November 8, 2011

Why NY Rules & LA Sucks / Why LA Rules & NY Sucks

I’ve wanted to write this double-column for a while.  And I feel like I’m qualified to do so.  I have lived in Los Angeles for almost six years – in Marina del Rey (on the water), in Westwood (West Side), and in Studio City (the Valley).  I have visited New York over 200 times since the age of eight and have spent well over a year there in total, mostly splitting time between Manhattan and Brooklyn (though I’ve been to all five boroughs), sometimes for months on end, replete with a mailing address.  So, I’m going to write this in the first person for both entries.  And speaking of persons, the sections describing the people of both cities must come with a massive disclaimer:  any negatives may not necessarily be indicative of those indigenous to the region; after all, these are cities of transplants.  OK, now I can go about properly pissing everybody off.

Sections:

  • Overall Statement
  • People
  • Creativity
  • Food
  • Transportation
  • Cost
  • Climate

———-

Why NY Rules & LA Sucks (6 Reasons that NY > LA)

“If I got to choose a coast, I got to choose the East.” – Notorious B.I.G.

King of New York

Overall Statement:

New York City is the capital of the world.  Nobody summed it up better than John Lennon:  “If I’d lived in Roman times, I’d have lived in Rome.  Where else?  Today, America is the Roman Empire and New York is Rome itself.”  Done.  Look at it this way… if aliens land and only see one city on the planet, which is it?  New York City.  And as Frank Sinatra said, “If I can make it there, I’ll make it anywhere.”

Apple in Apple

1.  People

NY is a melting pot; LA is a salad bowl.  New York is where people from all over the globe come together to coexist.  There is a sense that we’re all in this together.   Why?  Two reasons:

  • In the ultimate irony, much of America despises Hollywood because there’s a sense that it’s too liberal.  Hollywood isn’t liberal – it’s conservative.  It type-casts people to reinforce stereotypes that will play in most of America.  And this energy reverberates across LA County.
  • New Yorkers are all in this together – we’re walking next to each other on the sidewalks; we’re all sharing a car on the subway.  In LA, the vast majority drives.  So, by definition, everyone who isn’t you is your competitor.  And when somebody cuts you off in traffic, you go for the lowest common denominator because it’s what you can see… “See?  Asians can’t drive!”  “Does that Mexican even have insurance?”  “Fat-ass!”

NY has so many smart and interesting people – folks who are actually doing things and not hoping ONE DAY to do things.  You hear a lot about how people in LA are false and superficial and and self-absorbed.  Because they are.  There’s just such a sense of desperation.  As comedian David Cross said, ~”They’re all gonna make it!”  Even the LA River is fake and shallow.  The only “real” you’ll experience is your loser friend waiter/actor’s reel.  (And yes, he’ll be too vapid to grasp the concept of a homonym.)  He’ll tell you, “I’m an actor.”  What he means is “auditioner.”  Seriously, now when people tell me they’re actors, I ask, “Really?  Which restaurant?”

It’s like we’ve thrown in the towel sometimes.  I saw a billboard not long ago that read, “That’s So LA.”  Have we given up on creativity?  Could we be any more Valley Girl than this?  “That’s So LA.”  Is this supposed to increase tourism?  Honestly, this is a half-step above, “OMG.  Justin Bieber Lives Here.”

New Yorkers get a bad rap for being rude.  We’re not rude – we’re in a hurry.  We have stuff to do.  (Remember?  We’re already doing things?)  We don’t have time to sit around and debate whether Ashton is a suitable replacement for Charlie.

Kutcher? I Don't Even Know Her

LA has no heart, no soul.  I remember the night that Barack Obama got elected.  My brother called me from St. Mark’s Place in Manhattan and said the police roped off thoroughfares so people could drink in the streets – there was so much joy that the authorities allowed people to break the rules to participate in arguably the biggest event in world history.  When I went out on Wilshire to a crowded bar, only one guy walked up to me and talked about what had just happened.  No groups intermingled.  There was no air of celebration.  The city is that self-absorbed.  “Well, I didn’t just get elected President, so what’s the big deal?” was the apparent thought bubble of every person in that lounge.

Finally, there’s just such a multitude of Los Angeleno douchebags that you want to punch in the face.

THIS GUY

2.  Creativity

Bust it.  As soon as you arrive in NY, you just feel this electricity in the air.  The City has an energy that permeates everything and everyone.  Maybe it’s the number of live performances – Broadway… the Met… is there any doubt it’s the Mecca of standup?  (I don’t want to dig on London, which has a strong scene, as well.)  LA can’t even hold onto a football team.  It had TWO.  And now has ZERO.

Maybe LA’s creativity lies in its powers of imagination.  Or at least exaggeration.  What’s so miraculous about Miracle Mile?  Maybe the fact that there are actually museums and centers of learning for these fools?  Oh, and everything in LA has to be World-Famous.  When I’m over in Calcutta in January, I’m going to ask ‘em if they’ve heard of Tommy’s Hamburgers.  If not, take that stupid sign down.

Didn't He Used to Work on the Docks?

3.  Food

NY has the greatest number of great restaurants.  But beyond that, food is everywhere.  It’s fast.  And available – dining establishments that are open 24/7 and fruit within an arm’s reach.  And affordable.  And eclectic – Indian, Chinese, Irish, you name it.

Out in Cali, In-N-Out is good – no doubt.  But it closes at 1:30 on the weekends.  That’s too early for a late night snack, given that the bars let out at 2 am.  What else?  Hamburger Habit?  Do we really need to call out the habitual nature of the penchant one might have for burgers?  What are they going to open next door?  A liquor store called The 12 Steps?

Burger? I Don't Even Know Her

4.  Transportation

The City of Angels is a devilish place to drive.  A lot of it was due to a concerted, behind-the-scenes effort to kill public transportation and keep auto sales high.  (Yes, it took me a long time to figure out that Who Framed Roger Rabbit? had a devious theme and I was able to gain the point-of-view of the Rabbit’s voice himself – Charles Fleischer – when I interviewed him on my podcast.)

Cloverleaf

LA is horizontal; NY is vertical.  Getting around NY is so easy.  It’s one of the only subway systems in the world that runs all day and all night.  It’s boss.  And cabs are probably 40% of the vehicular traffic.  (I’ve never actually seen “vehicular” without “manslaughter” after it.  Hmm.  That’s funny.  About as funny as man’s laughter.)  Everything in The City is close together.  The island of Manhattan is only 7 mi x 2 mi.  When it comes to neighborhoods, NY is an album; LA is a collection of songs.  Dorothy Parker summed it up:  “LA is 72 suburbs in search of a city.”  No matter how cool a spot is, it sounds quaint.  “Yo, you been to H-Wood yet?”  “No, where is it?”  “Behind Matt’s house.”

LA is so spread out.  It’s Hell-A.  You gotta drive everywhere.  It took me six months before I even realized there was a subway.  Nobody takes it.  And Crash pointed out that only poor people take the bus.  That’s mean.  (It’s also true.)  So, it’s really hard to have a great night out when you know you have to stay sober or sober up (OK, sober up) at the end of the night… which comes way too early.  Bars can’t serve past 1:30 am in California, so just about everywhere closes at 2 am.  That blows.

Of course, it depends upon your perspective, but assuming you’re from “back East,” as everyone in LA seems to be, Los Angeles is just far.  There’s a sense that you’re “out here” when you’re in LA.

5.  Cost

Yes, NYC is more expensive than LA.  Maybe that’s because more people want to live here.  Supply and demand, bud.

6.  Climate

No doubt LA has better weather.  Can’t argue that one.  But people get tired of the lack of seasons.  Here are two things few people tell you:

  • LA does get cold.  Because it’s a desert, there’s very little humidity.  Humidity sucks when it’s sweltering out back East.  But at night, it’s like a warm, wet blanket.
  • You have as little concept of the years passing in LA as you do the hours passing in Las Vegas.  Vegas, it’s because of the dearth of clocks.  LA, everyday is almost the same so everything just seems to run together.  Dr. Dre said it:  “I love LA, because over and above all, it’s just another day.”

NY has beaches, too – and the Atlantic’s water is actually tolerable, not like that freezing Pacific.  And don’t forget that awful smog in LA.  Oh, and it doesn’t matter.  Everyone knows the Big One is coming… a massive earthquake is going to wipe that city out, anyway.

Kramer in Seinfeld nailed it in The Trip (Part II) when he ventures (Ventura-s?) out to LA:  “What do you want me to say?  That things haven’t worked out the way that I planned?  That I’m struggling, barely able to keep my head above water?  That LA is a cold place even in the middle of the summer?  That it’s a lonely place even when you’re stuck in traffic on the Hollywood Freeway?  That I’m no better than a screenwriter driving a cab, a starlet turning tricks, a producer in a house he can’t afford? Is that what you want me to say?”

Yes, especially after your Waterloo, which happened in LA.  Should’ve stuck to New York.

———-

 

Why LA Rules & NY Sucks (6 Reasons that LA > NY)

“The West is the best.” – Louis L’Amour

Overall Statement:

Los Angeles is the ultimate embodiment of Manifest Destiny.  The work/life balance is amazing; it just feels like a permanent vacation.  Life is easy; life is fun.  Once you’re here, you’ve made it.

1.  People

NY has plenty of interesting and smart people – no debate there.  And yes, the folks here can be pretentious.  I’ve often said that Democrats are dumb and Republicans are mean.  The same could be said for the LA/NY dichotomy.  Maybe Los Angelenos ain’t that bright, but they’re also not that rude.  I remember the first time I had an inkling of feeling like a New Yorker.  I arrived in that huge city and was asking everyone for directions like a tourist – because that’s what I was.  But then, one day, somebody asked me and I knew the answer and helped that guy out and felt so good.  But the day I truly felt like a New Yorker was the next time somebody asked me for directions and I told him to go to hell.  (In all honesty, I also think New Yorkers get a bad rap for supposed rudeness.  I find them quite nice.  But then, to be fair, Angelenos aren’t as stupid as we’re painted to be.)

People knock LA folks for chasing celebrity.  They do, but let’s face it – social currency in each locale varies.  In LA, it’s about the fame; in NY, it’s about the money.  And money drives many of the decisions people make in NY.  There is a sense that people are almost single-handedly chasing the mighty dollar back East.  Everyone you meet in LA seems to be working in Entertainment.  (Although people forget the largest manufacturing base is actually not in the Midwest but rather right here in LA.)  Everyone you meet in NY seems to be zero or, at most, one degree away from Finance.  And investment bankers are the greediest bastards on earth.  The concentration of douchebags per office square foot is astounding.  They love to brag about how industrious they are.  Then again, so are models.  These sentences have two different meanings:  In NY, people get a lot of work done.  In LA, people get a lot of work done.

IN DEFENSE OF MODELS:  However, everyone seems intent on knocking models and actors for all the nose jobs, boob jobs, and Botox.  But remember that the reason they stay thin and work so hard to look young is because the fashion industry and beauty industry (based in NY) print magazine covers and sell ads that promote attractiveness and thinness.  Hey, I don’t want to watch an aging Harrison Ford or Meryl Streep either.  Trust me – these folks stay as young as everyone wants them to look.  Models aren’t puking their guts out to stay ten pounds skinnier than they need to be.  Don’t blame LA culture.  We should all blame ourselves.  That’s what’s up.

Contrary to East Coasters’ belief, we do have good conversations in LA.  Hey, we eliminate that go-to topic for small talk – the weather.  What is there to discuss?  “So… it’s 75 and sunny again.”  “Yep.”  In NY, it’s hard to go more than a few days without hearing New Yorkers talk about how legit New York is.  They act like they built the place.  They’re worse than Texans.  Indeed, the main strike against LA seems to be that Angelenos won’t shut up, either – about how much LA sucks.  Hey, if you’d stop talking about that, maybe it wouldn’t suck so bad.  Just keep saying “good stuff” and “right on.”  Ever notice how those are the go-to phrases out here?

Above all else, all you really need – especially as you age – is a handful of good friends.  LA is the second largest city in the country.  You’re telling me you can’t find five solid people with whom to build a relationship?  In fact, I always joke that I came to LA to find the coolest people from the Midwest.  Most of my best friends are from Ohio, Michigan, Indiana, et al.  People with the same values as I – grounded but adventurous.  If you can’t find happiness in sunny LA, you may just not be capable of happiness.

2.  Creativity

Hey, Broadway, don’t look now, but more live theatrical productions open in LA than in NY.  Sure, we don’t have a football team – OK.  But maybe we’re focused on trying to make something of ourselves instead of watching people who already have.  The Yankees consistently have the highest payroll in baseball.  So, they should win every year.  But they don’t.  (Although in fairness I suppose I should knock the Lakers for this, too.)

I Bet She Goes Out with One of the Yankees

And everyone can knock Hollywood for churning out crap, but the reality is that ours may be the only industry left in this economy that is exporting things Made in America that the rest of the world actually wants.

Little Pink Houses

3.  Food

Hold it right there.  LA has the best food in the world.  And I can hear the collective gasp of you NYers.  My Uncle has a theory and I agree wholeheartedly with it.  Here are the three reasons why:

  • Melting Pot:  Yeah, yeah, yeah.  I heard your argument about how NY is a melting pot.  And I’ll see your analogy.  LA is uniquely located in a spot that represents the convergence of three distinct cultures.  We have the European influence of the settlers who moved West.  We have the Asian flavor from the Pacific Rim, which is just west of our state, a.k.a., according to the Red Hot Chili Peppers, “the edge of the world and all of Western civilization.”  And finally, we are a mere two hours from Mexico and all of its Latin spice.  This juxtaposition allows for a wider palette from which to choose for cooking.
  • Salad Bowl:  I’ll see your analogy and raise you.  Our ingredients are fresher than yours.  We don’t have to ship anything – myriad restaurants buy local from farmers’ markets.
  • Culture:  Californians have a sense of adventure and that is reflected in everything from our architecture to our clothing to our cuisine.

Bam!

LA-Gasse

We’re just healthier.  Sure, we have our cults and Scientology and various strains of craziness, but we do find ways to enrich not just our bodies but our souls, as well.  LA is a place you can find yourself.  We’re forward-thinking when it comes to the environment.  We’re progressive.  (OK, so New York legalized gay marriage but Iowa took us both on that one.)  We do yoga.  (OK, so I do like two poses every morning.  But still.)  You can self-actualize here, far from the noise and the haste and the madding crowd.

Self-Realization Fellowship

4.  Transportation

We have the best cars in the world for three reasons:

  • Yes, we spend our lives in our cars.  So, it makes sense that we would drop more on where we actually are.
  • The weather allows us to not have to worry about winterizing, salt, the potholes caused by said salt, etc.
  • We’re judgmental.

The LA formula really boils down to this:  you trade traffic for weather.  Our traffic is horrendous.  But it’s awful in NY, too.  And in LA, we’re on our phones and/or have the radio on, “crazy tunes hangin’ out the window” – oh, and our windows down.  At least we’re somewhat experiencing the outdoors.

Admit it, NY.  Public transportation – for all its convenience – sucks.  Cruising down the 405, even at 5 mph, beats the heck out of sitting next to homeless people on the train.  Everything in NY is epic because of the lack of a car.  Grocery shopping is an adventure – and not the good kind.  The bodegas are crowded and cramped.  There is no room.  And how do you get your groceries home?  The last time we were at Target in Brooklyn, we hired a car for $10 (plus tip, of course).  Then unload.  Then trudge upstairs.  Or take the elevator.  Oh, wait – it’s always broken.  Load your provisions in your tiny fridge or in cabinets.  Don’t forget you had to buy the small portions of everything, so your bill is literally triple what it is at Trader Joe’s in Studio City.

Cabs are easy?  Last month, we waited 40 minutes for a cab on the Lower East Side.  Didn’t catch one.  Had to grab the subway.  Except the A train is running on the F line to Jay/Metrotech… and does the G train even exist?  It comes around about as often as Haley’s Comet.

And don’t gimme that crap that people live close together so it’s easier to meet up.  My friends who are throwin’ it down in Meatpacking never want to come meet me in the LES, let alone – God forbid – cross the Brooklyn Bridge.  People stay in their locales.  They are creatures of habit just like we are (even without the burgers).

I Bet Nuns Love It

Yes, our Cali bars shut at 2 am.  But that’s because we value actually getting up the next day sans hangover and going hiking or surfing.  Our entire social lives don’t depend on drinking.  I will concede that in NY (or Chicago), you can wander into a bar and it’ll be fun.  In LA, you need a tour guide.  But once you have this, it’s a riot.  And no, that’s not a callback to 1992.

As far as LA being far… a friend of mine put it in good perspective.  Yes, it would cost you an arm and a leg, but if you really had to, you can hop a flight and be home the same night or the next morning.

In NY, if you drive and drive, you head into exciting, exotic places like New Jersey and Connecticut and Upstate New York.  We’re 6 hours to Vegas; 6 hours to Phoenix; 2 hours to Mexico.  And we have the Cali coastline… The United States without California is like India without Punjabis.  It’s like “Harold Melvin without the Blue Notes.”  Snoop Dogg, Snoop Dogg…

LBC'in Ya

5.  Cost

It is way, way more economical to dwell in LA.  My friend pays $1500 for a Brooklyn studio.  I have a 3BR, 2BA, with cathedral ceilings, balcony, parking spot, and a 15-minute drive to Hollywood/W. Hollywood for a hundred dollars more.  Game.  Time.

6.  Climate

“It’s the economy, stupid.”  I suppose we could simply state the same for LA.  I mean, it IS the weather.  And so what?  Is there anything that affects our day-to-day lives more?  It’s like music.  It changes the entire tone of any setting.  It just puts everybody in such a good mood in Southern California.  The weather in all parts of the contiguous US that aren’t the Southwest pretty much blows if it’s not May, June, or September.  In all other months, you’re either dying of the cold or the heat.  You’ve got the beach in NY?  Yeah, if you want to spend half your day getting there and back.  The beaches are cold in LA?  You can very much take a full dip in the water in the middle of summer.  And you’re two hours from the ocean, desert, and mountains.  Year-round, you could golf in the am and hike in the pm.  A New Yorker friend of mine originally hailing (speaking of weather) from Ohio made the great point that in NY you truly experience the elements.  In the rest of the nation, if you’ve got enough dough, you go from your heated home to your heated garage to your remote-start heated car to your heated place-of-work.  In NY, you really feel the cold.

LA is cleaner than NY.  The latter is synonymous with piles of garbage in the streets.  You read that correctly.  There are literally piles of garbage in the streets.  And they reek.

We can rock just about any kind of clothing and go to just about any establishment.  Spots with dress codes are few and far between.  I suppose it’s because so many people are “somebody”s that they don’t want to turn away a star.

Smog?  Nobody talks about it.  It’s a non-factor.  Even when it’s there, we have visibility of two miles instead of five.  Like you have any in NY… even the chorus of “Empire State of Mind” admits it’s a “concrete jungle.”  When you can look straight for yards at a stretch, chances are you are in a wind tunnel.

And yes, the Big One is coming – earthquakes are a way of life out here.  But that’s sometime in the next 50 years.  This only serves to keep the non-adventurous out of California.  As far as the lack of seasons… gee whiz.  We are really scraping the bottom of the complaint barrel here.  It’s always the same?  This explains why God created pain & suffering.  Because constant joy must obviously bore people – yeah, I’m really getting sick of 75 and sunny – it’s a real drag.  Can’t you just throw in a tornado every now and then?  I mean, I moved here in May 2006 and it didn’t rain until December.  It’s a desert.  It was between 70 and 90 every afternoon sans a cloud in the sky.  No humidity.  Basically the perfect day ad infinitum.  Do I miss the seasons?  Oh, yeah – so much.  I miss getting bronchitis in the fall, shoveling snow in the winter, and those lovely spring days when it’s 30 in the morning and 80 in the afternoon so you look like a douche rolling around in a sweater at 2 pm.  People complaining about the lack of variety is the height (depth?) of being spoiled.  Why would you get tired of the best everyday? It’d be like bitching about the bitches (I only did that for effect) at these Hollywood parties.  Yeah, I get sick of these perfect breasts and asses.  Can’t I get a saggy disheveled tramp every now and then?  Ridic.

Here’s the thing:  NY can’t change its weather.  Once LA finally gets public transportation right – and it will – the city will drastically improve.

Kramer did say that paragraph above.  But he also said to Jerry in The Finale:  “Jerry, it’s LA.  Nobody leaves.”

And that’s true.  You never see any Dodgers hats in NY… maybe it’s the whole Brooklyn thing.

Bummer

But you see a plethora of Yankees hats in LA.  However, if we’re throwing out pop cultural references, I can just hit you with that Onion article.

Although They Get LA in the Last Line

Frank’s right.  (As opposed to Frank White.)  If you can make it there, you can make it anywhere.  But once you’ve made it to LA, you’ve made it.

I'M the King of New York

———-

So, what’s the answer?  I don’t know.  NY for people but LA for place?  Hmm.  Remember Everybody’s Free to Wear Sunscreen?  “Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live ?in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.”  I’d say… Live in NY in your 20s.  Live in LA in your 30s.

The one thing that unites us is our contempt for flyover country, a.k.a., the rest of the nation.  We can bond over the fact that at least we don’t live there, right?  But maybe I could meet somewhere in the middle.  Should I just go back to Ohio?

Guess it depends upon my career path.  NY is standup; LA is acting.  In other words… in New York, I can be myself.  In Los Angeles, I can be somebody.  I just might have to be somebody else.

Rajiv Satyal is a standup comic who is trying to decide whether to stay in LA or move to NY… in his 30s.  And who alternates writing about himself in the first and third person, so the standup/acting dilemma remains elusive.

11 Comments
November 3, 2011

The World According to Americans

A friend sent this to me.  = )

 

Leave a comment
November 1, 2011

Song of the Decade

I had dinner with my friend, Raman, the other night, telling him that I was trying to assemble a Song of the Decade list.  He told me that it was internally flawed because it’s much too difficult to select one song for ten years and that I was better off attempting to choose a song for a year or album for a decade.  Interesting, but I remained undeterred.  I think it’s possible.  The most recent decade was the most elusive for me.  That’s appropriate, given that there was never even any consensus on what the decade was even called.

Were the ’00s the Zeroes?  The Double-Zeroes?  The Naughts?  The Aughts?  I just called them “today,” based on mix stations’ telling us they were playing “the best of the ’80s, ’90s, and today.”

Here goes…

  • 1950s:  “Rock Around The Clock” by Bill Haley & His Comets
  • 1960s:  “Revolution” by The Beatles
  • 1970s:  “Stairway to Heaven” by Led Zeppelin
  • 1980s:  “Billie Jean” by Michael Jackson (Runner-Up:  “Material Girl” by Madonna)
  • 1990s:  “Mo Money Mo Problems” by Notorious B.I.G. feat. Puff Daddy and Ma$e
  • 2000s:  “Hey Ya!” by Outkast

The way I always try to think of topics like this is explaining things to cavemen or aliens.  If aliens landed and they asked us to tell us what a time period was like, I’d turn on those songs.

Another approach is to consider the biggest trends to occur.  In the ’50s, no doubt it was the birth of rock ‘n roll.  The Haley track is widely regarded to be the first song of this era.  As John Lennon said, “Before Elvis, there was nothing.”  Well, before 1955, rock simply was not.

The ’60s were marked by upheaval, riots, and counterculture.  Lennon wrote “Revolution” in response to “what’s going on” – if I may allude to the Marvin Gaye song by employing the erroneous tense.  The Rolling Stones penned “Street Fighting Man.” Both bands were huge but Beatlemania was no doubt the music story of the decade.  Their first Ed Sullivan appearance in February 1964 happened only three months after the first Kennedy assassination – and America needed the boost.

The ’70s went in several directions, including the birth of punk and funk and the meteoric rise and subsequent plunge of disco.  But it was dominated by classic rock bands.  No one was larger than Zep.  And likely no ballad will ever top that one.  “Stairway” also placed Zep fans in the paradoxical position of admitting it’s the best song of all time but not Zeppelin’s best song.

1980 was a pivotal year for America for myriad reasons.  And this is truly when it seemed that genres of music were sprouting up everywhere.  Classic rock continued, but gave way to modern rock (“alternative”) with the advent of groups such as R.E.M., U2, Depeche Mode, and The Cure.  Hip-hop was dawning.  Synth pop was rising in popularity.  Though its roots dated back to the late ’60s and its moniker derived from Steppenwolf’s “Born to Be Wild” and its lyric, “heavy metal thunder,” heavy metal took off.  It was “Morning in America,” according to President Ronald Reagan, in a decade marked by hope, optimism, and most of all excess.  “Material Girl” by Madonna encapsulated this mood.  But the crown must go to the self-declared King of Pop.  Arguably the greatest dance song ever, “Billie Jean” is Michael Jackson’s best.  And pop music in its current form had not existed until MJ.

I know that most critics would say “Smells Like Teen Spirit” is the definitive song of the 1990s.  The reason I am selecting the rap track is two-fold:

  1. Grunge was huge.  But Biggie was correct in stating, “You never thought hip-hop would take it this far.”  I remember arguing with my friend, John, in high school about whether rap was a fad.  He used to liken it to disco, predicting it would pass.  And I feared it might.  But as it turned out, hip-hop was the dominant force in the last decade of the millennium.
  2. “Spirit” is too pessimistic to describe the ’90s.  They mirrored the Eisenhower ’50s – “peace, progress, and prosperity.”  These were good times.  And while “Mo Money” celebrated this, it also cautioned what happens when you have too much – almost a harbinger of sorts (not to be confused with “Harvester of Sorrow.” -that was the ’80s.)

When it came to picking one for this last decade, I drew a blank until I recalled that I myself had said a long time ago that it was probably “Hey Ya!” by Outkast.  And lo and behold, a Google search directed me to a post on a site called Starpulse.  (I actually liked its definition of greatness enough to comment on my own blog post about Defining Greatness.)

Its justifications for its top ten were solid.  And even if you disagree with the order, it’s likely that one of these is the answer.  (The only one I’d say they’re missing is “In da Club” by 50 Cent.  That was a gargantuan hit.)  And I’m listing them counting UP for two reasons:

  1. It’s neater and cleaner for me to make a list on my blog this way.
  2. The decade ended two years ago.  I don’t need to treat this with suspense.

So, here’s Starpulse’s list:

  1. “Hey Ya!” by Outkast
  2. “Rehab” by Amy Winehouse
  3. “Lose Yourself” by Eminem
  4. “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” by Green Day
  5. “SexyBack” by Justin Timberlake
  6. “Umbrella” by Rihanna feat. Jay-Z
  7. “Crazy in Love” by Beyonce feat. Jay-Z
  8. “Ms. Jackson” by Outkast
  9. “Not Ready to Make Nice” by The Dixie Chicks
  10. “Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)” by Beyonce

That reminded me of my original statement.  I’d put “SexyBack” third and “Lose Yourself” second.  But “Hey Ya!” wins.  And if that list was too poppy for you, remember it is referred to as “Pop Culture.”

Guess if I had gone with “Ms. Jackson,” it would’ve been “Mom Culture.”

1 Comment
October 21, 2011

The Funny Indian Show Podcast Episode 1

Enjoy my interview with NY-based actress, Neelu Sodhi.

http://dl.dropbox.com/u/934192/Podcasts/1%20-%20The%20Funny%20Indian%20Show%20Podcast%20-.mp3

Leave a comment
October 18, 2011

No Journey Is Too Great When One When One Finds What He… Sikhs

That’s a quote from Friedrich Nietzsche.  I know that because I am very cultured.  And because I’ve seen Coming to America about 30 times.

Fauja Singh didn’t come to America.  He went to Canada, where he completed a marathon.  Why is this a big deal?  Because the man is 100 years old.

And so it went.  The Indian went to Toronto – not to be confused with the Indian who is Tonto – and accomplished something no one ever has.  (And yes, folks, you can count on some jokes here… I have nothing but extreme admiration for the man, but I gotta do my job.)

My Dad and my friend, Derrick Butler, himself a marathoner, forwarded me the article.  Derrick informed me that the shirt old Mr. Singh is wearing (and yes, I think it’s OK to refer to him as “old”) actually reads, “Sikhs in the City.”

Not that Fauja can tell you this.  The man is illiterate.  What has he been doing for a century?  Just hasn’t had the time to get around to learning how to read?  In 10 decades?  At this rate, completing marathons at 100, I suppose he’s planning on cracking open his first book at 110?  He probably will, too.  He didn’t start running consistently till 89.  Watch this man read more than Sir Francis Bacon in the next 11 years.

And get this – the man has written a biography.  Some would call that inspiring.  No, it isn’t.  An illiterate centenarian has written a BOOK and finished a 26-mile RACE.  I can barely motivate myself to finish this blog post and then later step outside and walk fifty feet to mail a LETTER.

That’s the thing.  Inspiring stories… aren’t.

Take Helen Keller.  Everyone is always like, “Isn’t that so inspirational that a blind and deaf woman accomplished as much as she did?”  No, it isn’t inspirational.  It’s DEPRESSING.  I have my full faculties and I’ll never accomplish that much – even if I live 100 years.  Thanks a lot, Fauja.

You know whom I really feel sorry for?  Well, besides the five people he BEAT.  (Wow.)  Although they did have a hard time seeing around his turban to the finish line…

His entire lineage – that’s who.  My friends’ grandfathers catch a fish that you can SEE and they hear about it for years.  Can you imagine his grandkids?  Or his grandkids lecturing his great-grandkids?  ”Well, that’s great you got an A in trigonometry, but Fauja-Ji ran a marathon at age 100.  Just sayin’.”

But that’s exactly what he did.  The Punjabi, on a diet of tea, ginger curry, and “being happy,” made his mark.  I thought maybe he drank two 5-Hour Energy bottles.  Or at least did it the way most Punjabis would –  a steady stream of alcohol and Red Bull.

  • Eight hours 25 minutes – that’s just barely longer than the average Bollywood movie… and almost as long as M. Night Shyamalan’s movies feel.
  • He finished in 3,850th place, proving Indians may always be late, but we still get the job done.
  • Funny that a minority staked this claim, but it should have nothing to do with… race.

 

Another Bearded Runner

Afterwards, He Had the Sorest Hump

Obviously, I’m a standup so I jest, I jest.  The man deserves – and has – our respect.  It is truly an incredible feat.  (Or feet.)  Congratulations, Mr. Singh.  You ARE truly an inspiration.

Rajiv Satyal is a comedian.  He resides in Los Angeles.  He is the Punjabi with the Puns and the Jabs.

 

3 Comments
October 17, 2011

Writing about Righting Some Wrongs by Righting the Right

I’ve been in NY on & off for about a month and will be here till next week.  We happened to drive by Occupy Wall Street a couple of days ago and we have had it on our To Do List to actually go down there and check it out.  I hope to do so in the next few days.

For my part, I want to applaud the efforts of people finally, finally getting involved.  I’ve long maintained that life for anyone born after 1975, until the new century, has been one long Seinfeld episode:

“No, no!  Nothing happens.” – George

When I’ve said that in the past, sometimes people hit me back with, “What about Challenger?”  Are you kidding me?  With the risk of sounding insensitive, I’m sorry, but that was seven people.  AIDS was an enormous happening but the biased media refused to cover it with the attention it deserved.  The fall of the Berlin Wall was huge but we, being young, lacked the perspective to appreciate its meaning.

Contrast that with the ’60s and ’70s:  the election of a a young, charismatic, Catholic President; the Civil Rights Movement; the JFK Assassination; the MLK assassination; the RFK assassination; Vietnam War; Watergate… I mean, c’mon.  LOTS happened and people were INVOLVED.

And with the ’00s and its two dreams and two nightmares: the election of a black President, the rise of Web 2.0, 9/11, and the near-collapse of the financial system.

For the last two years, I’d expressed nothing short of shock that people hadn’t taken to the streets in violence.  Now, I’m glad to see people are – especially in nonviolence.  (Hey, it was just Gandhi’s birthday on 10/2… these folks are “being the change.”)

I did some reading up on Occupy Wall Street this morning; a friend had sent me the link in September before it truly popped off.

I am routinely astounded when people have asked, “Yeah, but what are their demands?”

Are you effin’ serious?  Does anyone really not know why people are mad?

This person summarized it the best – and yes, I do sometimes get my news on Wikipedia:

—

 

Media theorist Douglas Rushkoff criticized the mainstream media for dismissing the protesters. “Anyone who says he has no idea what these folks are protesting is not being truthful. Whether we agree with them or not, we all know what they are upset about, and we all know that there are investment bankers working on Wall Street getting richer while things for most of the rest of us are getting tougher.

—

Many have referred to OWS (Occupy Wall Street) as the left’s version of the Tea Party.  There are parallels, to be sure, and I’ve long had mixed feelings about the Tea Party.  I am glad that people are pissed off and railing against the Establishment.  It may very be that President Obama’s two largest accomplishments (besides vindicating George Bush with the continuation of his policies of bank bailouts, wars on terror, and tax cuts) are spawning these two gigantic groundswells.

Bill Maher did a wonderful job of laying out the lack of facts that many on the right continue to spew.  As Sen. Patrick Moynihan said, “Everyone is entitled to his own opinion but not his own facts.”

So, despite the fact that this clip is a few weeks old, these facts need to make their way into the zeitgeist and especially into the heads of many (if not most) GOP voters.

Please get these straight because they are true:

  • Taxes are actually at their lowest level in 50 years… under Obama, lower.
  • Most of the current deficit is due to Bush policies and spending – not Obama’s – because Bush started wars and cut taxes at the same time – something no one’s ever tried.
  • Reagan raised taxes 11 times and tripled the debt.
  • “ObamaCare” is in no way a government takeover of health care; in fact, it forces people to become customers of private insurance companies.
  • The debt ceiling is about money we already spent.
  • Wrestling is fake.
Please commit these to memory because, without logic on your side, you make it very, very difficult for moderate independents like this blogger to get behind your movement.  We just gravitate to an amorphous protest like OWS because no clearly stated facts >> incorrect facts.
Having said that…
I am the 99%.
Even though I am the 1% when it comes to intelligence, diligence, and whenever else it’s convenient.  Ha.

Leave a comment
October 10, 2011

Joking About Steve Jobs’ Passing Just Isn’t PC

As I mentioned in my NL last week, the news of Steve Jobs’ passing has affected me more than I thought possible.

I watched several tribute videos and re-watched his Stanford Commencement 2005 speech, parts of which I had seen long ago.

It’s weird because death has been on my mind a lot this year.  Not sure why but I’ve just been thinking about the subject a lot.

I’m not sure when I first became aware of the fact that I will die someday, but I think we all experience different levels of consciousness about it.

I suppose I’ve been digging a bit deeper this year.  So, Jobs’ thoughts on death in that above speech came at a good time.

Probably my favorite conversation on death is, unsurprisingly, from Seinfeld - not embeddable.

We all deal with death differently so, as comedians, our job is to make jokes about everything.  Some lines did come to mind last week but it felt too soon.  That’s the problem, ironically, with this iPhone world in which we live.  We feel the need to lay claim to a joke before someone else does.  The Onion published several articles and Reuters did a piece on where the line is.

The New Yorker put Jobs on its cover, w/ St. Peter checking him in on an iPad.

 

I suppose prefacing jokes with the fact that I really am sad over the news of Jobs’ death provides the context and creative license to be able to present jokes about it, especially recalling that laughter can be a defense mechanism against the horrible.  For some reason, my brother, Rakesh, and I have a tendency to laugh when we hear bad news.  It’s not that we’re insensitive at all – it’s literally our bodies’ physical defense mechanism.

Here’s what I wrote:

  • If Steve Jobs does get into heaven, as depicted above, it won’t be the first time he passed Gates.
  • The news of the Apple CEO’s passing has shaken me to the core.
  • Jobs has ascended past his iClouds into the real clouds.
  • Jobs resigned from Mac – this is truly apple turnover.
  • This is one Jobs report Obama didn’t need.
  • Steve Jobs, thank you for all you’ve done for our world – you will always be the Mac.
  • I think we should take a moment, re-prioritize, and change the way we talk about our technology now… “My iPhone died.”  It’s not that serious.  People die.  You can recharge a phone.
  • Joking about Jobs’ passing just isn’t PC.
Are any of those over the line?  I don’t think so because I’m not making fun of Jobs’ death but rather our reactions to it.  There are people all along the spectrum – people who joke about everything that day all the way to people who think there are certain things never to be joked about.  There are “buzz words” that just make people uncomfortable, like “Holocaust,” “AIDS,” “Cancer,” etc.  In fact, the NY Times just published an article of people making light of cancer.
But what say you?

 

4 Comments
October 3, 2011

…And I Feel Finest Worksong

Well, I didn’t feel ‘em enough as those tracks didn’t make my list but several others did… so, allow me to Document.

Last week, I wrote a blog post about R.E.M.

My friend, Catherine, wrote to me that she wanted to hear the songs I listed as my Top Ten.

So, I made a playlist.  Enjoy.

In case the embedding doesn’t work, here’s the link.

And if you want to do a DEEP dive, somebody made a 100-song one… wow:

100-Song R.E.M. Playlist

Enjoy.

And if you really want to get involved, jump on and help Spotify build its.

My friend, Rohit, pointed out that “Superman” is a cover. Guess a true fan would know that.

I did manage to get part of last week’s blog read on WNYC, when I posted a comment to its blog. Pretty cool.

 

 

 

Leave a comment
September 26, 2011

It’s The End of R.E.M. As We Know It

R.E.M. broke up last week.

In some ways, this reminds me of when Michael Jordan retired from the Washington Wizards.  When he left the Chicago Bulls (for the second time) was far more relevant to pop culture.  He just sort of hung around for a few years after his peak, much as he insisted he’d never do.  It must be just that hard to leave the game.  Any game.

R.E.M., consisting originally of Michael Stipe, Bill Berry, Mike Mills, and Peter Buck, was a force in music for a long time.  Yes, they were around for 31 years, but they were most influential in the ’80s and ’90s.  Had they called it quits in the mid-nineties, it would’ve been enormous news.  Now, it feels like what it’ll feel like when Pearl Jam finally disbands.

Or when I saw a poster of Laura Dern in an upcoming TV show.  ”Laura Dern’s still alive?”

In fact, the news of Bill Berry’s departure in 1997 hit me harder at the time, especially the way Stipe delivered it:  ”For me, Mike, and Peter, as R.E.M., are we still R.E.M.?  I guess a three-legged dog is still a dog.  It just has to learn to run differently.”

Awww.

And I’m not dogging them now.  Michael Stipe and the boys hung around because they love making music.

I once detailed the most influential albums in my life.  The blog post continues to get a surprising number of hits.  Surprising to me because it’s something I thought would interest only me but perhaps that’s the reason it resonates with people.  As it’s been said, “That which is most personal is most general.”

From that post, The Record of Records, I wrote about R.E.M.:

—

It’s not worth it to list every REM album, but suffice it to say that they became my first favorite band. They’re #3 today (behind The Beatles and Led Zeppelin.). Out of Time was just phenomenal, so I proceeded to buy all their albums. My favorites are Document and Life’s Rich Pageant.

—

At some point in time, I’ll write extensively about the year 1980.  I think it was the most important inflection point in modern American history (if I’m defining “modern” as Post-World War II).  Everything changed.  To me, that’s when the shift from classic to modern rock occurred.  The roots were being laid as early as 1978, but that marked the rise of what would become known as the alternative scene, led by bands such as R.E.M., Depeche Mode, and The Cure.

(And for the record, I’ve always hated describing “Alt” as a genre.  To me, Alternative is a philosophy – it’s the anti-mainstream.  Once it itself became popular, it ceased to be Alternative.  I get what people mean when they refer to songs as Alt, but the best moniker is Modern Rock.)

And nobody captured or defined this sound better than R.E.M.  I was into them pretty hard-core during my later middle school and early high school years.  I owned all of their albums and continued to buy them through New Adventures in Hi-Fi.  I liked that album, but because I didn’t love it, I sort of abandoned them.

I never saw them live, but that’s not saying much – I’m not a big concert guy.  I kinda wish I would’ve seen ‘em, much like U2 or The Rolling Stones, but my life feels complete even if this never happens.

The album I’m most proud to own is actually their first EP on vinyl, Chronic Town.  My friend, Bill Johnson, was the first person who got me into them (although I had friends such as Rohit Chandra, Sachin Waikar, Laura Biancke, Jen Mayer, Lena Powers, Hope Hardy, and Trisha Gille who loved them, too) and he did it by playing the cassette tape for me in my car.  I loved it.  Before that, I used to get R.E.M. mixed up with REO Speedwagon.  Ouch.  I apologize to all involved for that one.  Obviously, it was the similarity in their names.  In any case, I couldn’t fight that feeling.

Years later, my friend Aaron Minch, who got me into The Beatles, showed me that he had the CT record.  He could sense how badly I wanted it so he gave it to me out of the goodness of his own heart.  I thought of it as karma, since years earlier, I had done the same with Garage Days.  I love Metallica but my freshman year roommate, Jon Schreiner, LOVED Metallica, so I gave him the CD.  What goes around comes around.

I always followed Stipe and his antics.  I read a lot of his quotes and admired the fact that he found “love songs odious.”  True, because I think the only song of theirs with “love” in the title is “The One I Love,” which I just put on a mix CD.  (Hadn’t made a mix CD in years.  It’s all playlists these days.  CDs were definitely easier to make than mix tapes.  Wonder if peeps back in the day used to make mix records?  Bought a press and all?  THAT would be romantic.)

Because this is a Rajiv blog post, I must provide you with lists.  So, here are my lists…

TOP 10 FAMOUS SONGS I LIKED

  1. “Superman” (cover)
  2. “Fall on Me”
  3. “Losing My Religion” – Hey, it’s “the hit of the century.”
  4. “Orange Crush”
  5. “Radio Free Europe” – Ranked #2 on iconic Cincinnati mod rock station 97X’s top 500 list, second only to “How Soon Is Now?” by The Smiths.  I love that song but, to me, RFE is the anthem.  I’d have put it #1.
  6. “(Don’t Go Back to) Rockville”
  7. “Everybody Hurts”
  8. “Strange Currencies”
  9. “I Walked with a Zombie” (cover)
  10. “Daysleeper”

A FEW FAMOUS SONGS I DIDN’T LIKE

  • “Stand” – Couldn’t stand it.  In fact, aside from “Orange Crush,” I never got into Green.
  • “Pop Song 89″ – Ditto.
  • “Shiny Happy People” – Enh.  My friend Eric Thorlin pointed out this song was done in jest.  Note the track listing (which became a signature file for me)… “Shiny Happy People” “Belong” “Half a World Away.”

TOP 10 NOT-SO-FAMOUS SONGS (NON-SINGLES) I LIKE 

  1. “Carnival of Sorts (Box Cars)”
  2. “Pretty Persuasion”
  3. “Swan Swan H”
  4. “Texarkana”
  5. “Oddfellows Local 151″
  6. “Half a World Away”
  7. “Country Feedback”
  8. “Gardening at Night”
  9. “Pale Blue Eyes” (remake)
  10. “Begin The Begin”
R.E.M. was the first band whose success I tracked and was the first time I felt I could say, “I liked their old stuff.”  Someday, I’ll need to dive into their new stuff.  They rarely put out anything I didn’t like, so I’m looking forward to doing that.
Thanks, boys, for 31 great years.  They went by too rapidly.

6 Comments
September 20, 2011

Weak Daze

Well, it’s Blog Mondays and I’m almost out of time.  I’m tired from traveling to Iowa and Ohio this weekend.  But I gotta write about something so here goes.

Btw, that’s an EXCELLENT interest arouser.  I’m POSITIVE you’re now dying to read the rest of it.

I was thinking earlier about my favorite days of the week and months of the year.  So, I’m going to list them out and tell you.

Days

  1. Saturday – I think it’s hard to argue against Saturday as the best day of the week.  No work.  You’re more rested for the night.  And you’re off tomorrow.  Unless you work weekends.  But then you should’ve gone to college.  HA.
  2. Friday – If you like Friday better than Saturday, you probably like Spring better than Summer.  And I can see that.  Friday is probably a bit more exciting than Saturday because of the anticipation of what’s coming.  And I’ve discovered over the years that the best way to make the weekend feel considerably longer is to NOT stay in on Fridays but rather go out.  Otherwise, you kind of let the week beat you.  And that’s the downside of Friday – you had to get up early.  To end on a positive note, I remember liking Fridays the most for a while whenever I had a crush on a girl in school that I was too much of a loser to see on the weekends.  (That was a positive note?)
  3. Sunday – It’s the most depressing day of the week.  And what’s worse is when people say, before dark, “How was your weekend?”  Annoying.  Don’t take that away from me.  It’s still the weekend!  Oh, but it’s a school night.  And we’re recovering from whatever we put in our bodies on Friday and Saturday, be it drinks or food or… well, let’s keep it clean.  So, why is it 3rd on my list?  Dude, you don’t have to get up early.  And it’s also the day I feel most successful people use the most to their (our?) advantage.  Prepare for the week, set goals, etc.  And it’s just that day you gotta do maintenance – grocery shop, get your laundry on.  (Although I try to be a kind soul and do it during the weekdays so the office workers can use the washers & dryers.)  Without Sunday, I’m not sure what we would do.  It’s not really the weekend and it’s not really the week.  It’s a strange day if you think about it.  But the Europeans have this right – they start their weeks on Mondays.  That’s correct.  Sunday is the weekend.
  4. Thursday – We now move to the core of the week.  Even though I’ve loved just about every job I’ve ever had, as they say, “A bad day fishing beats a good day working.”  Amen, brother.  They pay you because it’s not something you’d do for free, as my comic friend Joe Lipari says.  When I’d wake up Thursday morning, I felt like I had beaten the week.  Getting out of bed early has always been the routine I hate most.  Friday I had my weekend energy crankin’.  So, getting up early Thursday was the last challenge of the week.  And in college, Thursday night was the big one.  As my friend John Dreyer said freshman year when I asked him how he planned to make it to class if he partied so hard every Thursday, he hit me back with two words:  “Friday’s optional.”
  5. Tuesday – My affinity for Tuesday dates back to the simple fact that it was my Show & Tell day in 1st grade.  That’s it.  The memory of that has stayed with me for three decades.  As Newman told Kramer, “Tuesday has no feel.”  But it kind of does to me.
  6. Monday – Hey, the Boomtown Rats said it (although they were quoting something rather sinister).  “I Don’t Like Mondays.”  I think what keeps it at #6 instead of #7 for me is that, especially as an entrepreneur, it represents opportunity.  I get more calls for gigs than any other day.  And that’s exciting.  But let’s face it – the weekend is over.  I think I best summed up this sentiment one day at University of Cincinnati when this really annoying kid in our class (well, the other one) droned on and on, making some inane point.  As soon as he finished, I sighed and muttered, “Four days till Friday.”  Big laugh.  The next reprieve just seemed so far away.
  7. Wednesday – I don’t hate Wednesday.  Life must be pretty good if you don’t despise the last day on your list.  And it is.  (Knock on wood. ;) )  I have found, though, that I’m most tired on Wednesdays.  You can’t really say that we’re at the end of the week.  You’re in the midst.  It is Hump Day, so that ain’t so bad.  But as I once heard someone ask, “Why do they call Wednesday ‘Hump Day’ when most people get laid on the weekends?”  And I must be correct to list it last, because it’s the only day of the week without a popular song containing it in the title.  Think about it.  There are more than just these but these are the ones that come to mind:  “I Don’t Like Mondays.”  “Manic Monday.”  “Monday Monday.”  “Tuesday Afternoon.”  “Friday I’m in Love.”  “Friday.”  “Saturday Night’s Alright for Fighting.”  “Sunday Bloody Sunday.”  Guess there’s no Thursday either.  Never mind.  (And before you write in and tell me there are songs with Wednesday and Thursday in the title, note I wrote “popular.”  So, there.)

Months

  1. May – Forget the Christmas carols.  May is the most wonderful time of the year.  I think it’s indisputable.  It has to be the happiest month.  Best weather.  Mother’s Day.  School’s out or almost out.  Baseball’s on.  NBA is heatin’ up.  The entire summer stretching out in front of you like a long vacation.  And in fact, the business cycle decelerates around Memorial Day.  Someone once pointed out that companies speed up and slow down like clockwork.  January – Memorial Day, everyone’s excited about the new year.  Memorial Day through Labor Day, everything gets quieter.  September, we’re off to the races again.  Then Thanksgiving through the end of the year, nothing new really gets done.  It’s all catchup.
  2. June – NBA Finals.  NHL Finals.  Father’s Day.  Gay Pride Parades galore (which is a pretty gay word (and one of the only verbs that modifies nouns before it (useless fact of the day (hey, look at all these nested parentheses)))).  The beginning of summer without the dog days and their blistering heat.  Sure, in LA, we have June Gloom, but that all burns off by 1 pm, anyway.  Simple solution to miss that:  Sleep till noon.
  3. July – You can start to see my bias towards heat and away from cold.  Definition of midsummer.  Sure, it’s hot, but it’s vacation time… BBQs… long days… warm nights… “Saturday in the park – I think it was the Fourth of July.”
  4. August – The slowest month of the year.  Everyone’s on vacation, even if it’s the only month without any major American holidays.  (It is India’s Independence Day, though.)  And if school begins for you this month, so what?  It’s the easy part.  Meet your teachers; get your pencils.
  5. March – Spring, baby, spring.  I’m biased because the 7th is my birthday, but here are other reasons to love it:  March Madness.  St. Patrick’s Day.  The Ides of March (OK, not so great if you were Julius.)  Easter (sometimes).  Mardi Gras.  Finally, as an old science teacher of mine once pointed out, it’s the only month that’s a verb and a sentence on its own, which makes the days more exciting, especially the 4th one:  March Forth!
  6. December – I hate the cold.  Almost as much as waking up in the morning.  I abhor it.  But December is the Holidays and so I can put up with it through Jan 1.  Simultaneously the fastest and slowest month of the year.  Family time.  Christmas.  Hanukkah.  Kwanzaa.  New Year’s Eve.  I’ve always thought the seasons/months were off by one.  It’s strange that June 15 is still spring.  September 15 is still summer.  Weird, right?  December 15 is fall.  And March 15 is winter.  Why couldn’t they just make the solstices and equinoxes on March 1, June 1, September 1, and December 1, so that Dec – Feb is Winter, Mar – May is Spring, Jun – Aug is Summer, and Sep – Nov is Autumn?  Doesn’t that look more correct?  Or if you want to contain each season within a calendar year, then JFM as Winter Quarter, AMJ as Spring, JAS as Summer, and OND as Fall?  I don’t know.  Do something, people.
  7. September – Probably the most exciting month.  It’s a mad dash to the end of the year.  Baseball’s heating up.  Football is back in full force.  U.S. Open (tennis).  Though summer unofficially (Labor Day) and officially (Autumnal Equinox on 9/21) ends, you can count on mostly very good weather.  The only thing is that, like the spring and fall months, you have to wear a coat in the morning to work when it’s 40 degrees and then look like a douche wearing or carrying it home when it’s 75 degrees.
  8. April – Though it’s warmer than March, it rains too much.  Summer feels like it’s still pretty far for this reason.  Sometimes Easter falls in it.  But it also contains Tax Day.
  9. October – NBA and NHL kick off.  World Series.  Football on.  Is there a better sports month?  Halloween fun.  But it’s getting cold.  I’ve always felt they should move Halloween to Oct 1.  That way, you don’t have to wear a dumb-ass coat over your Superman costume.
  10. November – Love Thanksgiving.  Diwali for us Indians generally falls in November (though it can be October).
  11. January – “All’s quiet on New Year’s Day.”  Amazing U2 song.  But as soon as Jan 2 arrives, I’m completely over winter.  That’s why my life dream is to be bi-coastal.  And Jan 2 is the day I’d fly back to LA.  Ideal schedule:  Jan 2 – July 3 in LA; July 4 – Jan 1 in NY.  The Super Bowl has moved to February.  But we have Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.  However, here’s what they should do to improve this month’s standing – and it’s the best idea you’ll ever hear:  Move the Super Bowl so that Super Sunday is the day before MLK Day.  Party hard.  Sleep in.  Game time.
  12. February – I don’t mean to list it last, brothers and sisters.  I realize it’s Black History Month.  And the Powers-That-Be have done everything they can to spice it up, adding the Oscars and Grammys to Presidents Day, Valentine’s Day, and Groundhog Day.  But it’s just so COLD.  And warm weather is SO far away.  As I once wrote, I think I know why February is Black History Month:  The NBA All-Star Game is in February.  The Super Bowl is in February and the best players are black.  The Grammys take place and they win most of the awards.  The Oscars occur in February.  Seen that statue?  Anyone who wears that much gold has to be black.  Valentine’s Day  – best gift?  Chocolate.  Presidents Day – African-Americans can cheer that one now.  Groundhog’s Day is in February – the groundhog lays in the cut and his shadow is black.  Finally, the birth stone for February is amethyst, which is… The Color Purple.  Boom.

There’s your blog post for Monday.  I actually liked it.  Hope you do, too.

And Monday’s almost over.  Good.  It gets better tomorrow.

 

2 Comments
September 13, 2011

“If That Thing Had 9 Lives, He Just Spent ‘Em All”

“If I got one thing against the black chappies, it’s this:  no one gives it to ya.  Ya have to take it.”

How’s that for two rather different movie quotes to begin a blog post?

The title is Cousin Eddie in a scene from National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation.

The subsequent one is from Jack Nicholson’s opening monologue in The Departed.

So, did comedian Katt Williams spend his 9 Lives?  And was he right or wrong about Mexicans and the fight to take back their land?

In case you don’t know what happened…

Comedian Katt Williams, originally from my hometown of Cincinnati, Ohio,  went on a rant in response to a Mexican heckler a few weeks ago.

His press agent issued an apology.  I couldn’t find the text of it online. Meaning he’s probably not very good at publicity. Step up your game, son.

Katt then simultaneously apologized and qualified his apology on CNN, basically defending his right to defend America and clarifying that his PR person – not he – issued the apology.  He apologized if anyone was hurt but didn’t apologize for what he said onstage, stating that he, as a comedian, cannot do what Tracy Morgan did when he said he was sorry for making anti-gay remarks at a standup show in Nashville (when he said he’d stab his son if he came out as gay), because it’s a comedian’s right to deliver “uncensored thought.”  The video is not embeddable.

So, that’s the story.  What does the Funny Indian think?

I always research.  A good blogger better.  When I do, I diverge and diverge into videos and blog posts and news stories and Wikipedia entries.  The scope of race relations and an unfolding story (though it seems to have run its course) is far too wide to tackle in one post so, as all writers, I had to stick a pin in it somewhere.  Sometimes, I just don’t feel prepared to deliver my thoughts, as was the case with the Tiger Mom.  I wrote notes upon notes but decided that I couldn’t in good faith publish it without reading the book.  And I never got around to it.  And now the news has gone away.

Amy Chua, Tiger Mom

But let’s move from Tigers to Katts.  (No, I actually didn’t plan that.  And I’m not lion.)

I could give a one-sentence response…

IT’S KATT WILLIAMS!

And that would probably suffice.  I mean, c’mon.  Are you really gonna take his comments seriously? The man has had meltdown after meltdown off- and onstage, for months.

But I will.  Because I’m a comic.  And I think comics are smart.  And his persona, while grounded in some kind of truth, is exactly that – a persona.  Underneath that, he’s a_person. So, here goes:

  • Are All Apologies BS? Part of me thinks so.  I recall my high school friend, Danny Barry.  I’d often do something like knock over his cup or throw his pencil across the room and follow that up with, “I’m sorry.”  And you know what Danny would say?  “No, you’re not.  You’re gonna do it again.”  We had that sort of Charlie Brown and Lucy friendship.

 

Lucy About to Pull The Football Away Again

And he was right.  I totally did it again.  That’s why a true apology contains three parts:

  1. I’m sorry.
  2. It’s my fault.
  3. What can I do to make it right?

    Most people forget the third part.  And that’s the true test.  How do you plan on rectifying the situation and do you plan to change your behavior?  I do think we can sometimes say things that we truly don’t mean…to be mean.  To win an argument.  To just shut someone up.  And for those things, you can apologize.  But no one can truly tell if you’re genuine.  Only I know what’s in my heart.  It’s like the opposite of niceness as a quality.  I don’t get to say that I’m nice.  That’s up to others.  Remember what the “wizard” said in The Wizard of Oz?

“A heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others.”

 

Hey, there’s the lion.  Closed the loop.  So, others can tell me if I’m nice.  But only I can tell you if I’m sincere.  Niceness is up to you; sincerity is up to me.  Ultimately, however, the authenticity of an apology will be JUDGED in the perception.  Did he really mean it?  IMHO, I think Michael Richards really does harbor some racist ideas.  I don’t think that much hate comes out of you if you don’t have any of it.  As South Pacific conveyed to us about racism, “You’ve Got to Be Carefully Taught.”  We live in a racist society so “everyone’s a little bit racist.”  (As Avenue Q sang.)

So, I’ve gone from quoting movies to musicals.  Glad I’m not Tracy Morgan’s son.

I truly believe that, under the right circumstances, most of us could be Gandhi or Hitler.  But I’d say Kramer spewed more vitriol than most of us contain.  Quoting a black man in that same montage from The Departed, “they put hate in your heart.”  And it just seemed like Kramer has some hate.

In the end, I as a comic will judge you based on whether what you’re saying is true and whether it’s funny.  Katt had moments of both. Part of me empathizes with him and with Kramer, as Dave Chappelle summed up brilliantly.  As it’s been said, there’s a fine line between genius and madness.

Chappelle (Not Chappie)
  • Moment Before:  I learned of this incident from Comedian Loni Love, with whom I will most likely be doing a guest spot this Friday in Cincinnati.
Loni (Not Lion)

    In fact, Loni and I had quite an interesting discussion on race & politics two months ago at the Comedy & Magic Club in Hermosa Beach, CA.  As such, she’ll be appearing on my podcast in the coming weeks, especially since we just reconnected after performing together at San Diego State on 9/2/11.  None of these views are explicitly endorsed by her – you’d have to ask her directly.  But she did make this point:  We don’t know what happened right before the cameras started rolling.  What is the context of Katt’s rant?  And without this, it’s hard to make a judgment call.

  • “Applaud or Boo – Do What You Want To.”  So rapped Rob Base.  This much we know – the crowd (largely Mexican) mostly cheered Katt.  This is the rule – the audience will cheer if it agrees with you; it will boo if it doesn’t.  Katt has perhaps the most important jury on his side – the crowd that night at that particular moment.

    • At the same time, Katt went too far.  I’ve been heckled.  Most comics have and all good comics have.  Speaking of juries, it’s part of the trial by fire – you learn to handle yourself.  And there are definite DOs and DON’Ts.  Katt was right to defend his point and poke fun at the man.  But he was wrong to:

  1. Go on as long as he did.
  2. Send over his bodyguards to hold the man down while he took his shots.
  3. Not make amends with him at the end.

    Hey, at the Las Vegas Improv in July, I had a former Ohio State offensive lineman (and he was offensive) heckle the heck out of me.  But I let him get me.  Then I zinged him back amidst applause.  And when he asked me if I wanted to “come down here and say that,” I replied, ~”Yeah.  That’s a fair fight.  Dude, I’m a comedian.  I fight with words.  You’re what?  An O-LINEMAN?  I won’t take those odds.”  And at the end of my response, I made up with him.  I forgot if I bonded with him over being fellow Ohioans or what, but I did iron it out and get him on my side.  The video is too grainy to tell whether the Mexican man is smiling or fighting, but what Katt did was eviscerate and intimidate the man to the point of humiliation.  And sending over your dogs to hold him down while you punch him in the face is something that a-hole in Boiler Room does.  It’s a bitch move.

  • Will to Live:  “It isn’t what we don’t know that gives us trouble; it’s what we know that ain’t so.” – Will Rogers.  Or, said another way, “Everyone is entitled to his own opinion, but not his own facts.” – Sen. Patrick Moynihan.  Katt Williams didn’t get his facts straight.  The Mexicans did fight for the lands that are now Arizona and California.  And Mexico abolished slavery before the U.S. did.  So, it’s complicated.  But purporting to know more than you do, whether you’re a comic or a heckler or a blogger, is dangerous territory that nobody owns.  I heard a comic make one of the most insightful jokes I’ve ever heard and I can’t remember who it was.  Was it Chris Rock?  Dave Chappelle?  Someone else?  I don’t know.  But it was along the lines of, “To black people, America is like that uncle that put you through college but abused you as a child.”  Wow.  In other words, America has done a lot for blacks but a lot to blacks, as well.  So, when Katt said, “F*ck!  We were slaves, bitch.  Y’all just work like that at the landscapers, motherf*cker!” he’s talking about how African Americans (before they were even considered full-blooded Americans) literally slaved away for this country.  It’s a source of both shame and, in a much more complex way, pride.  But again, Mexico outlawed slavery ahead of us.  It’s a struggle I’ll never know.  And per the discussion that Loni Love and I had at Hermosa, it’s a struggle President Obama doesn’t know either.  He’s black but he has no roots in slavery.  His father was Kenyan.  Different world.  The point is… the context is complex.
  • Then Go Back:  I do agree that people who have loyalty to another nation should go back to that place.  I feel the same way about anyone who argues against wherever he lives.  We used to have that debate at Case Western Reserve University.  A strong contingent of us from Cincinnati constantly raved about how much better it is than Cleveland.  But the northerners always shut us down with, “Well, you’re here in Cleveland, right?”  They won.  End of discussion.  We were having the fight on their turf.  If Cincinnati is so great, then go back to school there.  (Which I did.)  Recently, I wrote about how weird it is that we pledge allegiance to a flag.  Really?  Them’s pretty big words for a 5-year-old.  But that’s how seriously we take indoctrinating our youth.  Patriotism run amok is xenophobia.  And pride is one of the seven deadly sins.  So, everything in moderation – even moderation.  One thing that has always driven me crazy is that some nations get the special designation of dual citizenship.  To me, that’s grossly unfair.  How can you pledge allegiance to two different countries?  But the powers-that-be decided that.  Just as THEY decide to keep the little man fighting.  Coke vs.  Pepsi.  Democrats vs. Republicans.  Mac vs. PC.  So, go on, dorks.  Debate each other all day on how you have a better operating system with Leopard or Tiger (hey, more cats!) than your “enemy” does with Windows Office.  Because Bill Gates has a lot more in common with Steve Jobs than you do.  They’re laughing all the way to the country club while you and your minions do their work for them.  There’s really not that much of a difference.  They want us to fight for 3rd place.  Blacks vs. Mexicans vs. Latinos vs. Asians.  Go ahead and argue.  Cleveland vs. Cincinnati.  (And we Californians will just sit back and laugh it up.  Yes, “we” Californians. Hey, it’s not where you’re from – it’s where you choose to live.)  The point of that tangent is just to make us realize that as long as we focus on our differences and not our similarities, THEY win and WE lose, no matter who THEY are – black or white.  (And, by the way, they are black. Now that President Obama is in office, it’s truly the Powers-That-Be, not the Powers-That-Are.  So, there’s that.)
  •  Uncensored Thought:  I support Katt’s comment on CNN that he, as a comedian, stands for “uncensored thought.”  I agree.  Standup is the last bastion of honesty in a society.  But as a standup, I’m a bus driver.  The audience is all on my bus.  And it will enjoy the ride as long as it looks like I’m in control.  I stay in control by not yelling or swearing.  Even a dirty comic has got to clean up his act during a heckler response – or be so focused that the words are a machine gun and not a spreader – or the audience will just decide that you’ve lost it.  So, as Dre or Madonna would encourage you to do, Express Yourself.  But be respectful and in-charge.  Katt let the situation overpower him.  Again, to quote Nicholson from the same speech, “I don’t want to be a product of my environment.  I want my environment to be a product of me.”  Then again, for the most part, Katt had the crowd on his side.  I wasn’t there.  You weren’t there.  They were.  And for most intents and purposes, the Katt came out of the bag O.K.
My Ruling: It Wasn’t Too Poisonous

4 Comments
September 5, 2011

Greatest Comedies

I was just on an email string with my two brothers and two friends, Neil and Miraj.  I should probably have written that sentence differently because that makes it seem like I only have two friends.

My brother, Vikas, kicked things off with:

———-

i was watching it recently.  coming to america really is the geatest comedy ever.  the sheer ridiculousness of Soul Glo is enough to put it over the top of any film.  how do you just think of that concept and then perfectly embed it into an entire plot point of a film?  it’s genius.

not only do they make the “commercial” eddie murphy sees from the street, but they took the time to write/record an 80s saxophone solo to the same tune (the one playing when eriq la salle pulls up in his red convertible).

that + PLUS sexual chocolate.  are you kidding me?

Vikas

———-

Rakesh replied with:

———-

about a month ago, i went to a screening at IFC of Paris Is Burning, this documentary from the early ’90s about the drag ball scene in Harlem in the late ’80s (it’s an incredible movie and has become a kind of cult classic).  at one pt in the movie, one of the drag queens goes to a model search held at this big convention center, and shari headley, who plays lisa, makes a cameo in the scene.  i turned to my friend and go, “that’s lisa mcdowell!!” and i got a dirty look from some hipster who didn’t know what i was talking about.  and i just stare back and go, “it’s lisa f*cking mcdowell.  deal with it.”

i guess you had to be there.

R

———-

Neil responded with:

———-

I recently had a long debate/discussion with friends about best/favorite comedies of all time.  Coming to America topped my list.  I believe some of the other contenders for me were Annie Hall, Planes, Trains & Automobiles, Swingers, Office Space, Groundhog Day, A Fish Called Wanda, This is Spinal Tap, Anchorman, and Role Models.  Obviously there are plenty of other worthy nominees.

The one movie that I heard most often named was Dumb & Dumber.  I really like that movie, but I don’t think it makes my top ten.

———-

HIS brother, Miraj, hit him with:

———-

Dumb & Dumber? Good but not close to greatest ever.
Get new friends.

———-

Vikas elevated the discussion with:

———-

LoL.  agreed.  so many people claim dumb & dumber is the greatest.  there’s obviously something i’m missing from it if so many others put it at the top.  but then part of me thinks, “no, i just think i have a better sense of humor.”
perhaps there’s a distinction between “comedies that are overall solid films” vs. “comedies that make me laugh my a** off.’
overall solid films: annie hall, a fish called wanda, planes trains and automobiles, groundhog day
make me laugh my a** off: coming to ameria, swingers, office space, this is spinal tap, anchorman, role models
both are funny, but you get a different sense of humor from the two groups.  i would add american pie to the latter group.
what other groups could there be?
 
 
———-
Miraj provided his thoughts with:
 
 
———-
 
I would say that there’s something almost transcendent/philosophical about movies like annie hall, coming to america, groundhog day, and office space. they’re able to accomplish something that 100 dramatic movies couldn’t, namely insights into the human condition/social observation while making us laugh at it–freakin’ hilarious. i think those kinds of movies are set above the others. I honestly still credit office space with my move away from a career in engineering!
 
 
———-
And then I went a little crazy and busted back with:
 
 
———-
 
 
Gentlemen – Finally getting a chance to catch up on life.  Of all the emails saved in my drafts folder, this is the string about which I was most excited to reply.  I agree w/ everything that has been said.  One disclaimer is that I claim to know funny films post-1980.  I’ve seen very few comedies released before then.  I just saw Dr. Strangelove last week – incredible.  Gonna try to turn this into a blog post.  But here goes…
 
 
  • “If you wish to converse with me, define your terms.” – Voltaire.  There are differences among Greatest, Best, Funniest, and Favorite.  The reason I wrote a long blog post about Defining Greatness was for discussions such at this one, as well as answering who the greatest rappers and actors are.  Greatness is an eternal quality, one for the ages, implying some kind of wide consensus, something that transcends.  For movies, these are the ones you find listed on an AFI list or can imagine in an Oscar montage in the year 2050, the classics.  Best, to me, implies that something can be the king of its genre without transcendence.  You can find these on lists like College Humor’s.  Here’s a way to illustrate the transcendence piece… my comic friend Hasan Minhaj came up with this:  The Notorious B.I.G. might be the BEST rapper ever, but Jay is the GREATEST.  Here’s the test… Finish this list:  The Beatles, Madonna, U2, Frank Sinatra, and ___.  Biggie Smalls?  Ha.  Nice try.  You can only fill that in with Jay or maybe Eminem.  But it’s Jay.
  • Funniest is obviously the narrowest of these.  In short, perhaps the only thing that comedians and humorists agree on is this:  Funny is what makes you laugh.  That’s really it.  To use an extreme example to make my point, Hitler probably found the Holocaust hilarious.  To him, it might’ve been.  (And if you didn’t yet watch that Louis CK bit on Conan about Schinder’s List, this is as good a tie-in as any.)  In a slightly less offensive example, to me, The Catcher in The Rye is the funniest thing I’ve ever experienced.  It makes me laugh harder than any movie I’ve seen.  But most people just find it sad and even tragic.  This point about subjectivity is what broadens the possible consideration set outside of films listed under “Comedy” on Netflix.  Back to The Future is an Adventure film, but it’s also very funny.  (It’s also a fun movie, much like Maverick or The Late Show.  David Letterman isn’t wholly hilarious but his show is fun.)  In this sense, then, it must be noted that Annie Hall is technically not a comedy in the traditional theatrical sense.  I had issues with Fargo not because I didn’t like it.  I’ve seen it five times and love it.  But for the same reason, it’s not a dark comedy.  It’s a funny drama.  This point can only be taken so far, however.  Are Election or Waiting for Guffman not comedies, then?  To answer this, one must then explore the theme of the movie, or conveyed another way, the reason the film was made.  In these cases, the primary purpose would seem to be to make people laugh.  Not sure you could positively say that for Annie Hall.  It’s hilarious to me but I could see someone who’s been through that seeing it more in the vein of a (500) Days of Summer.
  • Favorite is the appropriate adjective, but per the previous point, what’s the noun?  The question, “What’s your favorite comedy?” doesn’t work. The appropriate questions are:  “What’s the funniest movie you’ve seen?” and “What’s the best comedy you’ve seen?” and “What’s the greatest funny film ever made?”  So, Vikas, IMHO, there are three categories.  This is why I’ve listed out my 50 favorite movies, regardless of genre.  These are my personal favorites.  I made the list four years ago.
  • Another way of looking at it is who gets to define each term.  Best is up to the critics.  Funniest/Favorites is up to the individual.  Greatest is up to society.
  • Having written all of that, we can always throw a wrench in just about anything.  Could you ever imagine that Coming to America would be listed on RottenTomatoes.com as 65% and, on Metacritic.com, a 48?  Are YOU kidding me?  “Are you havin’ a laugh?”  Art may be subjective but this is just wrong.
  • I’d be curious to know if the reviews for Coming to America got better/worse.  That’s my “eternal” point about Greatness.  It endures.  As this article describes Louie, it makes the point that so rarely do we recognize greatness as it’s unfolding.  Contrast the Beatles with Led Zeppelin.  The latter was hated by critics for years and now they consider Zep to be amongst rock’s elite.  Again, we have to argue genres before we can argue rankings.  The Beatles are widely considered the greatest musical act of all time.  The best classic rock band is Led Zeppelin.  But if the Beatles are the greatest and they’re a rock band, don’t they trump LZ?  No, because the Beatles were an oldies group and then a psychedelic group and then a classic rock group, dropping only three albums in that last genre.  LZ made nine.  And it took years for them to get the recognition they deserve.  So, sometimes it just takes time to draw meaningful conclusions.
  • My arbitrarily short Top 6 Comedy List has been:
  1. National Lampoon’s Vacation
  2. Fletch
  3. Coming to America
  4. Waiting for Guffman
  5. Airplane!
  6. Swingers
  • I can see somebody not finding 5 of them to be all that great but if you don’t think Airplane! is funny, you don’t have a sense of humor.  It contains every type of comedy there is [end of post].
  • How many types of comedy are there?  I wrote an extensive post about the nine different humor styles and even ranked them by difficulty (of course I did):
  1. Awkward
  2. Dry/Sarcastic
  3. Clever/Quick-Witted
  4. Obscure/Absurd
  5. Black/Dark
  6. Raunchy/Blue
  7. Campy/Cheesy
  8. Friendly
  9. Goofy/Slapstick
  • So, Vikas, yes, you can have a “better” (as in Best) sense of humor than somebody else.  Again, art is subjective, but I mean, c’mon.  Some genres are just superior to others.  If my favorite musical act is the Beatles and yours is Black Eyed Peas, I’m getting into heaven and you’re not.  The awkward humor depicted in The Office (UK) is more sophisticated and higher-level than Fat Woman Falls Down a Hole.  But that’s the funniest thing I’ve ever seen.  So, it’s very low-brow and not as “good” as The Office, but Jesus Christ.
  • Having a shared sense of humor is quite possibly the most vital thing in any relationship.  My best friends are the ones with whom our Venn diagram of what we find funny is essentially one circle.  (I couldn’t find the grammatically correct way to construct that sentence but I think you feel me.)
  • I’ve long considered Sexual Chocolate to be the funniest scene in any movie, ever.  I’d challenge any Dumb & Dumber person to top that.  I’m in the same camp with all of you that D&D is OK but not amazing.  And I’ve given it a fair shake, viewing it four times over the course of a decade.  To D&D fans, I’d ask, “Which scenes do you really find that funny?”  (My friend, Gerry, has held parties where he told each guy friend to only bring over one scene of one movie and they all watch ‘em.  We should do that.)
  • The ’60s were the best decade for music.  The ’70s were the best for dramatic films.  The ’80s were the best for comedic films.  (The 1980s are the most represented decade on the AFI list.)  For that second claim, examine this list:  
  • Patton
  • A Clockwork Orange
  • The Godfather
  • The Sting
  • The Godfather, Part II
  • Chinatown (just saw it – incredible)
  • One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest
  • Dog Day Afternoon
  • Jaws
  • Rocky
  • Taxi Driver
  • Annie Hall (there you go)
  • The Deer Hunter
  • Kramer vs. Kramer
  • Apocalypse Now
We could’ve just stopped with the Godfathers.  Every other decade can go to hell.
 
 
  • The only two great comedy movies post-2000 are Borat and Napoleon Dynamite.  They’re genius.  There are other funny movies like Role Models and The Hangover, but I saw Borat three times in the theater and almost pissed myself (one of the greatest phrases ever, btw).
  • Just as there’s a difference in Best and Favorite, there’s a difference between Sucks and Overrated.  The most overrated films when discussing this topic are:  
  • Dumb and Dumber
  • Knocked Up
  • Meet The Parents
  • There’s Something about Mary
  • Happy Gilmore
  • Tropic Thunder
  • Animal House
  • Zoolander
  • The Princess Bride
  • Any Wes Anderson movie

  • Animal House actually sucks.  Anderson’s is the only type of humor I’ve come across that I just don’t get.  Part of the reason The Princess Bride is on that list is that I saw it too late.  Again, when you see a movie influences your Favorites list.  There’s a lot of nostalgia associated with that movie for a lot of folks.  If I saw The Goonies now for the first time, would I love it?  I don’t know.  I think so, though.   One reason I know ’80s comedies rule is that I perform standup at forty colleges a year… the kids add me… and oftentimes they’ll have Spaceballs or Caddyshack listed… and many of them weren’t alive in the ’80s.
  • There are only six funny sequels:  
  • The Naked Gun 2 1/2
  • Hot Shots! Part Deux
  • Two Vacation sequels
  • Two Austin Powers sequels
  • This is largely because comedies tail and dramas build.  Very few comedies are funny all the way to the end, either because they try to make a plot out of it or they try to inject too much melodrama, or the jig is simply up.  So, if it’s that hard to make a comedy funny for 87 minutes (Woody Allen’s ideal length for a comedy), then imagine how hard it is to do for an entire other movie.  In any case, there are only six good third movies in any genre:
  • Christmas Vacation
  • Austin Powers in Goldmember
  • Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade
  • The Lord of The Rings: The Return of The King
  • The Godfather:  Part III
  • …And I forget the other two.  Help?  (The 3rd Godfather was disappointing but didn’t suck.)
  • The Ricky Gervais-produced HBO special Talking Funny was brilliant.  But here’s something that occurred to us last night, “while we were in bed together”:  None of these four comedic greats has met with success in film.  Chris Rock and Jerry Seinfeld both scored with Good Hair and Comedian, both very good in their own way, “in his own unique way, but the song…”  However, they are documentaries.  What else does Rock have?  Head of State?  Seinfeld has Bee Movie.  CK wrote Pootie Tang, for Pete’s sake, and he’s not good in Gervais’ The Invention of Lying.  Ironically, neither is Gervais, and he’s not good in Ghost Town either. The reason I write “ironically” is because Gervais mastered the single-camera comedy in both The Office and Extras.  (Single-camera means no studio audience and that it’s shot like a movie.)  So, it’s strange indeed that he hasn’t translated in feature films.  It’s hard to explain because the problem with multi-camera comedy actors like Seinfeld and Ray Romano usually can’t make the leap into flicks because they overact.  Yet that’s precisely what Gervais has done in his big screen efforts.  As hilarious as he is in his two TV series, when it comes to movies, he’s just not funny.  To this end, then, it’s very hard to kill it in all media, either/both commercially and critically (best).  Robin Williams has – standup, TV, and movies.  Interestingly, Aziz Ansari is on his way.  Larry David is the funniest person ever to work in TV.  Woody Allen is the funniest person ever to walk the planet – three distinct careers in standup, acting, and directing.  No one else is close.  If aliens landed and asked us to explain human comedy, we’d hand ‘em Woody.
  • To place the films you listed in categories and adding in more in alphabetical order:
GREATEST FUNNY FILMS (transcend the genre):
  • Airplane!
  • Annie Hall
  • The Breakfast Club
  • Dr. Strangelove
  • One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest (I realize it’s not a comedy)
  • Planes, Trains, and Automobiles
  • Stand by Me
  • When Harry Met Sally…
BEST COMEDIES (make you laugh + think/provide insight/touch the heart):

  • Airplane!
  • The Bad News Bears
  • Best in Show
  • Big
  • The Big Lebowski
  • The Breakfast Club
  • Borat
  • Bridesmaids
  • City Slickers
  • Clue
  • Clueless
  • Coming to America
  • Dr. Strangelove
  • Father of the Bride (remake)
  • Ferris Bueller’s Day Off
  • Fletch
  • Ghostbusters
  • The Goonies
  • Groundhog Day
  • The Hangover
  • A Hard Day’s Night
  • Home Alone
  • Little Miss Sunshine
  • Maverick (remake)
  • Mean Girls
  • My Cousin Vinny
  • The Naked Gun
  • Napoleon Dynamite
  • National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation
  • National Lampoon’s Vacation
  • Office Space
  • Punch Drunk Love
  • Role Models
  • Stand by Me
  • Superbad
  • Swingers
  • This Is Spinal Tap
  • Tommy Boy
  • Trading Places
  • Waiting for Guffman
  • When Harry Met Sally…
  • Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
FUNNIEST FILMS (make me laugh):
  • Ace Ventura:  Pet Detective
  • Airplane!
  • American Pie
  • Anchorman
  • Annie Hall
  • Austin Powers (all three)
  • Back to The Future
  • Best in Show
  • Big
  • The Big Lebowski
  • Billy Madison
  • The Blues Brothers
  • Borat
  • The Breakfast Club
  • Bridesmaids
  • A Bronx Tale
  • The Bugs Bunny/Road Runner Movie
  • Caddyshack
  • Clerks
  • Clue
  • Clueless
  • Coming to America
  • Dodgeball
  • Dumb & Dumber
  • Fargo
  • Father of The Bride
  • Ferris Bueller’s Day Off
  • Fletch
  • Forrest Gump
  • Ghostbusters
  • The Goonies
  • The Hangover
  • Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle
  • Home Alone
  • Hot Shots! Part Deux
  • The Informant!
  • The Jerk
  • Knocked Up
  • Liar Liar
  • Maverick (remake)
  • Mean Girls
  • A Mighty Wind
  • Monty Python and The Holy Grail
  • My Cousin Vinny
  • The Naked Gun
  • The Naked Gun 2 1/2
  • Napoleon Dynamite
  • National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation
  • National Lampoon’s European Vacation
  • National Lampoon’s Vacation
  • The Nutty Professor (remake)
  • Office Space
  • Old School
  • Planes, Trains, and Automobiles
  • Role Models
  • Spaceballs
  • Stand by Me
  • Superbad
  • Swingers
  • There’s Something About Mary
  • This Is Spinal Tap
  • Tommy Boy
  • Trading Places
  • Waiting for Guffman
  • Wayne’s World
  • Wedding Crashers
  • When Harry Met Sally…
  • Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
Films I Don’t Know Well (never seen or don’t remember):
  • A Fish Called Wanda
  • Arthur
  • Beetlejuice
  • Beverly Hills Cop
  • Blazing Saddles
  • Broadcast News
  • Bull Durham
  • Dazed and Confused
  • Diner
  • Eurotrip
  • Good Morning, Vietnam
  • Half Baked
  • History of The World, Part I
  • Jackass
  • Life of Brian
  • Lost in America
  • Moonstruck
  • Nine to Five
  • Private Benjamin
  • Raising Arizona
  • Revenge of The Nerds
  • Scary Movie
  • Shaun of The Dead
  • Sixteen Candles
  • South Park Bigger, Longer & Uncut
  • Step Brothers
  • Super Troopers
  • Talladega Nights
  • Tootsie
  • Victor Victoria
  • The Waterboy
  • Weird Science
  • Young Frankenstein

 

Films I Won’t Argue Either Way:

  • The 40-Year-Old Virgin
  • Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure
  • I Love You, Man
  • Jackass:  Number Two
  • The Mask
  • Mrs. Doubtfire
  • Rush Hour
  • The Wedding Singer
Funniest Films (ranked in order):
  1. National Lampoon’s Vacation
  2. Fletch
  3. Coming to America
  4. Waiting for Guffman
  5. Airplane!
  6. The Naked Gun
  7. National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation
  8. Caddyshack
  9. Swingers  
  10. Borat
  11. Planes, Trains, and Automobiles
  12. Spaceballs
  13. National Lampoon’s European Vacation
  14. American Pie
  15. Napoleon Dynamite
  16. Clue
  17. Clerks
  18. The Breakfast Club  
  19. Ace Ventura
  20. When Harry Met Sally…
  21. My Cousin Vinny
  22. Role Models
  23. Clueless
  24. Office Space
  25. Anchorman
  26. Ghostbusters
  27. Stand by Me
  28. This Is Spinal Tap
  29. Tommy Boy
  30. Superbad  
  31. Wayne’s World
  32. Big
  33. Best in Show
  34. The Goonies
  35. Austin Powers
  36. Annie Hall
  37. The Hangover
  38. The Naked Gun 2 ½
  39. Fargo
  40. The Big Lebowski
  41. Old School  
  42. Wedding Crashers
  43. Mean Girls
  44. Father of The Bride
  45. Ferris Bueller’s Day Off
  46. Back to The Future
  47. The Blues Brothers
  48. Maverick
  49. There’s Something About Mary
  50. Dodgeball  
  51. Trading Places
  52. Joe vs. The Volcano
  53. Billy Madison
  54. Liar Liar
  55. The Bugs Bunny/Road Runner Movie
  56. Home Alone
  57. Bridesmaids
  58. A Mighty Wind
  59. Monty Python and The Holy Grail
  60. The Jerk
  61. Knocked Up
  62. The Nutty Professor
  63. Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
  64. Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle
  65. Dumb & Dumber  
  66. Hot Shots! Part Deux
  67. The Informant!
  68. A Bronx Tale
  69. Forrest Gump
Thoughts?  – Rajiv

1 Comment
August 30, 2011

What’s Your Favorite Natural Disaster?

My clip this past Video Friday focused on natural disasters. 

What I want to do with the blog sometimes is use it as a testing ground for new material.  So, in the video, I just rambled.  Now, I’ll just see where my mind goes on paper.  Or screen.

With all due sensitivity to the victims of Hurricane Irene and any in the past, I love natural disasters.  Not the life loss, naturally, but the sheer power of them.   I was actually watching a tornado documentary I DVRd from The Weather Channel last week when news of Irene broke.

It was funny, though, to see CNN still try to scare us. Anything they put in BIG, BLOCK LETTERS looks frightening. But it was amusing to watch it go from…

DEADLY HURRICANE TO WIPE OUT ENTIRE EAST COAST

to…

IRENE, DOWNGRADED TO CATEGORY 2, STILL POSES GREAT DANGER

to…

THREE CATS STRANDED ON ROOF OF STATEN ISLAND HOME

I mean, c’mon.

Anyway, all natural disasters are pretty boss.  Hurricanes, earthquakes, avalanches, volcanoes, cyclones, mudslides, fires, floods, tsunami, dust storms, blizzards, hailstorms… OK, those are all the ones I could list without Wikipedia, which also provided communicable diseases, famines, heat waves, limnic eruptions, and thunderstorms.

I know hurricanes are a subset of cyclones. I should probably write “landslides,” since “mudslides” are a subset. I should’ve gotten heat waves (droughts) and T-storms, although I don’t really think of those as major enough since we got about 50 a year in Cincinnati. That’s one big thing I miss in LA – we don’t get T-storms on anything approaching a regular basis. I wouldn’t consider diseases and famines natural disasters in the same sense as those are distinctly human in nature.

I just learned what “limnic eruptions” are on Wikipedia. They sound pretty legit, too, especially since they happen extremely rarely.

My favorite of all has to be the tornado. It’s just so much energy compressed into a relatively small space. My dream is to see one. I’ve actually kind of been in one – the Atlanta one of March 2008. I was there for an APCA convention – a marketplace to book college gigs. Urban tornadoes are very rare. They are black, much like urban Atlanta.

It got very loud, though we didn’t hear the distinctive, ominous freight train sound, the audio hallmark of a tornado. It blew out windows and caused hundreds of millions of dollars in damages. But I didn’t physically see it.

Since I love tornadoes, I naturally love tornado documentaries. The only thing is the tornado “documentarians” need to better define their target audience. Because I like to just watch a tornado beat the crap out of inanimate objects for an hour. I like the build-up of the music and the crescendo of the actual twister twistin’ the night away, leveling trees and houses.

I don’t care to see the next day, when they show homes. Those belong to people. Now there are Barbie dolls and G.I. Joe action figures strewn all over the place. Actual humans have perished. Tears are being shed. This is now a tragedy.

Take a cue from porn. Once the shot is over, that’s the end of it. I didn’t sign up to see the cleanup and footage of the woman bawling over her relationship with her father and lamenting why she’s a porn actress.

They need to separate these into two films – one of the action and one of the drama. Otherwise, you end up disappointing two segments of the viewing audience.

I’m just sayin’.

Leave a comment
August 15, 2011

Barack Talks History with George, Abe, & Harry

So, I hope the Tea Partiers are all happy for the manufactured crisis in Washington.  For a historical name like Tea Party, they don’t really seem to get history.  They’ve gone from “No Taxation Without Representation” to just “No Taxation.”  If there’s a heaven for Presidents only, I can just imagine Obama sitting around with the greats.  Someone film this sketch:

Obama:  Boy, I went thru some tough times.  Two sides in a bitter fight.

Washington:  You’re telling me.  On our side, we were fighting for our right to not live under tyranny.  We didn’t even exist yet.  We began this entire experiment called America.  We had all of these epic arguments as we were drawing up a Constitution.  We went up against the most lethal machine on the planet, the British Empire.  And after a lot of battles, we won our freedom.  But it was hard.  The stakes were enormous.  Had we lost, the US as we know it would never have come into being.  Imagine that.

Lincoln:  By George, I think I’ve got it.  I feel your pain.  The country was splitting in half.  On one hand, we had the South, fighting to keep their agricultural way of life.  The North was trying to spread Industrialism.  But more importantly, the whole nation physically fought against itself as we were trying to liberate our black brothers and sisters and fulfill the “all men are created equal” part of that same Constitution, Georgie.  If we wouldn’t have succeeded, the United States would have ceased to exist.

Truman:  Sounds dire.  Honestly, Abe, we were engaged in a fight against arguably the most evil man in history.  It was a race against the Germans to see who would develop the most potent force ever known to man.  Had Hitler obtained the atomic bomb, all minorities would be dead.  And all white people would be speaking German.  What about you, Barack?

Obama:  Sounds like a Harry situation.  For my crisis, picture this:  you had the Republicans on one side.  Mostly middle class and poor people were fighting for rich people to hold onto their money.  And on the other, you had Democrats.  They wanted to ensure even rich people were entitled to slightly more money per month.  But we cut a deal.  Had we not… wow.  Rich people would’ve parted with money they wouldn‘t even have noticed.  And the rest of the country would’ve had to work like 45 years instead of 43.

Washington, Lincoln, Truman:  [Blank stare.]

BLACKOUT.

 

2 Comments
August 14, 2011

Shoot First & Ask Questions Later

Like many, I was thinking about the debt crisis.

I have a tendency to just say things or write things and then later decide if I really believe them. It’s part of being an extravert.

“Over time, NO form of government works because ALL societies consume more than they produce.”

Now, I’m trying to figure out if I agree with this. And/or if it’s been said before. If so, by whom? Is it true?

Do we, as humans, simply take more than we give? I mean, we do use up a lot of resources just to stay alive for 72 years. I consider myself to be productive member of society. I mean, I’m even a producer. But am I still more of a consumer?

Over the course of my life, I’ve certainly eaten a lot of food. Has what I brought forth into this world been more valuable?

I don’t think it has.

Thoughts?

Are we all essentially doomed to debt because we’re forever indebted from the beginning?

But if so, to whom?

Hmmm.

4 Comments
August 8, 2011

Rajiv Answers His Own Questions: #3

I’ve now recorded 54 episodes of my weekly hour-long podcast.

My podcast currently has 30 questions that I ask my guests.  (They’re listed in the link above.)  The show is dually entitled, “The Funny Indian Show Podcast” and “The Tangent Show.”  The latter has a double entendre, indicating that we go off on tangents and that I’m a tan… gent.

Since we do veer away from the questions or take one and run with it for minutes on end, we don’t always cover them all.  And that’s fine.  The questions start relatively easy and then become more difficult.  The idea isn’t to stump my guests but rather to banter with them and then try to shed some light on the things in this world that I’m trying to figure out.

Someday, I’ll do an episode in which I provide my take on the questions.  But for now, I thought it’d be neat for me to take them one-by-one on this blog.  Here are #1 and #2.

I redid the numbering of the questions and may even do so again.  But for now, this is question three (and yes, sometimes each question contains multiple queries within it).  Here goes:

3.   What could you give up most easily – books, TV, music, or movies?

TV.

That’s also the most popular answer provided by my guests.

Btw, no cheating.  You can’t answer, “music,” and then try to get around it by watching videos.  Or say, “movies,” and then catch them on TBS instead of at the theater.  You can’t smart-ass it and go, “books,” and then try to listen to Books on Tape.  If you give up music, though, that doesn’t mean you’d have to hold your ears if a song comes on during a movie.  Let’s not be ridiculous.

  • Books:  It’s funny because this is the one people don’t want to say they’d give up.  It kind of reminds me of something my friend, Jon Langdon, said when I asked him about his movie tastes.  He answered, “What do I like or what would I like to like?”  In other words, I think we want to believe the best about ourselves, that we’d choose Citizen Kane and Gone with The Wind as our faves.  But they’re really Office Space and Airplane! Nowhere is this better reflected than in my Netflix queue.  I keep moving Taxi Driver and Bull Durham farther and farther down, while the next DVD in the mail is Entourage:  Season 6.   (Yes, that’s TV.)  And I’ve had Dr. Strangelove in its red envelope at home for no less than six weeks.  So… a lot of people reluctantly sigh and answer, “books.”  But to me, books are like religion.  They’ll become important later in life.  Sure, you learn about religion at an early age and it’s always vital to many people, but I’ve always believed my desire to explore it in more depth will happen as I get older.  And in fact, most of where I’d get my information about religion will be from the good books themselves.  I cannot imagine giving up access to the greatest compendium of knowledge bestowed upon us by our ancestors.  (That’s an example of a sentence I want to be able to say.)  These texts were placed upon this earth for us to read.  Books, more than any other medium of entertainment, represent the highest achievements in human history.  As my author brother, Rakesh, said, ~”If you don’t, at some point, read The Odyssey, you will be a person who has never read The Odyssey.”  I need to not be that person.  Besides, I already am a person who doesn’t have an advanced degree.  Then again, neither does Rakesh.  Ha.
  • Music:  There’s no way I could give up music.  Even though, of the four, it’s the one that’s generally a background experience, it literally provides a soundtrack to our lives.  (Boy, that was cheesy.)  I often have it on while driving or working or socializing.  But I’d probably rather give up ten years of my life than live without it.  To not hear the Beatles or Led Zeppelin (or Ke$ha) ever again?  I can’t imagine that.
  • Movies:  Even though I’m the most avid movie quoter I know, I’ve seen many of the films I’ve wanted to see.  That’s one way to look at this question, to be sure.  I’m not saying you’d had to have given these media up from birth.  It’s kind of like asking whether you’d go blind or deaf or if you’d rather have been born without vision or hearing.  Are the answers different?  I don’t know.  Either would be incredibly difficult, but I’d rather have my eyes from birth.  To never have seen this world would be extremely hard because you’d just have no point-of-reference about so many things.  Going forward, however, I think it’s more of a toss-up.  Interestingly, if you did lose your hearing, you could still experience books and TV and movies but not music.  If you lost your sight, you could still experience books and music but not TV or movies.  So, within the realm of this question, it’d be more challenging to live without seeing.  But, we digress.  Now, you can see why my podcast is called The Tangent Show.  Anyway, the reality with movies (and music) is that they’ve steadily gotten worse over the years.  Dramatic films peaked in the 1970s.  Comedic films peaked in the 1980s.  There are still great movies being made but they are few and far between.  Though it wouldn’t be easy, precisely because my memory for them is so good, I could play flicks back in my head from here on out and enjoy them that way.  (Although I’d appear more and more dated.  I’d be frozen in time.  But that happens to a lot of us.  If you only listen to ’90s on 9 on XM/Sirius, you are kind of living in the past.  You know you’re old when you can’t believe what “kids these days” are watching/listening to/reading.)  Even though I do watch them again and again, for the most part, a movie is something you watch once or twice.  Music you listen to over and over again.  Finally, a lot of the best movies are based on novels (and are widely considered better), so I wouldn’t totally miss out.
  • TV:  I’d give up TV.  (The upside would be that the incentive for me to get on TV would be increased.)  The hard part with TV is that it isn’t monolithic.  It’s made up of shows, sports, and news.  I actually lived without TV for a year when I first moved to LA, ironically the capital of TV.  People say you get used to it.  I didn’t.  Americans watch something like four hours a day.  (My parents thought that was nuts until I told them they have the TV on for about 10 hours a day.  Granted, it’s mostly CNN and MSNBC, but if the box is on FOX, it’s still tox-ic.)  I only watch about two hours – 30 minutes each for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and then 30 more at night to unwind.  In this day and age of the internet, though, it’s easier than ever to give it up.  Not so much because of the content, but the TV used to be our connection to the rest of the world.  Today, it’s our computer.  Still, posting up on the couch and watching my 55″ screen is markedly different from sitting up and watching my laptop.  As they’ve called it, it’s a lean-back vs. lean-forward experience.  Though Scientific American explored whether TV is actually addictive, it did state that watching TV is counter-intuitively draining.  It’s weird.  If you chill on the couch and watch four hours of TV, you’ll find yourself anything but relaxed and refreshed.  Because of the cuts, pans, edits, and zooms, you’re actually working.  I think a lot of people aspire to throw out their television sets.  So, despite the fact that I couldn’t watch TV on the internet (in keeping with the guidelines of this question), I’d give up TV.  I could still read the news.  I could still go to sporting events.  (And I haven’t followed sports closely in about ten years.)  TV is also more of a time commitment, week after week.  It’s literally a pastime, something one does to pass the time.  Movies are event-based; TV is character-based.  It’s a slow build.  Plus, my life has been changed by movies, books, and even music.  I’ve loved a lot of TV shows but I can’t say television is life-changing.  And it’s the only one that’s kind of considered a vice.  “I gotta cut back on my… book-reading?”  Not so much.  Beyond that, entertainment is now so fragmented, reflected in the sheer number of channels, that there isn’t really a water cooler show like Seinfeld or Friends.  Partly because of the rise of niche programming and partly because societal standards are changing, writers are doing more in TV than they ever have, meaning that, while movies and music (and books) worsen… we’re not topping the Gita or the Bible… TV is the best it’s ever been.  Missing out on LOST, The West Wing, The Sopranos, The Wire, Arrested Development, Louie, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Seinfeld, Mad Men, Breaking Bad, Extras, The Office, et al., would be tough, though those are in the past.  But let’s face it:  I was never going to get around to these in my Netflix queue, anyway.

So, in order, I’d give up:

  1. TV
  2. Movies
  3. Music
  4. Books

Good thing I didn’t have “Rajiv’s Blog” as one of the options.  That’d be everyone’s first.

6 Comments
August 2, 2011

Quick Jokes & Thoughts on The Debt Ceiling

I know the debt ceiling crisis is still unfolding but it’s Blog Mondays so I had to stick a pin in it somewhere.

I was in Vegas all week and am about to drive back to LA. (And where is our high-speed rail connecting the two cities? Spend! Spend!)

I did end up doing some jokes onstage here at the Improv at Harrah’s. Here are some of those jokes, some tweets, and some thoughts… some funny, some serious. And I gotta drop this quickly before I hit the road, Jack. Here goes:

THE FUNNY

  • What the government should do is take all $14 trillion, come to Vegas, go to the roulette table, and put it all on “RED.” Try it – see what happens. [This got the biggest applause of any joke all week.]
  • Speaker Boehner, come to Vegas. The House always wins. [I didn't do this one onstage but he was my Representative in Ohio.]
  • I came up with a way of reducing the debt by 25%. Remove the letter “b.” [Thanks for all the comments last week, guys.]
  • We should change the debt ceiling to a debt roof. Obama could do something then. Black are good at raising the roof. [This made me an enemy on Twitter who later became a friend.]

THE SERIOUS

  • We shouldn’t be having this debate now. I agree w/ Bill Maher’s analogy. We’ve already eaten the food. We need to pay the bill. To extend this metaphor, you don’t try to pay off your credit card debt when you can’t afford your gas bill. This is a ridiculous time to cut much-needed spending.
  • As far as taxes, I think we can definitely raise them a bit. Billionaires are not solely job-creators. SOME of them create jobs. But a lot of them are investors and real estate moguls. They’re not all business owners. But even still, I’ll go along with not raising taxes right now. Just raise the debt ceiling and have this debate during budget approval time.
  • I mostly blame the Republicans. Most do. But Obama messed this up by not submitting a budget based on the findings of the very debt commission he created.
  • This is mainly a political problem. We’ve raised the debt ceiling a bunch in the last several decades. This is all part of a ploy by the GOP to follow up on Sen. Mitch McConnell’s plan to make Obama a one-term President. They’re just trying to limit his power so he can’t spend any money on any of his ideas.
  • Obama is like the US dollar. Not a good bet but where else do you put your money?
  • This whole debate only serves to show that NO form of government works because ALL societies consume more than they produce. That’s all.

Finally, we essentially came up with two choices: Kick The Can or Kick The Bucket.

What a situation. Stay tuned…

5 Comments
July 25, 2011

Rajiv Answers His Own Questions: #2

I’ve now recorded 52 episodes of my weekly hour-long podcast.  I’ve dropped one every Thursday (with perhaps two weeks off for Thanksgiving and Christmas) since a year ago.

My podcast currently has 30 questions that I ask my guests.  (They’re listed in the link above.)  The show is dually entitled, “The Funny Indian Show Podcast” and “The Tangent Show.”  The latter has a double entendre, indicating that we go off on tangents and that I’m a tan… gent.

Since we do veer away from the questions or take one and run with it for minutes on end, we don’t always cover them all.  And that’s fine.  The questions start relatively easy and then become more difficult.  The idea isn’t to stump my guests but rather to banter with them and then try to shed some light on the things in this world that I’m trying to figure out.

Someday, I’ll probably do an episode in which I provide my take on the questions.  But for now, I thought it’d be neat for me to take them one-by-one on this blog.  Here’s #1.

I redid the numbering of the questions and may even do so again.  But for now, this is question two (and yes, sometimes each question contains multiple queries within it).  Here goes:

2.   What kind of music do you like?  Which artist or album speaks to you?  What’s your ish?

( “Ish” is slang for “sh*t,” i.e., what’s the stuff that you really love?)

As it is for many people, music is something that is near and dear to my heart.  I once recounted my Record of Records, which detailed every album I had loved throughout my life (reprised below).  Despite its length, it routinely gets a surprisingly high number of hits.

Many comics are failed (or to put it nicely, “aspiring”) musicians.  One difference between a comedy and a music show (concert) is the crowd will do a musician’s job for him and sing the song.  Lucky.  Comedy audiences don’t do that for us.

I could go on and on in this post, as well, as it’s such an expansive topic.  But allow me to provide some quick lists, sprinkled with some commentary.  So, this represents 10 ways to answer the question:  What kind of music do you like?

1.  Favorites

  • Song:  “Stairway to Heaven”
  • Album:  The Wall
  • Act:  The Beatles

Most Generic Answers to These Queries

Rajiv’s Above List

Seriously.  Those are some fairly unoriginal answers.  There’s a difference between “best” and “favorite,” the former implying a consensus and the latter one’s personal taste.  It just so happens that I tend to agree with a lot of people who would provide these same replies.

Here’s an interesting paradox:  “Stairway to Heaven” is the best song ever but is not Led Zeppelin’s best song.

I went through a two-year period from senior year of high school through freshman year of college during which time I listened to LZ just about every day.  As such a die-hard fan, I must say that my favorite LZ song is “Babe I’m Gonna Leave You.”  My Beatles kick wasn’t as long as my Zeppelin one, but it was more intense.  The Fab Four then displaced Zep as my favorite act.

The Wall is simply perfect.  I love The Dark Side of The Moon, as well, but The Wall is sublime.  You know how a lot of potheads have listened to Dark Side and watched The Wizard of Oz at the same time to see if they match up?  And the same thing for Wish You Were Here and 2001:  A Space Odyssey?  Well, I simultaneously played The Wall by Pink Floyd and Off The Wall by Michael Jackson and… nothing happened.  Guess they canceled each other out.

2.  The Last 10 Songs I Matched on Shazam

I use the iPhone app, “Shazam,” a lot.  When you hear a song, you open up the app, hold up your phone, and within seconds, the program tells you the title and artist.  They need to make the same thing for people, because I forget their names all the time.  Wouldn’t that be great?  Someone you just can’t remember is walking towards you.  You snap a picture and within seconds… “Oh, hey, Rob!”  Somebody invent that.  Call it “Who Dis?” 

  1. “The King and All of His Men” – Wolf Gang
  2. “Perfect Strangers” – Deep Purple
  3. “Help Yourself” – Sad Brad Smith
  4. “Take Over Control” – Afrojack feat. Eva Simons
  5. “Pumped Up Kicks” – Foster The People
  6. “Tonight Tonight” – Hot Chelle Rae
  7. “Fake Plastic Trees” – Radiohead
  8. “99 Problems” – Hugo
  9. “PS., I Love You” – Curtis Mayfield
  10. “Silver Lining” – Rilo Kiley

3.  My Pandora Stations

  • Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart
  • Ray Charles
  • U2
  • Bruce Springsteen
  • Jai Ho
  • Drake
  • Blink 182
  • The Killers
  • TV on The Radio
  • Dean Martin, Frank Sinatra, & Sammy Davis, Jr.
  • Jay-Z
  • Van Morrison
  • Beastie Boys

4.  My Current iTunes Playlist

Ever since my old iPod crashed and I stopped using Limewire & switched to iTunes, my iPod isn’t quite as up-to-date.  But for me, this is a fairly typical – and embarrassing – list.   Two Shakira songs?  Really?

  • “Runaway” – Kanye West
  • “Into The Mystic” – Van Morrison
  • “Give Me One Good Reason” – blink-182
  • “Going Away to College” – blink-182
  • “Dumpweed” – blink-182
  • “Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” – Lauryn Hill
  • “Might Just Let It Go” – Jack Johnson
  • “Cupid’s Chokehold” – Gym Class Heroes
  • “I Like That” – Richard Vission & Static Revenger feat. Luciana
  • “I Rep That West” – Ice Cube
  • “Exit Music (For a Film)” – Radiohead
  • “Ready Steady Go” – Paul Oakenfold
  • “Can I Have It Like That” – Pharrell feat. Gwen Stefani
  • “Let’s Get Retarded” – The Black Eyed Peas
  • “Hips Don’t Lie” – Shakira
  • “What’s Luv?” – Fat Joe feat. Ashanti & Ja Rule
  • “Carry Out” – Timbaland feat. Justin Timberlake
  • “Blow The Whistle” – Too Short
  • “Mahi Ve” – Kal Ho Naa Ho
  • “Headsprung” – LL Cool J
  • “Waka Waka” – Shakira
  • “Shut Up” – The Black Eyed Peas
  • “Marjaani Marjaani Kasame” – Billu Barber

5.  My Favorite Karaoke Songs

I can’t carry a tune in a bucket.  I did take a few singing lessons in December as it’s something I always wanted to do.  My problem is what is known as “pitch perception.”  It’s just very difficult for me to stay in-tune.  I can hear it (and was on-key for most of my years playing the viola in the Dorkestra) but I have a hard time replicating it.  However, I’ll karaoke like a Filipino.  Unlike dancing, I don’t need a drink quota to do it, either.  Just gimme a mic.  The last time was a few weeks ago on Fire Island, about 1.5 hours from NYC.  I did several of my favorites, some of which I can actually halfway sing and some that are so ridiculous to watch me attempt that I just have to do them.  I’ll let you try to picture which falls into which category.

  • “I Think I Love You” – The Partridge Family
  • “Teenage Dirtbag” – Wheatus
  • “Runaway” – Kanye West
  • “Without Me” – Eminem
  • “The Way I Am” – Eminem
  • “The Gambler” – Kenny Rogers
  • “Bawitdaba” – Kid Rock
  • “We Didn’t Start The Fire” – Billy Joel
  • [Any Popular Rap Song circa 1989*]

*This includes:

  • It Takes Two – Rob Base & DJ EZ Rock
  • Bust A Move – Young MC
  • Ice Ice Baby – Vanilla Ice
  • Wild Thing – Tone Loc
  • U Can’t Touch This – MC Hammer

6.  Favorite Music (According to My Facebook Profile)

  • Chopin
  • Ke$ha

When people ask me what kind of music I listen to, I used to love to respond with “country and rap,” because those were the two people didn’t mean when they tried to be eclectic and answered, “everything.”  That doesn’t really work anymore because:

  1. While Rap is actually a subset of Hip-Hop, hardly anyone calls it that these days.
  2. Everyone listens to hip-hop.

I would say my tastes are rather wide, though.  And I think that as long as an artist is good at whatever s/he’s attempting to do, it can be good.  Ke$ha, Britney Spears, and Justin Bieber make great pop.  They’re not Chopin.  And they’re not trying to be Chopin.  Comedy is whatever makes you laugh.  Music is whatever sounds good to you.

Stuff I Hate

Just as there’s a difference between “best” and “favorite,” and between “enjoyment” and “appreciation,” there’s a difference between “sucks” and “overrated.”  The Black Eyed Peas have an almost magical ability to release alternatingly good and terrible tracks.  But I’d never say they suck.  Anyone that big doesn’t SUCK.  Your friend’s garage band sucks.  The Black Eyed Peas are overrated.   Nickelback is good at what they do.  Which is sucking.

Honestly, Nickelback makes Foreigner look like Led Zeppelin.

I don’t tend to listen to anything too hard-core, whether that’s heavy metal or rap or industrial (although I went through these phases).  I don’t hate it – I just don’t really have a Virgil on stuff like that.

While I’ll intermittently listen to stations such as Bluegrass and Opera just for fun, I don’t know a ton about them.  The genres I know well enough to hate are:  most techno (especially trance), a lot of R&B (the great stuff is great but people like Anita Baker put me right to sleep), and most of all, Smooth Jazz.  I’m not talking John Coltrane or Louis Armstrong, who obviously rule, but that elevator music crap with names like Watercolors on XM/Sirius Radio.  I’d rather listen to Satanic Death Metal.

7.  My Modes

I don’t really have moods.  So, when a song comes on and I just like it, I’ll usually listen to it.  It more depends on the “mode” I’m in.  Usually…

  • Reading/Thinking – Classical (in the vernacular; baroque and romantic are fine, too); Jazz (anything without words)
  • Cleaning – Upbeat, fun stuff like the Beatles or punk (The Ramones, Weezer)
  • Driving – Mashups like Girl Talk
  • Raging (in the traditional sense of being pissed off; not partying):  Eminem, NWA, Metallica, Tupac, and appropriately, Rage Against The Machine
  • Balling – Hip-Hop
  • Bawling – Any of the songs on The Definitive Sad Songs List

8.  YouTube Playlist

I have an unfinished YouTube playlist of the coolest songs I know.  Just tracks that I think are dope.  Pull it up at work if you’re bored.

9.  My XM/Sirius Presets

I’ll list them by # Channel Number – Name:  Description (Notes, if applicable).

  • #3 – 20 on 20:  The Latest Pop Music and More (how I stay “hip”)
  • #5 – ’50s on 5:  ’50s Pop Hits (how I stay “hip,” referring to the body part)
  • #9 – ’90s on 9:  ’90s Pop Hits (*)
  • #11 – KIIS:  KIIS FM Los Angeles (how I stay connected to my city)
  • #26 – Classic Vinyl:  ’60s and ’70s Classic Rock (my “ish”)
  • #33 – 1st Wave:  Classic Alternative (to me, “alternative” is a philosophy, not a genre, but hey)
  • #36 – Alt Nation:  New Alternative Rock (how I stay in-touch w/ the hipsters)
  • #44 – Hip-Hop Nation:  Hip-Hop Hits (how I stay hip-hop)
  • #45 – Shade 45:  Eminem’s Uncut Hip-Hop Channel (tribute to my fave hip-hop artist)
  • #46 – Backspin:  Old Skool Rap (when rap was rap)
  • #47 – The Heat:  R&B Hits (for the ladies, whose hips don’t lie)
  • #99:  Raw Dog Comedy:  Comedy Uncensored (my stuff actually plays on the other one, but hey)

*90s on 9 – The ’90s were not as good as the previous three decades.  I’d say music peaked in the ’60s (probably in 1969) and has steadily declined since.  But I like ’90s on 9 more than ’80s on 8 and ’70s on 7 and ’60s on 6.  (Not sure what this past decade was called.  The Naughts?  The Oughts?  I just called it “today,” because FM mix stations said they played “the best of the ’80s, ’90s, and today.”)  Why do I like ’90s on 9 the best then, if I think the preceding decades had better music?  Because I started listening to music consistently in 1985.  So, I missed half the decade.  I know pretty much all songs that came out on the radio since ’85, so there’s nostalgia attached to just about every ‘90s song.  There was some crap in the ‘90s, though:  If that was Better Than Ezra, I’d hate to hear Ezra.

10.  Record of Records

As I mentioned above, here’s the list of albums that influenced my life, starting with the year I listened to them.  I kept track only thru 2000.

  • 1982:  Michael Jackson - Thriller
  • 1983:  Various – [Country Compilations]
  • 1987:  The Beastie Boys – Licensed to Ill
  • 1988:  ABBA – The Singles
  • 1988:  Various – Cruisin’ Classics
  • 1990:  Rob Base & DJ EZ Rock:  It Takes Two
  • 1990:  They Might Be Giants – Flood
  • 1990:  Depeche Mode – 101
  • 1991:  NWA – Niggaz 4 Life
  • 1990:  MC Hammer – Please Hammer Don’t Hurt ‘Em
  • 1991:  R.E.M. – Out of Time
  • 1991:  Simon & Garfunkel – The Concert in Central Park
  • 1991:  Metallica – Metallica
  • 1991:  Metallica - …And Justice for All
  • 1991:  Steven Wright – I Have a Pony
  • 1993:  Dennis Miller – The Off-White Album
  • 1993:  Denis Leary – No Cure for Cancer
  • 1993:  Pink Floyd – The Wall
  • 1993:  Led Zeppelin – [The Box Set]
  • 1993:  The Jerky Boys – The Jerky Boys
  • 1993:  Snoop Doggy Dogg – Doggystyle
  • 1994:  Garth Brooks – The Hits
  • 1994:  Various – The Soundtrack of American Graffiti
  • 1994:  Various – Forrest Gump The Soundtrack
  • 1994:  Weezer – Weezer [Blue]
  • 1997:  The Beatles [All]
  • 1999:  Fiona Apple:  Tidal
  • 1999:  Various – Classical Music for People Who Hate Classical Music
  • 2000:  Dave Matthews Band – Before These Crowded Streets

In Conclusion

There’s a question I’m thinking of adding to my podcast for comedians:

If your comedy were music, which genre or artist would it be?

My answer:  The Beastie Boys

Master lyricists.  Witty.  Self-deprecating.  Broadly appealing.  If you answer “The Beastie Boys,” to “Who’s your favorite group?” you’re the coolest in the widest number of circles.  That’s my theory.  And that’s my aspiration.  And hopefully not my failure.  Ha.

2 Comments
July 18, 2011

Isn’t It Ironic? Don’t You Think?

“Yeah, I really do think.”

I don’t think it’s ironic but I do think a lot. And so I thought about irony.

On Friday, I dropped a blog post that, along with the rest of the city, predicted Carmageddon, an event that was to back up traffic all over Los Angeles.

It didn’t happen.  Was it a hoax?  No, it wasn’t Y2K.  The Year 2000 bug truly seemed to be a hoax because it doesn’t stand to reason that ALL companies fixed ALL systems just in time to avert disaster.  It was illogical.  I remember airlines even stating they were only 95% ready.  And I never knew if that meant that 95% of flights were going to make it to their destinations or that all flights were going to make it 95% of the way.  Neither seemed comforting.

That Carmageddon didn’t happen was due to the very fact that people heeded the warning signs and stayed home.   The same thing happened for the 1984 Olympics.

Isn’t that ironic?

No.  It’s just logical.

And because everyone from Alanis Morissette to Ironic T-shirt designers seem to make this mistake, let’s try to uncover what “irony” truly is.   I welcome all comments because I am only 95% sure that I have this right.

Isn’t that ironic?

NO.

The weird part was that I was already working on this blog post about “irony” before I dropped the Carmaggedon one.

Isn’t THAT ironic?

NO!

Let’s dive in.

Definition

According to Wikipedia…

Irony is a…

  • Rhetorical Device, or a
  • Literary Technique, or a
  • Situation

…in which there is a…

“sharp incongruity beyond the evident intention of words or actions.”

The origin of the word hails from “feigned ignorance.”

Isn’t it ironic that, though the origin of the word implies people using it as a technique while they feign ignorance, most people who use it now actually don’t know what it means?

YES.

Why are so many confused?   Because it’s confusing.  I did some Googling, which these days mostly means Wikipeding.  Why can’t you just read the wiki for “Irony”?  Honestly, after hours of poring over it, I had to do further research on other terms inside and outside of Wikipedia before I was clear.  So, I think my post is clearer.

Types

There are two types of irony – intentional and unintentional.  Here are definitions and examples:

Intentional

  • Verbal Irony – Ironic statements that typically and intentionally imply a meaning opposite to their literal meaning, i.e., Expression vs. Intention.  This can take on two forms.  For example, let’s assume it’s storming outside.
    • Overstatement in the form of sarcasm:  “What a lovely day.”
    • Understatement in the form of litotes:  “Well, it is not dry.”
  • Socratic Irony – Feigned ignorance on the part of the questioner to lure the interlocutor into a logic trap.  A modern-day example was the main character in the 1970s TV show, Columbo, who seemed naïve and bumbling.   He is underestimated by his suspects, who let their guards down and are therefore outwitted by Columbo.

Unintentional

  • Situational/Cosmic Irony – The actions that occur are the opposite of what was intended.
    • Historical Irony – Time passes and exposes two events that juxtaposed look ironic (e.g., gunpowder was discovered by alchemists looking for an elixir of immortality).
    • Irony of Fate – Irony that stems from the conflict between human intention and reality; it implies that the Gods are laughing at us.  Examples:
      • This one actually just happened to me.  I was at an intersection, waiting to turn left.  But as the oncoming car moved forward, he wasn’t indicating, so I wasn’t sure if he was going straight or turning left.  I was getting a little pissed because I couldn’t go until I knew what he was doing.  Then it occurred to me that I myself didn’t have my left turn signal on, which was the very thing preventing him from moving, because he didn’t know if I was going turning or going straight.  I indicated and turned left; he then turned left.
      • An ambulance runs over the victim.
      • In 1974, the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission recalled 80,000 lapel buttons promoting “toy safety” because they had sharp edges, used lead paint, and had small clips that could be swallowed.
      • In 1981, John Hinckley, Jr. fired shots at President Ronald Reagan, which all missed, but the one that got him ricocheted off of the bullet-proof limousine and hit Reagan, which was the very thing that was supposed to protect him.

  • Dramatic Irony – A theatrical technique in which the audience knows something the character doesn’t.
    • Tragic Irony – A subset of dramatic irony, it usually involves a character doing something contrary to his desires, thereby hurting himself.  Examples:
      • The prophecy is that Oedipus will kill his father and marry his mother.   He kills a man but, at this point in the story, only we know that that was his father.
      • Romeo thinks Juliet is dead and so kills himself while we know Julie is merely asleep.  Juliet then sees Romeo is dead and kills herself.

Comic (as opposed to “cosmic”) irony simply means that the intent on the part of the speaker/writer using irony as a rhetorical device or literary technique is humorous.  Verbal irony, thus, can be comic.   Dramatic irony could be comical, also, if something positive happens to the character.  “I guess I’ll die a pauper,” says the character, as we in the audience knows he’s about to win the lottery.

Whether one finds a situation funny depends upon the point-of-view of the listener/reader.  A mean-spirited person might find Reagan’s being harmed by his own bullet-proof limo humorous.  When most people say, “That’s funny,” they simply mean something is incongruous.   It can either be “funny-ha-ha” or “funny-weird.”  In Reagan’s case, I’d purport that’s funny-weird.  This does not qualify as comic irony.

Related Concepts

To clarify the difference between irony and a litany of other terms:

  • Satire – The use of irony, sarcasm, ridicule, or the like, in exposing, denouncing, or deriding vice, folly, etc.  Not all satire is irony.  This is the broadest term in this post.  Having stated that, not all irony falls under satire.  All intentional irony is satire.
  • Sarcasm – Mocking, contemptuous, or ironic language intended to insult.  There’s a large overlap but not all satire is irony and not all irony is sarcasm.  Some linguists do consider sarcasm a subset of irony but sarcasm generally simply involves intentional, biting wit.
  • Coincidence – Two or more occurrences merely happening at the same time.
    • A positive one is serendipity.
    • A negative one is misfortune or accident. (For clarity, “accident” denotes neither something positive nor negative but connotes something negative, i.e., Counting Crows sang about being “Accidentally in Love,” which is different from getting in a car accident (but is an accident of a song – ha).)

  • Paradox – A statement or group of statements that leads to a contradiction or a situation that seems to defy logic or intuition, e.g., “this statement is false.”  Not all paradoxes are ironic.  Not all ironies are paradoxes.
  • Oxymoron – A figure of speech combining contradictory terms.  George Carlin joked about “military intelligence” and “freedom fighters,” but that, like comic irony, depends upon one’s point-of-view.  Literary oxymora can be constructed to illustrate a paradox:   “old news,” “open secret,” “irregular pattern,” “deafening silence,” “serious joke,” and “virtual reality.”  Other oxymora are simply puns, like “jumbo shrimp” or “pretty ugly.”  If one were to steal jewelry in the hood, that could be called “hot ice.”  Not all paradoxes are verbal irony. Not all verbal ironies are paradoxes. Not all oxymora are paradoxes. Not all paradoxes are oxymora.

  • Self-fulfilling Prophecy – A prediction that directly or indirectly causes itself to become true due to positive feedback between belief and behavior.  Examples:
    • A psychic prognosticates that you’re going to get into a car accident.   Because you’re so worried about getting into a car accident and become overly careful and tentative, you actually do.
    • In Hinduism, in the tale of Lord Krishna, the evil king Kamsa is told in a prophecy that the 8th son of his sister, Devaki, will kill him.  Kamsa, not wanting to kill his sister, imprisons Devaki and her husband, allowing them to live if they hand over their children as they’re born. They do and, not wanting to take any chances, he kills all of them.  But the 7th and 8th children, Balarama and Krishna, escape (in stories too complicated to explain here).  So that Good may triumph over Evil, Krishna kills Kamsa. The prophecy is fulfilled, whereas this may never have happened had Kamsa not killed all of Krisna’s siblings in the first place.  That is an example of situational/cosmic irony.   All self-fulfilling prophecies are situational/cosmic ironies whereas not all situational/cosmic ironies are self-fulfilling prophecies.

Hypothetical Examples
Here’s an illustration of some satirical responses.   Some terms are not defined as they’re obvious, such as “understatement.”

A woman tells her friend that, instead of going to a doctor to cure her cancer, she’s going to a spiritual healer instead.   Her friend’s response can fall into several categories:

  • Sarcasm:  “What a brilliant idea – I’m sure that’ll cure you.”
  • Hyperbole:  “That’s the best idea I’ve heard in years!”
  • Understatement: “What the hell… it’s only cancer.”
  • Rhetorical Question:  “Does your spirit have cancer?”
  • Jocularity:  “Get them to fix your back while you’re at it!”
  • Double Entendre:  “I bet that if you do that, you’ll be communicating with spirits in no time” (one meaning being that she’ll talk to spirits through her healer and the other one being that she herself will be dead and can talk to spirits as a spirit).

Pop Cultural Examples

Seinfeld covered “irony” at length.

Here’s one:

The Subway (1992)

Here’s the link.  Forward to 0:39.  Video is not embeddable.  Here’s the scene, written out:

INT.  Subway – Day.  ELAINE stands, carrying a wedding present.  An older WOMAN approaches her.

WOMAN:  I started riding these trains in the ’40s.  Those days a man would give up his seat for a woman.  Now we’re liberated, we have to stand.

ELAINE:  It’s ironic.

WOMAN:  What’s ironic?

ELAINE:  This.  That we’ve come all this way, we’ve made all this progress, but you know, we’ve lost the little things, the niceties.

WOMAN:  No, what does “ironic” mean?

Here’s another:

The Cheever Letters (1992)

INT.  JERRY’s apartment – Day.

JERRY:  Well, you’ll make quite an impression on him when you tell him how you burned his cabin down.

GEORGE:   I didn’t burn it down – Kramer did!

JERRY:  I mean, the whole thing is ironic.  Think of it:  Here the guy is nice enough to give you a box of very fine Cuban cigars…

GEORGE:  Yeah, I know what happened.

JERRY:  No, but wait, wait.  And then you dump them off onto Kramer…

GEORGE:  I know!

JERRY:  …Who, who proceeds to burn the man’s cabin down with one of those very same cigars!  It’s very comical.

And finally, here’s another (coincidentally, also from the same year):

The Virgin (1992)

INT.  Monk’s Coffee Shop – Day.

JERRY:  You know, it’s a very interesting situation.  Here you have a job that can help you get girls.  But you also have a relationship.  But if you try to get rid of the relationship so you can get girls, you lose the job.  You see the irony?

GEORGE:  Yeah, yeah, I see the irony.

Ironic Ts

According to Urban Dictionary, an “ironic tee shirt” is a “trendy tee-shirt with humorous, ironic, or clever slogan or image.”

The sad, if not tragic, part is that an ironic T-shirt doesn’t have to be ironic, by definition.  Note “or.”

Just because a dude in his 20s or 30s sports a Pac-Man T-shirt doesn’t make it ironic.   A grown man loving a children’s game is just funny, as in “different.”   But there’s nothing that prevents adults from liking kid stuff.  When Jerry ate cereal or talked about Superman on Seinfeld, that wasn’t ironic.  It was just funny.  They’re probably better named “Sarcastic Ts.”  But only if an adult is wearing them.  If a kid wears a Pac-Man T-shirt, there’s no irony or sarcasm implied.  To some extent, when an adult dons the T, he is “laughing at” vs. “laughing with” Pac-Man.  Again, it’s the intention (state of awareness) that makes it verbal irony.  If there’s no awareness, it’s situational irony.

Some of the thirteen mug shots in the Huffington Post article T-shirts are ironic and some are not.  I’ve included the captions verbatim as the Huff Post had ‘em:

The Domestic Violence Charge Would Say Otherwise

Yes.  He’s stating that he loves his marriage but he’s arrested for beating his wife.

Get Ready America

Yes.  She’s wearing a shirt meant for models but she’s “pretty ugly.”

Done and Done

No.  His shirt reads “Go to Jail” and that’s where he is.  That’s coincidental.

Grandpa's Free Shirt From 'Judge Dredd'

I don’t know what this caption even means.  But, as far as his shirt goes, yes, it’s ironic that “the law” would be under arrest.

Ahem. Perhaps It is.

It might be ironic but we don’t know have enough information to make the call because we don’t know what he did to go to jail. Stupidity is NOT a crime. If he did something very stupid and then went to jail wearing this shirt, then it would be ironic.

Charles Barkley No. This Guy Yes.

Yes.  He obviously doesn’t look like a role model.

Finally, An Authority

It’s ironic only if he committed some kind of sex crime against females.

Sure, As Long As You Wear The Shirt

No.  I can only imagine a wild scenario in which it would be.

But Don't Let Him Change This Shirt

It’s hard to tell because I can’t read it all.

Yet Back in Jail

Yes because he’s clearly not out on bail.

Yes. Yes It Was.

Yes, if he did it.

She Also Hearts Irony

No, it’s not ironic even if she got busted for possession because she’s stating she loves weed.  Just funny.

But This Shirt Is

No.  He’s implying he’s not perfect and he’s not because he has an arrest record.  Coincidence.

Maybe, since ironic Ts rarely are ironic but are close to it, they should be renamed “ironic tease.”

Not surprisingly, a lot of people who wear ironic Ts are alternative or “alt” standup comics.  I’m friends with a lot of these guys and I love ‘em.  But sometimes, a technique they use onstage irritates me.  A guy will tell a joke ironically (sarcastically).  It’ll be a pun or some kind of device he feels is below him.  The audience will laugh.  Then the comic will make some kind of condescending sound to distance himself from the joke, as if it’s only a joke some club comic would use, as if he’s too cool to use such a device.  But to me, the joke is on him.  The irony is that, without the joke, the audience wouldn’t have laughed.  They laughed at your joke, dude!  If you act as if you’re above the joke, well, then you’re also condescending to the crowd members, because they just laughed.  In my opinion, if you’re going to use the device, then own it.  If you were really too good to use the device, you wouldn’t have used it in the first place.  And that’s the irony.

At the same time, what these comedians are doing is playing things “ironically,” which has come to mean the opposite of “sincerely.” (This concept is covered remarkably well by a Brit and decently in a Stuff White People Like post.) Think of single-camera vs. multi-camera comedies. Multi-camera refers to the traditional sitcom, complete with a studio audience (and sometimes punched-up laugh track). These almost always contained a lesson and some kind of realism. In the 2000s, though there are exceptions, that sort of thing went out of vogue. (Seinfeld bridged this gap as it was filmed in front of a studio audience but deliberately evinced no moral growth on the part of the characters.) Enter in the single-camera style, which looks more like film and follows people around, like The Office and Curb Your Enthusiasm. They follow the concept of postmodernism, which asserts that everything has been done and therefore all art is self-referential. In this way, comedy is now primarily ironic. I think back to my Upright Citizens Brigade improv days. The opposite of playing a scene committed is playing it ironically detached. So, it’s a way of not becoming emotionally vested but rather staying above the fray. If done well, it’s brilliant. But if it’s a way to simply avoid finding the real joke and meaning, it’s kind of a cop-out.

Alanis

Ah, Alanis.  The one whose song brought “irony” into the zeitgeist for so long.

 

It was made fun of a number of times.

The ironic thing is that this parody itself contains many examples of things that are not ironic.

College Humor’s take may be brilliant but I cannot understand what she’s saying.

Matt Sturges painstakingly examined her song, and while I wouldn’t say he got it all correct, his attempt is impressive.

The standup comic Ed Byrne did a masterful job of lampooning Alanis.

Solutions

So, how do you avoid the trap?  It’s best to first determine whether the irony is intentional or unintentional.   If somebody is merely being sarcastic, yes, this is verbal irony, and you really cannot go wrong saying the person is “being ironic.”

But when events happen, ask yourself what the contradiction is. If there isn’t one, it’s not ironic and is most likely “coincidental“ or just “weird”/“funny.”

One way to think about irony is to examine its elements.

  • Incongruity:  Look for things that appear to be different, discordant, out-of-sync, funny, or weird.
  • Opposites:  Check to see if there’s an “opposite” quality involved.  Irony doesn’t usually imply simply the existence of two weird things; that’s often just a “coincidence.”  When you try to explain something you think is ironic, generally the words “very” or “actually” or “really” should come out.  Note my Susan B. Anthony example below.
  • Tension:  Irony has an uneasy quality.  There’s something “off” about it.  It’s generally negative, whereas coincidences are generally positive.
  • Loops:  This is perhaps the true key to uncovering irony.  Make sure there’s a twist and that the loop is closed.  Most of the occurrences in Alanis Morissette’s song, “Ironic,” are merely unfortunate because there’s nothing to imply any sort of intention to begin with.  A great example is O. Henry’s story, The Gift of The Magi, in which a couple is too poor to buy Christmas gifts.  So, the wife sells her hair to buy her husband a chain for his watch.  At the same time, he pawns his watch to buy her a set of combs for her hair.  You see how the loop is closed?

And so is this topic.

Well, maybe not entirely.  My own act may contain a misuse of irony.

“I’m not a chauvinist, but when I go to strip clubs, I don’t give the girls dollar bills.  I toss ‘em Susan B. Anthony coins for the irony.”

You see, the Susan B. Anthony dollar coin signifies women’s liberation.  Yet, they are still subjugated to roles such as stripping.  So, it’s insulting to throw their very symbol of freedom at them when they’re demonstrating how little progress they’ve actually made.

To me, that’s clear irony.  What say you?

OK, so now the topic is closed.

Well, till someone corrects me.  I’ll bet by writing that the topic is closed, this may inflame people to the point that they must write comments and therefore make me amend the post, thereby ensuring the topic is not closed.

That’d be a self-fulfilling prophecy.  And situational irony.  Or maybe it’s verbal irony because I’m aware of it.

Geez, after all that, I still don’t know anything.

I’m just being sarcastic.

I think.

Don’t you?

Rajiv Satyal is a standup comedian. He completed his Materials Engineering degree from the University of Cincinnati, studying metallurgy and therefore Iron at length.

5 Comments
July 15, 2011

Are You Really Gettin’ It?

It’s now international news.  I mean, it’s even big enough for me to drop a post on a Friday instead of on Blog Mondays.

The 405 between the 10 and the 101 freeways is closing tonight for 53 hours.

Everybody’s talking about it. Even Hitler.

When I hosted last night at Laugh Factory, I started by asking if everyone was sick of hearing about “Carmaggedon,” as we’re calling it.  “YES” came back in unison.

We’re more scared of this than the Rapture.  Of course, there’s always the possibility that people stay home and traffic is less.  After all, it was down 30% during the 1984 Olympics.  (That was my first trip to LA.)  But that was almost 30 years ago.  There’s more traffic.  And word about this shutdown didn’t reach outside of SoCal till recently.  In fact, I asked who was here from out-of-town last night onstage and a good contingent was.  They all sighed because they didn’t know about it in advance.

Can we even call them “freeways” in LA?  They’re never free.  Just call them “highways” because that’s what you have to be to venture out on them.

(Or Ventura out on them.)

And to those of you who don’t live in LA…

Yes, we use the definite article “the” to refer to our highways.

Yes, the 405 is the also known as the San Diego Freeway.  It’s the main thoroughfare for the West Side of Los Angeles.

Fast facts on highways:

  • A freeway is a subset of a highway.  It’s a road that has no stoppages (no tolls, no intersections, etc.).  That’s why it’s “free.”
  • “Interstate” can refer to a road that runs between states but in the vernacular (and vehicular) it usually means a highway developed as part of the US Interstate System and doesn’t necessarily have to cross a state border.
  • And I knew some of these but Snopes breaks it down for you:  East-West interstates have even numbers.  North-South have odd.  Numbers grow larger west-to-east, so the 5 runs through California while I-95 cuts from Maine to Florida.  Then there are 3-digit interstates:  an odd number is a spur running into a city whereas an even number loops around a metro area.  I-195 runs off of I-95 to the BWI Airport outside of Baltimore.  275 circles Cincinnati.  675 branches off of 75 near Dayton.  The 710 branches off of the 10 highway near LA.  The 405 bypasses the 5.
  • “Life Is a Highway” is a song by Tom Cochrane.  It was remade by the Rascal Flatts.
  • “Interstate Love Song” is by Stone Temple Pilots.
  • “Freeway of Love” is a song by Aretha Franklin.
  • “Free Love Freeway” is a song by David Brent.
  • “Highway to Hell” is a song by AC/DC.
  • “Head down the 405″ is a lyric from “I’m No Superman” by the Violet Burning.

And those last two are most appropriate for this situation.  I first read about this historic closure a few weeks ago when I was driving back up from the OC on those huge boards that extend over most highways.  It read, ~”405 from 10 to 101 closed July 16 and 17 – Expect Big Delays.”

It was the “Big” that caught my attention because municipal departments rarely use adjectives.  It was rather jarring because I was on the 405 around midnight.

Whenever I’m tearing up the 405 at night and can actually exceed the speed limit…

…though I only wrote “can” in case the 5-0s read this…

…I always think of how nice the 405 is being to me at this point in time. I have that War song, “Why Can’t We Be Friends?” going through my mind.  Seriously, 405, you’re so kind when it’s just the two of us alone together.  Why do you have to be such a bitch when there are others around?

And the irony is that we are gonna hate the 405 more closed than open.

I cannot think of a stretch of highway that could be more disruptive to shut down in the world.  And yeah, yeah, yeah, there’s some road in India or China or outside of Toronto that’s busier, but… but… but… our cars are more expensive, so there.  The amount of money moving over our asphalt per second is greater than yours.

Why do we have such expensive cars?  Well, we’re superficial and we judge you based on what you drive.  We spend our lives in our cars so we gotta have a nice home-away-from-home.  And, according to Albert Hammond, “It Never Rains in Southern California.”  I mean, we don’t have to winterize, so why not spend that extra cash?

That’s the deal when you live in LA.  You trade traffic for weather.  That’s usually only a good deal for people like me since I work from home all day and only head out at night.

And I’m prepared.  I hit Ralph’s and Trader Joe’s yesterday to stock up for the weekend.  I even had the most relaxed TV audition of my life as I was almost praying against a callback for Saturday or Sunday. I intend to leave my car parked in my spot till Monday morning.

So, here’s what I suggest.  Buck all of those stupid businesses that are doing crazy things like asking you to present your San Fernando driver’s license for 20% discounts in Santa Monica.  For once, stay in.  That LA is a big suburb without an urban feel for once can be a good thing.  There are coffee shops and libraries and pubs around you.  This can be our “lights out in New York” moment.  Go for a walk.  Meet your neighbors.  Buy local produce.  Hit the bar down the street.  Enjoy the weather – you don’t have to go to the beach to do that.  Breathe in the air – the smog situation has gotten much better.  Realize we still live in Los Angeles – this is the good life.  Smile a natural smile and not a Botox one.  This town needs that.

—–

Rajiv is a standup comedian.  He resides in Los Angeles.  And for this weekend, splitting time on his balcony and at Laurel Tavern in Studio City.

4 Comments