defensive coach, you’re pretty offensive.
  • When PSU Coach Jerry Sandusky told everyone about his intense practice schedule, Brett Ratner said, “Rehearsing is for f*gs.”
  • Al Davis:  “Just win, baby.”  Jerry Sandusky:  “Just win babies.”
  • How about those Lions?  Those p*ssies were getting some d*ck.
  • Were all those 3rd down conversions to Catholicism?
  • Strange that the coach worked under a Paterno.  Guess he was a Father Figure.
  • Reached for comment about whether the boys were too young, Coach Sandusky replied, “Well, if there’s grass on the field…”
  • Guess those folks at Penn State were all… Lion.

IMHO, it’s OK to make these jokes because innocent people’s lives have been utterly destroyed by the actions of one and the inaction of many.  I mean, a grown man had oral and anal sex with little boys.  What could possibly be worse?  That makes me very angry.

And, by the way, this isn’t to impugn all people associated with PSU nor Catholicism.  Many of my best friends are Catholic and I appreciate their support.  But the coverup by the Church is deplorable.

And so the guilty at PSU deserve ridicule and, if you aren’t equally pissed off, frankly you’re on the wrong side of the argument.

But I don’t get to decide that in a vacuum.  (And that sucks.)  That’s the other beauty of standup:  the crowd will determine whether it’s funny – and acceptable.  The majority rules.  In this way, standup comedy is a beautiful reflection of democracy, the foundation of this country.

And, per Gervais, I’m not sorry for anything I wrote.  That is, until someone demands an apology.  After all, more than being American, I am human.

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